[Music] The other day in my live Q&A for my members, I was asked, "How can I get
re-regulated after getting dysregulated?" And what I assume the person means is that they want to get
back into the safe and social state of their nervous system, the parasympathetic response,
where you feel relaxed and calm and you can think clearly and connect with other people.
I'm also going to assume that you already know a little bit about the nervous system, that you
understand the fight/flight/freeze response and about the shutdown response. And if not,
go check out my video on the three states of the nervous system. Because if you're asking about
dysregulation you understand that we can't just think our way into changing our nervous system,
you know about using the powerful tool of the body to regulate the mind and the nervous system,
and you already know about how to use body-based skills like deep breathing and the yawn and the
body scan and mindfulness. And if you don't, you should take my free Grounding Skills course. So
right now, just take a really slow breath.
Make a big yawn.
Gently tap your face. [Music]
These are
the basic skills to regulating your nervous system. I'm also going to assume that you know
about the skills to slow things down, that you've already tried writing about it, that you've tried
going for a walk or exercising and you've tried talking with a safe and understanding person.
So I'm going to assume that the person who asked these this question has already tried
all of these things and that it's not working. Now, these skills work the majority of the time,
but not always. So let's talk about what to do when these skills aren't working. I love
doing this work. I love troubleshooting together with my clients to figure out
what are these obstacles that are getting in the way of mental health? So there are
at least three reasons why you might be having a hard time regulating your nervous
system despite your best efforts. So let's explore them and their antidotes. [Music]
Okay. So number one: Your nervous system is like a muscle. When you're chronically in dysregulation,
when you're chronically stuck in sympathetic state, your sympathetic muscle gets stronger. So
if you experienced trauma 20 years ago and you've been anxious for 20 years, it's like you've spent
20 years just exercising that anxious muscle, and the calm parasympathetic muscle has atrophied. So
it might just take a little bit more practice to strengthen your ability to regulate your nervous
system. So if this is the case, I'd recommend that you practice just a few more minutes each day. So
if you go from being in the parasympathetic state for one percent of each day to two percent of each
day, that's progress. Set - I would say just set a goal to practice these skills for 10 minutes a
day if you can handle that. Or if that's too hard, do five minutes a day, or two two minutes a day. A
few other things you can do to help, you know, exercise that parasympathetic muscle is to use
something like the Insight Timer app, and that's going to give you these random prompts to soothe
yourself, to practice, you know, to exercise that muscle. You could also use a habit tracker like
my free download or an app like Habit. When it feels disheartening to learn that trauma changes
the brain, don't forget that healing changes the brain too. Okay. The second reason why you
might be having a hard time getting regulated is you're not safe. And what I mean by that is
that some action needs to be taken. Our nervous system is super smart and super good at bypassing
the logical part of our brain to alert us to dangers. Sometimes anxiety isn't a disorder,
it's just a message that something needs to change. So I recently got an email from a woman
who had been diagnosed with a half-dozen disorders over 25 years - anxiety, depression, psychosis,
bipolar, panic disorder, borderline personality - and when she finally left her abusive husband,
most of these symptoms went away. The problem was not a mental disorder; it was a situation
that needed changing. Sometimes action needs to be taken, and your body is going to keep sending
that message until you get it. So are you stuck in the fight/flight/freeze response because you never
say no to assignments at work? Because you believe you're worthless? Because you feel like you have
to please everyone else and keep them all happy, that it's your job to regulate other people?
Are you stuck in the fight/flight/freeze response because you're staying in a toxic relationship and
you need to set boundaries? Emotions aren't just like bad things that happen to us; they're meant
to motivate us to take action. Now, sometimes emotions do lie. Right? Sometimes they make us
feel like we're in danger when we're actually safe. But - and and in those situations we need
to regulate our bodies, use these self-regulation skills. But sometimes these emotions are truthful
and we need to take action. Okay. Reason number three why you might not be able to regulate your
nervous system is you're forcing it. You're trying to practice willingness in a secret
attempt to make your feelings go away. You're practicing deep breathing in an attempt to force
yourself and your body to calm down. Now, I talk about this cycle in my three videos that I made
about panic attacks. The main idea is that when you have a physiological sensation and you say,
"It's not okay for me to feel this regulated. I'm not okay. It's not acceptable if I feel stressed.
It's not okay for me to have a fast heart rate. This is dangerous if I'm breathing fast." Right?
"I have to make my breathing slow down." All of these thoughts send the message to your brain
that you're in danger, that these sensations are dangerous. And if if you send that message to your
brain that "Oh, I can't handle feeling this way," that's going to accentuate the cycle of being
dysregulated. So you feel stressed, and then you beat yourself up for feeling stressed, and
that makes you more stressed. Now, the antidote to this is to allow yourself to feel; to let yourself
feel uncomfortable, uncertain, vulnerable; to let yourself stand where you're standing; to be where
you're at. It doesn't mean that you're going to feel this way forever, but you have to start with
where you're at. So true willingness to feel your emotions means that your default setting is to use
acceptance as a launching point for change, not the other way around, not saying, "After I change,
then I can allow myself to feel." And people have this tendency when things are really painful to
try to speed up, to make it pass faster. But with emotions, trying to hurry actually prevents
you from doing the one thing that does work, which is slowing down and sitting with them.
So just to summarize: If the problem is that you just need to build up your parasympathetic muscle,
set a goal to practice body-based nervous system regulation a few extra minutes a day. If there's
actually a problem that needs to be resolved, take some action. And if you're forcing it, it's time
to give yourself just a ton of compassion around being dysregulated. Slow down and create some
space for you to feel what you feel without trying to force it to go away. With practice and the
right approach, you really can unlock your nervous system, strengthen your parasympathetic response,
and foster a greater sense of safety and calm. I hope this video helps you get better at feeling.
Thank you for watching, and take care. Oh, and as a side note, if you'd like to buy this shirt,
my friend Nikki has made a um shirt company,
and 50% of the proceeds go to helping teens get therapy services and outdoor experiences that
they wouldn't otherwise be able to access. So check it out in the merch shelf below. [Music]