- Trauma bonding can sometimes feel like love
because it may be the only connection we've experienced.
And I think we can all agree that love is often talked about
in a way that's not real or relatable,
which is why we can find ourselves
in relationships with people and not realize
that what we are feeling isn't love,
it's actually trauma bonding.
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My name is Katie Morton,
and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist.
I talk about anxiety, ADHD, eating disorders,
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Okay, let's jump into today's topic.
Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment
that we can form with our abuser.
This usually happens in toxic or abusive relationships,
but it can also happen in families, at church, with friends.
It most commonly occurs when the relationship we are in
follows what's known as a cycle of abuse,
meaning that when someone harms us physically,
sexually or emotionally, then, so that's the abuse state,
then we move into the next stage,
which is called the honeymoon phase.
And that's kind of like love bombing.
They tell us they love us, they're so sorry.
They never meant to hurt us. It won't happen again.
They would die without us, and go on and on and on.
And this love bombing and manipulation
can confuse the person who was abused,
and it can make us think
that they really didn't mean to hurt us and they do love us.
Now over time, this cycle of getting hurt
and then being told that they love and care for us
can lead to us becoming attached to our abuser,
even feeling bad for them
and feeling deep affection for them,
which is why it can be so hard for us to leave.
We can also trauma bond as a way
to prevent any further abuse from happening to us.
Just like the fawn response, which if you're not familiar,
is another form of fight, flight, and freeze.
But fawning is when we people please
so that they won't hurt us again.
And it's really our attempt at taking control
back from our abuser in order to protect ourselves.
Since trauma bonding can often be confused with love,
let's jump into the five signs that what we're experiencing
is in fact trauma bonding and not love.
Number one, we are enmeshed,
meaning that there aren't any healthy boundaries
in our relationship, how they feel is how we feel.
And we can find ourselves putting their needs above our own
and needing them to make decisions for us
or at least weighing in on them.
We can even struggle to do things on our own,
see our own friends, and focus on our own personal growth.
Number two is if they have ever abused us
physically, sexually, emotionally,
even if they said it wouldn't happen again
or gave excuses for why they did it.
You know, I was really tired, I had a bad day.
Healthy relationships have mutual respect
and are physically and emotionally safe.
If you don't have those things in your relationship,
you may wanna consider ending that relationship.
Number three, we are codependent.
Now, codependency happens a lot in relationships
where addiction is present because one person is the addict
and the other person is addicted to caring for them.
In this case, we can feel that our only purpose
or the only way that we are deserving of love
is if we care for the other person
even when it puts us in danger.
We can feel like our only value
is in being the caretaker or the fixer.
And this can allow the person to keep doing what they do.
When it comes to trauma bonds specifically,
we can want the relationship to continue at any cost
because our identity can be wrapped up in them.
Or we can think so little of ourselves
that we believe we aren't anything without them.
And so we do what we need to do to keep them happy.
Number four,
they don't like us seeing our friends or family.
If someone ever tries to tell you
that your friends or family are bad for you,
they don't deserve you, or they act upset
when you make time to see them, get out of there.
Sure, I know we can have one friend
or a family member that isn't the best
or maybe they've said hurtful things.
We should never feel
like we can't have our own life and see people on our own.
A huge component of narcissistic abuse
is that they try to isolate us from everyone else
so that they have complete control
and we don't have a way out.
You should feel free to have your own life
and you just enjoy having them in it.
And finally, number five is gaslighting.
Does your partner constantly tell you
that you remembered something wrong or that you're crazy?
That's not how it happened, or did they deny
or try to minimize the pain that they've caused you,
or maybe they even tried to tell you that it was your fault.
This is a form of manipulation
and can cause us to attach even more tightly to our abuser
because we don't think we can trust our own mind or memory.
We can all forget things from time to time, sure.
But if they are consistently putting us down,
telling us that we're making things up,
it's possible you're being gaslit.
I know it can be hard to know what love looks like,
especially if we've been in an abusive relationship
or have past trauma, but remember,
loving relationships allow us to be ourselves,
have our own life,
and enjoy the addition of another person in it.
It is supportive, respectful,
and encourages us to do more of what we love.
Healthy relationships have clear boundaries,
open communication, and trust.
If we only get affection and kind words
after we've been hurt,
you may wanna rethink your relationship
because it could be trauma bonding, not love.
If any of this sounds like your relationship,
please find a trauma therapist in your area or online.
The sooner we start talking to someone about this,
the sooner we will feel able to leave
and heal from the abuse.
Know that you are all deserving of real love and support,
and don't settle for less.