- Hello, lovely people.
- Hello. - Hi.
This video was sponsored by Skillshare.
It's been a month.
Stuff's happened. - Been a month since what?
- No, I mean like,
stuff's happened- - Oh, right.
- Like when you say, "God, you know."
I really badly injured my back and paralyzed my legs.
- It has been a month since Jessica
was actually able to leave the house, walk.
- Function properly.
- It's been a lot for me.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, I mean, it's hard for you too,
but it was a lot for me. - No, no, no.
You've been an absolute star, stellar, MVP.
I don't know what that means.
I don't know.
Americans say it, you think?
- MVP?
- Yeah.
She's been excellent.
She's been looking after me, and Rupert.
- And the dogs.
And the house.
Single-handedly.
- Jessica has repeatedly said,
"Let's just ship the dogs off, it's fine.
Give them to our friends for the night."
I'm like, "We do not get rid of part of the family."
(laughs)
- Sometimes I think it is okay,
to have your dogs be looked after overnight for one night.
- No.
- By friends.
- Look, you were not even the ones dealing
with toilet trouble,
incessant need to eat,
incessant need to scratch.
Walter traipsed in mud through our house,
which had just been cleaned.
I mean, I don't know how many times I've mopped this floor.
I thought that, people are like,
"You watch out with a baby, you get mess everywhere."
I was like- - The baby's fine.
I don't know what people are talking about.
Trouble.
Those dogs though. Whoa.
- Anyway, this video's
not about dogs, or babies- - Not what this video's about
at all (laughs).
- Thought we'd just do a video for us to rant about
our very privileged, lovely little family that we have,
that Jessica wants to ship off, half of it.
(laughs) - Oh, my God.
Celebration, is the first "Ask Your Lesbian Mums"
where we're actually mums.
- Yay!
Now we're qualified.
- We are.
(Claudia laughs)
- We filmed an "Ask Your Lesbian Mums"
where you were pregnant.
We filmed an "Ask Your Lesbian Mums"
where you were secretly pregnant,
with Jamie and Shaaba (laughs).
Jesus. (Rupert coos)
- There, there, baba.
Oh, dear babby.
Rupert went down a bit far.
(laughs)
Rupert's just playing over there.
- You're not even four months old yet.
Could you just dial back on the adventure?
(laughs)
(Rupert coos) Lord!
So, what we're going to do is quick fire
because it's almost bedtime.
- Yeah. It's really hard to find the time-
- So, normally we ramble
in these videos- - To film.
- But we're gonna try not to do that-
- We're gonna try and keep it brief.
- We're gonna give you some lovely, wholesome mum advice
for those of you who need some mumming.
"If you've been in public as a family,
how have strangers treated you now with a baby?"
- People said how amazing she looks
for having a baby so young.
- How thin I am,
for having just given birth.
And I'm like, um-
- I don't chirp in saying,
"She didn't have to birth that,
and carry that child for nine months,
birth it, and stay up all night feeding it from her breast."
I just say, "Yeah, she does look really good."
But inside, I'm thinking, like (snorts).
I think that's fantastic- - And I'm also like,
"I'm not gonna say anything because"-
- Yeah, she doesn't even say anything.
She doesn't say, "Well, actually, no,
it's my wife"- - Oh, I'm sorry,
do you want me to say something
so they stare at your stomach?
Nothing is wrong with your stomach,
but I don't think people should judge other people's bodies.
And I'm not gonna invite someone to judge your body.
I don't want them
judging mine- - That's fine, I don't mind.
And actually, it's still true. You do look really good.
You still have a young baby.
- Your body, by the way, is very sexy,
in every size- - This was someone telling us
when he was six weeks old.
He's now 17 weeks old.
- He is, indeed.
We only figured out he's 18 weeks old.
- Oh my gosh, he's growing up so fast.
- Question.
"Lesbian mothers, do I really need to come out?"
I don't think it should be a big deal."
- If you think it's not really a big deal,
and should you actually have to come out,
then that probably means that you're hopefully
in quite a good place,
in terms of your sexuality, and the people around you,
'cause if you think it's not a big deal,
then you obviously know how it's gonna be received
as probably a positive one.
But your whole life,
you do actually have to come out all the time.
- Yeah. I personally didn't.
I don't have a "coming out story."
I didn't have to sit everyone down,
and have like a "Mother,
Father,
Friends,
I'm a lesbian," type of moment.
However, do I have to come out semi-daily?
Yes. Yes, I do.
It's constant.
Especially now I have a baby.
When someone goes, "Oh, does he look like your husband?"
- Oh yeah, that's the reaction that you've had as well.
- My wife, he looks like my wife.
- Yeah, if I'm not with her.
- I mean, also not helped by the fact my child does look
a little Asian, and I don't.
(Rupert coos)
So, then people are like,
"Oh, he must look like your husband"-
- He just looks like a mini me, basically.
- And I'm like, "Ah, no. No."
- And they just deliver this really heavy thing,
and you're like, "Oh, actually,
can you bring it in and carry it upstairs for us?"
And they're like, "Oh, can't your husband do that?"
And it's like, "No. I have a disabled wife."
Also, that's really presumptuous that my husband is strong.
And I have a husband,
and one who's stronger than me.
- What if you had a disabled husband?
No, you don't have to come out at all.
It's entirely your own journey to have.
One question that even your dear old lesbian mums
are still trying to answer,
everything, basically, everything,
we're experts in nothing,
but very warmly and lovingly supportive,
is how to balance creative pursuits,
work life, and home life,
especially when your home life is a four-month-old baby.
Good luck editing while a tiny, adorable human
wants to play the brrrr game.
It's just too cute to resist,
which is thankfully where the sponsor of today's video,
Skillshare, comes in.
Skillshare is an online learning community
with thousands of inspiring classes
for creative and curious people.
Explore new skills,
develop existing interests,
and get lost in creativity.
Today, I wanted to talk to you about the class,
"Productivity for Artists, Organizing Yourself for Success,"
by professional illustrator, Brooke Glaser.
This is actually a class that Claudia and I took together,
although at separate times, because, you know, organization.
It was nice to be able to talk to her about it, though,
and to work together on putting tips like
the Eisenhower Matrix into use.
Claud's been spending time recently connecting
with her photography again,
and doing a lot more creative things
that are her style rather than my frilly dress style
that you'll find on my Instagram.
I'm really proud of her,
and the chapter, "Tips for Time Management"
was particularly helpful to her
as someone who is on maternity leave,
and breastfeeding a baby,
looking after Rupert,
caring for me,
and within her creative work.
You can see Claudia's photos on her Instagram @cloudfoz,
where she's just posted this photo.
Go and leave a supportive comment.
She won't even know that I've sent you,
because she never watches my videos.
If you're interested in exploring your own creativity
with the help of Skillshare,
then you can sign up today
by clicking the top link in my description,
and, freebie alert,
the first 1,000 of my subscribers
to click the link in the description
will get a one-month free trial of Skillshare,
so, you can start exploring your creativity today.
And after that, it's only around $10 a month.
"How do you know when you're actually ready to have a baby?"
- Yeah. I was gonna crack some joke about like,
your water's breaking and stuff, but-
(Jessica laughs)
- What?
Yeah. Okay.
- But, from our opinion, from our point of view,
we also do say that you're never really ready.
- Oh God is that true.
- We both felt like we needed to be settled
in our like home life,
like in a home that we felt comfortable having a baby
brought back to.
We needed, to feel safe financially,
those sort of things.
We were quite practical about it.
- Yeah.
The advice my cousin gave was
have a baby when everywhere you go right now,
and everything you do, wouldn't change.
You could just bring a baby to wherever you go.
If you're currently spending your days-
- If you're still going out like to bars,
having lunch at nice restaurants,
then going traveling to like the Caribbean
for romantic getaways and city breaks,
and you're really enjoying that,
then you're not ready to have a baby yet.
- If you meet all your friends at clubs,
you're not ready to have a baby.
If you meet all your friends at brunch,
yeah, you can have a baby.
- Well, yeah, 'cause that's a more simplified version of it.
- You'll be all right, hun. It's okay.
- "What should I say to people
who think I'm too ill to have a baby with my girlfriend?
She's carrying."
- I think this is an answer question for you, darling.
(Jessica laughs)
- Yeah. Why was I staring at you?
Much like in romantic relationships,
from the outside,
people who are only looking in,
can't see what it is that what the interplay is.
So, I think that in a romantic relationship,
it's very difficult for people to know
what the give and take is.
It's very obvious to see that Claudia provides me
with a lot physically.
She helps me with a lot, in a lot of ways,
but then I also give you a lot back,
in a lot of ways
that people don't see. - Well, yeah,
like the last month.
Yes, I've been practically like literally, I mean,
running around the house, laundry, breakfast, nappy, milk,
toilet help assistant,
bed changing,
some more laundry,
dog walk,
picking up poo, cleaning a nappy-
- Making food.
- Making lunch again.
It was literally like,
it was like,
and there's all these like,
so, at a surface level, that is very observable,
I'm doing all these things, and it very much looks like,
"Oh my God, Claudia does so much for Jessica,"
but I wouldn't be doing all those things so willingly,
if I wasn't getting
all the nurturing, emotional, love and support back.
- Like if I'm your emotional rock.
- Yeah, in the same way that you do it for the baby,
because they like look at you
with this really cute little smile and a babble,
and she was doing the same, so.
(Jessica laughs)
- I was giving you a smile and a babble.
Yeah.
So, then people can't see,
because they don't necessarily understand
the parent-child dynamic, they think,
"Oh, if you can't do this easily observable thing,
that I think all parents should be able to do,
I don't understand what it is that you're giving,"
but there's a lot of other things
that come with being a parent.
We have this thing where we say
that she understands his physical needs really, really well.
So, Claudia knows immediately
as soon as he needs a nappy change,
or she'll be like, "Oh, he's hungry."
And I understand his social cues.
So, I'll be like,
"Ah, he needs me to sweep my arm up and down like this,"
and Claudia's like, "How do you know that?
That's really random, Jessica."
Because that's just my specialist-
- She's very good at knowing like-
- Talent with him-
- If I'm like, "Oh, I just feel really awful,"
she's like, "I think you have a headache."
And then she just starts rubbing
the exact bit that's hurting.
And I'm like, "How did you know that?"
Like you got weird, like Reiki powers or something.
(Jessica laughs) - Yeah.
So, we all have our own specialist skills and talents
that we give to our relationships.
- Sorry, I'm just, no, no, it's good.
- Sorry. - I was just laughing
'cause I'm like,
this poor person
that is gonna have to like somehow summarize
that very long answer into something
that they're just gonna tell a complete stranger, why.
(Jessica and Claudia laugh)
About their feelings on becoming a mother.
- "Excuse me. That's an incredibly rude comment.
How dare you?
Do you understand what ableism is?
Because you are a prime example."
- There you go. That's your answer. Next.
(Claudia laughs)
- There you go.
"How can I let the LGBTQ+ kids I'm tutoring
in a Christian society know that I'm an ally
in a subtle way?"
A subtle rainbow pin.
- That's not that subtle, darling, putting a rainbow pin on.
- No, but not like the obvious flag kind.
- Maybe not on your body,
maybe like your pencil case,
or something that you get out in the class.
- That's true- - So it's not like,
a badge is very much like an identity thing, isn't it?
But if it's something you just own,
like, a pen.
'Cause do you wanna just do it?
'Cause they just said subtle, so I'd just do it like that.
- Using the word "person," in place of man, or woman,
that's always nice.
- Yeah. Probably just the language you use, I would say.
And how you refer to people.
- I would say to Google inclusive language,
and look at how you can work
at bringing that more into your speech.
It's also really good because the more you use it,
the more you influence people around you
to also work it into their conversations.
I mean, and also like, you really annoy bigots.
That's fun.
"I've ID'd as non-binary for a few years,
but lately I'm wondering if I'm just a trans lady,
but I'm really masculine, so, I don't know."
Good question.
- I mean, I don't know how we can help on that one.
- I think that the important mum advice here
is that- - Would be that
you don't know.
So, then that's fine. - You don't have to know.
- Yeah, exactly.
- It's okay to not always be 100%
in your identity. - That's true.
That question's very loaded with labels,
as like, you don't need to actually give yourself
any of those terms,
if you don't feel you're aligned to any one of them.
I know that's difficult, it's this day and age,
'cause everyone's like, "What are your pronouns?
What's your sexual identity?
What's your sexuality?"
It's very much like that seems to be quite a, I dunno,
it's not very privatized anymore, is it?
People really wanna know all this stuff about people,
other people.
And they feel like you should wear it with pride,
which is great, and should be celebrated,
but also, it should also be respected
that not everyone wants to use labels.
- It is quite revealing if you're going through a process
of discovery about yourself,
and you're kind of like, "Well, I don't actually wanna..."
- Yeah, and then why should you have to disclose
you're going through a process?
- Talk about that right now. "Oh, don't wanna say."
But, in the same time,
it's also really nice, and inclusive,
that we do talk about it.
- I would say, maybe if you are being pressured
to like answer someone on what is your thing,
you could just stick with maybe what you have been,
if you still feel like that reflects who you are
in some ways,
and maybe just don't talk about the other bits
unless you feel comfortable about it.
And then, you know, if it changes in any way,
then you then start talking about it more.
- But, yeah, it's perfectly fine
to be moving throughout your life,
between different things,
to not be fixed at any one point,
to not ever be fixed, even,
to just constantly be in a state of flux,
if that's who you are.
And also to say that you don't have to be one thing, to be-
- There might be not, I think what you're trying to say
is there might be a term that doesn't exist
to describe your identity currently,
'cause if you think about it- - True.
- There's all these new terms, relatively new terms,
that we are now using.
That just shows that there's probably loads more.
It's just we haven't named them yet.
- My God, there must be so many people who, in the past,
would have aligned with terms they just didn't have,
and we now do have.
And also, it's important to say
that just because you feel that you're quite masculine,
and that's holding you back
from maybe allowing you to identify as female,
don't feel that there's just any one way
that you have to be a woman, because there isn't.
You know, gender is a broad spectrum,
and you can be any way you want to be,
and be a label that fits with you.
It's your personal thing.
Don't let anyone else tell you what you are.
"How do I still make friends at university
and not seem rude when I don't do stuff
because my disability?"
H-well.
- Yeah, I was gonna say, don't look at me.
This was you for a while.
- Yeah, it's a tough one. Definitely.
I think the important thing to realize
is that you want to make friends
that you can keep in the long term,
or at least keep for whilst you're at university.
So, I tried really hard to make friends
with a group of people who I thought were like amazing.
They were really fun.
They were really great to hang out with.
Their social lives were really based around nighttime,
and I just couldn't keep up with that.
So, whilst they were really great to hang out with
in the moments I could catch them in the daytime,
I missed out on their main socializing time,
which was nighttime.
So, they were all incredibly bonded to each other,
and I just grew further, and further, and further apart
from them the further we got into university.
So, what I wish I'd done was, at the start,
recognize that I needed to find a group of people
who socialized in the daylight hours.
- Join some societies that are like daytime stuff.
- Yeah.
Who you can at least keep up with a little bit.
Try and suggest activities that you know that you can do.
Try and be the one who sets up your socializing,
because that means that you get to plan where you go,
and what you do.
So, I suggested a lot of movie dates
because that involved sitting down.
So, there we are, family.
Thank you so much for joining us
for another episode of "Ask Your Lesbian Mothers,"
and thank you to Skillshare for sponsoring today's video.
Remember, the first 1,000 subscribers
to click the link in the description
will get a one-month free trial of Skillshare,
so you can start exploring your creativity.
I hope you have enjoyed it.
- Sorry if we didn't answer your question.
- Yeah, but please do make sure to go and follow us
on Instagram at jessieandclaud,
where all of these questions came from,
so that you can be sure to ask questions for the next video.
I hope you've also enjoyed Rupert in the background,
if you could hear him.
- I think they can hear him (laughs).
He's quite audible. - Oh, can they?
Ah, can you hear him?
Oh, I'm glad.
- And on that note,
we shall leave you- - On that note.
Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
(bright music)