Alright, so I don't know if you guys ever played around with a chemistry set, when you were a kid
I know it's not the 1930's, chemistry sets aren't exactly all the rage these days
But growing up, my cousin David, he had a chemistry set
And for the record, he did have normal toys too
He didn't just have a bunch of toys from the great depression
"Hey, you guys wanna play with my TinkerToys?"
"I got these stick and a hoop that we can have fun with!"
So we're in his room, and we crack open this chemistry set
And we're over there with our beakers and our test tubes
Looking like a Nickelodeon version of Breaking Bad
There's all these vials and chemicals included
And we don't know anything about chemistry
And we sure as hell not gonna read the instructions, like some kind of loser
"Look, I've watched a couple episodes of Beakman's World, alright?"
"I practically have my PhD in chemistry, for Christ's Sake"
We can't even pronounce the names of half the chemicals we were using
"Potassium.."
"Potassium.. PAAAA.."
"Oh, boy.. uh.. Pamaa.."
"Oh, boy.. uh.. Pamaa.. Pome.. Pomegranate!"
"Potassium pomegranate! Yeah, that's it! Sounds pretty tasty!"
*Gulp-gulp-gulp*
[Thud]
So we decided to do what any kids would do
And we mixed all the chemicals together in one beaker
I'm not sure what we were trying to accomplish
"We're about to find a cure for cancer with this $12 chemistry set!"
No, we sure as hell didn't make that
But what we did make, was the color blue
Euuwww, fancy! We're breaking some new ground here!
Somebody publish us in a scientific journal!
"Ladies and gentlemen! I've gathered you all here today to announce.."
".. that at our state-of-the-art laboratory, also known as David's bedroom"
"We have figured out how to create the color blue!"
*Crowd gasping*
"Oh my God!"
"They're geniuses! Somebody get them a medal!"
So there we are, standing there with our blue concoction
We're not really sure what to do with it
"Maybe if we drink it, we can turn into X-men"
"Yeah, or maybe we'll get diarrhea for a week"
"Not really somethin' I wanna gamble on!"
So we get bored with it and we take our stupid blue potion
And just dump it out in the middle of David's driveway
Well, imagine to our surprise
That this puddle of blue starts to stain the driveway
So David starts flipping out Because his dad's gonna be home from work soon
He's gonna get home
He's gonna get home See this big-ass blue stain on the driveway
And he's gonna lose his goddamn mind!
"Wait, Dad, I can explain!"
*cocks the gun and shoots*
Because David's dad loves his driveway!
His favourite room in the whole house was the garage
And the driveway is like the front yard of the garage
He wants to keep it looking nice
There was one time we were shooting bottle rockets down the driveway like a couple assholes
And David's dad came out and yelled at us
But he didn't yell at us for shooting bottle rockets at people's houses, no
He yelled at us, because we were doing it in his precious driveway!
"Ah, what the hell!"
"Don't be doing that in the driveway!"
"Go blows your hands up in the street or somethin'!"
So at this point David goes and gets the garden hose
And he starts spraying the blue puddle of water
But this doesn't help, it just spreads it around
Now the whole goddamn driveway's blue!
"Holy hell, David, you are gonna die!"
"Your driveway's smurf blue for Chist's sake!"
It's a pretty unique color for a driveway
Make a pretty great landmark, if you're giving somebody directions to your house
"So, when you turn down that street.."
".. just keep going until you see.. the stupid-ass cotton candy blue driveway!"
"You really can't miss it!"
So in sheer panic David runs in his house, and grabs the bottle of dish soap off the counter
Now both of us are on our fours in the driveway
With a bottle of Palmolive
Scrubbing away like Little Orphan Annie
But this isn't working either
And you know why? Because dish soap works on dishes!
Not on blue driveways!
It even says on the bottle, for Christ's Sake!
Well, what the hell are we supposed to do now?
Maybe we can camouflage it somehow
You know, just like.. park a bunch of bikes and scooters out there
Maybe set the bushes on fire, that would draw his attention, right?
Nope, too late. David's dad pulls up in front of the house
We just stand there in the front yard, accepting our fate
David's over there, he's got a blindfold on, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth
His dad walks up, he takes one look at us
And then he looks over to his stupid aquamarine driveway
Then he looks back at us
And he's like:
"David and the boyzzz.. What are you guys doing out here?"
"Uuhh.. nothing"
"You guys want some hotdogs?"
"Uh, yeah, hotdogs.. sounds good"
"Alright, I'm gonna make some hotdogs"
And then he just walked away!
Never said anything about the driveway!
"What the hell was that all about?"
"He's seen the driveway, right? There no way he could miss it!"
"You can see this damn thing from outer space, what the hell happened?"
Maybe David's dad just didn't feel like dealing with our bullshit that day
Or maybe he just wanted some hotdogs!
I don't know.
But what I do know
Is David's driveway did turn back to normal after a couple of days
It didn't turn into some stupid national landmark, like we thought it was gonna
"It's amazing! Take my picture with it!"
*Camera shutter clicking*
So David probably knocked ten years off his lifespan that day
From sheer anxiety, thinking he was about to get murdered by his own dad
But instead we got to eat hotdogs
"Get your red hots!"
Talk about a happy ending
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