-You guys, I want to say congrats to the New York Yankees,
who are moving on to the American League Championship Series.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And congrats to the Mets,
who are moving on to binge-watch season 8 of "Friends."
That's fantastic.
Yeah, you could tell the Yankees were feeling good
when they popped champagne, lit cigars,
and it was only the second inning.
That's when I knew something was up.
Let's get to some news.
Today, the White House stopped an important ambassador
from testifying.
Yep, Trump told his staff to do whatever it takes
to stop anyone from saying anything
that could endanger his presidency.
And his staff was like, "Okay," and duct taped his mouth shut.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Can't stop my Twitter hands."
"Get his hands, too! Get his thumbs!
Tape his thumbs. He has Twitter thumbs."
"Tweet!" That's right.
The White House blocked our E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland
from testifying about the Ukraine scandal.
Because nothing says we've got nothing to hide like saying,
"We got to hide Gordon."
Can we see what Gordon Sondland looks like?
Yeah.
Looks like an accountant for the Addams family.
[ Laughter ]
He looks like a guy who rents a Ferrari for his high school reunion.
You know that guy?
He looks like a lawyer who claims he only collects money if
You know?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"And I only take money if you get paid."
Weak figure.
Apparently, the Ambassador
has a bunch of text messages about Ukraine,
but the State Department won't give them to Congress.
When she heard that, Hillary Clinton was like,
"Russia, if you're listen, I hope you're able to find
the texts on the Ambassador's phone."
Oh, and get this -- I heard that when the whistle-blower
testifies before Congress,
they might disguise his appearance and his voice,
which means there's a good chance the President
is about to be brought down by guy dressed as a Minion.
[ Laughter ]
"Banana!"
And I read that, since the impeachment inquiry began,
White House officials have been dodging interviews
about the Ukraine scandal.
Apparently, they even got their own excuse generator
to come up with reasons why they can't talk.
I'll show you how it works.
For example, when they asked Attorney General William Barr
for an interview, he said...
[ Electronic beeping ]
..."I would, but I'm working as a John Goodman impersonator."
-Oh.
Well...
[ Applause ]
-Next, when they asked Senator Rand Paul, he said...
[ Electronic beeping ]
..."I can't move the appointment for my perm."
-Makes sense.
-You got to keep it tight. -Yeah.
-Got to keep it tight! Tight! Tight! -Tight!
-Next, when they asked Housing Secretary Ben Carson,
he said...
[ Electronic beeping ]
..."I'm busy practicing for 'Dancing with the Stars.'"
-Oh, well, yeah. -That's going to be good.
-Valid excuse.
-And, finally, when they asked Rudy Giuliani --
Look at that picture. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God!
-When they asked Rudy Giuliani for an interview, he said...
[ Electronic beeping ]
..."Sorry, I'm having a colonoscopy as we speak."
Wow!
-"As we speak."
-Wow.
-Something's up.
-Now, today, Trump had lunch with Vice President Mike Pence.
You can tell Trump's paranoid about leaks
because, before the meeting, he frisked Pence
to see if he was wearing a wire.
He's like "Wow, you're like a Ken doll everywhere."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"Mother? Mother, get in here."
Did you guys see this?
China is refusing to broadcast NBA games
after the Houston Rockets' GM spoke out
in support of Hong Kong's protesters.
It's a bad situation 'cause the NBA needs China
to grow their fan base and to make their shoes.
-Yeah.
[ Audience groans ]
-It's true, it's true.
It's true. -Yeah.
-Yeah. -Let's face facts.
-Hey, listen to this.
To save taxpayer money, the king of Sweden
just took away royal status from five of his grandkids.
For us, it's a news story.
For Eric and Don Jr., it's a preview.
Get this -- a British man became the first person
to fly around the world in a gyrocopter.
Yep. When asked to comment on his flight in a gyrocopter,
he said, "Actually, it's pronounced yeero-copter.
[ Laughter ]
Probably...
-Didn't know that.
-Probably didn't know that. A little over your head.
So, no big deal.
-Needs to spin.
-It's just, my family they've always flown in yeero-copters.
That's what you call it.
So...no big deal.
-Yeah.
-And finally, a French town made a world record
setting fruit salad that weighed almost 23,000 pounds.
When they heard about wasting 23,000 pounds of fruit,
Edible Arrangements was like, "Stay in your lane, girl."
We have a great show.