-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. [ Cheers and applause ]
We've got a full crowd, a full house.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, it was just reported
that the other day a plane carrying former president Trump
suffered an engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico
and had to make an emergency landing in New Orleans.
Yeah, when Trump said,
"Land over there," the pilot was like,
"We can't. There's half a built wall in the way."
[ Laughter ]
Oops.
And following the plane scare,
Trump sent out a fundraising e-mail
to his supporters asking for money
so he can buy a new "Trump Force One" airplane.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Trump wants a new plane
because the only thing scarier than a crash
is flying commercial.
But in all seriousness, James, can you play me some music?
Some piano?
[ Dramatic piano music plays ]
Look, guys, Donald Trump's got to get to places,
and he needs your help.
If you can find it in your heart to donate --
just $200,000, $300,000 --
it'll go a long way.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wants everyone to buy him a new plane.
Buy him a new plane.
-Yeah, he's got to get a new plane.
-Meanwhile, President Biden
and several members of his cabinet
are heading to Philadelphia to join house Democrats
on their annual retreat.
It was supposed to be in Vermont,
but they ran out of gas.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's time for Democrats
to get together for some bonding and fun.
And Nancy Pelosi is so excited,
she hasn't stopped rubbing her knuckles all day.
[ Applause ]
-Many of you have been there. -Yeah, yeah. Wow. There you go.
-Have been in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan over 40 times.
[ Laughter ]
-But this is cool. The musical guest for the retreat
is D.J. Jazzy Jeff.
Yeah, he's way better than last year's entertainment --
chuck Schumer rapping. This is real.
Okay. Very good. Thank you.
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Did you guys hear about this?
This is real, and this is frightening.
Joro spiders.
Apparently, there's some spider invasion
coming to the East Coast in the spring.
Oh, yeah.
And scientists say they're the size of a child's hand
and they can parachute from the sky.
[ Laughter ]
I love how scientists are like,
"How should we describe the size?"
And they're like -- They settled on "a child's hand."
-Wait, wait, wait. That's crazy!
I can't believe these things can parachute.
Look, I'm just gonna lock myself
in my car until this all blows over.
-Oh, what kind of car do you have?
-I actually just bought a BMW. I'm pretty excited.
-You didn't hear about the recall?
-Recall? -Yeah.
It's not good. Roll the clip.
-A major recall of BMW.
More than 900,000 cars and SUVs have a problem.
The engines can catch fire.
-Catch fire?! Man, I just bought mine!
-I'm sorry about that, Tariq. -It's fine.
I shouldn't be driving on the road anyway.
There's supposed to be a snowstorm this weekend.
Which is why I have my trusty snowmobile.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh.
-Oh, what? -Roll the clip.
-An important snowmobile safety recall.
The machines affected and the problem
that could leave your sled in flames.
-[ Applause ] -Come on!
Why is everything catching on fire?!
-Yeah, tough break. I'm so sorry, Tariq.
-It's fine! I should walk more anyway.
Maybe I'll try to get some steps in
on my new Fitbit Ionic smartwatch.
-Customers should immediately stop using
the Fitbit Ionic smartwatch.
There's been several reports of the battery burning customers.
-What -- This is going to ruin my workouts, man!
At least I can still get some protein
by eating beef-jerky products.
-Over 1,600 pounds of beef-jerky products
have been recalled.
-What next? You gonna tell me
I can't eat my Great Value brand tortilla chips?
-A Walmart recall is in effect
for the Great Value brand tortilla chips.
-I'm done. That's it. That's it.
-Tariq Trotter, everybody. We can talk about this.
Tariq Trotter. We can figure it out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So sorry. Unfortunate.
-Wow. That's a lot of bad luck. -Unfortunate, yeah.
Got some business news.
I heard that Kohl's no longer wants to be a department store
and is turning itself into a lifestyle brand.
Meanwhile, T.J.Maxx is sticking with their business plan --
half clothing store, half fight club.
[ Laughter ]
"Give me that!"
"It's not even my size. Who cares?!"
[ Laughter ] And this is fun.
Disney just gave a first look at Tom Hanks as "Geppetto"
in the live action remake of "Pinocchio."
Here he is.
Yeah. You know Wilson the volleyball saw that puppet
and was like, "Who the hell is he?"
[ Laughter ]
Get this. I read an article that said before Jeff Bezos
took his big spaceflight last year,
he was so upset about how his jumpsuit fit around his crotch
that he flew his tailor in to fix it.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, you know...
There's rich and there's personal crotch tailor rich.
-Right.
Wow.
-Wow!
[ Applause ]
That's nuts. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking -- Finally, speaking of crotches --
Uh.
I don't think I've ever said that.
-Wow. Really? -I've never said that.
Speaking of crotches, this is a crazy story.
The crotch on a statue of soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo
is wearing away because tourists won't stop rubbing it.
-[ Laughter ] -This is real.
Take a look at this thing.
And there's -- Yeah. So it's -- There it is.
Not good. Not good.
A few people have spoken out about the whole thing,
including the statue itself.
Check this out. It said...
Then an old rejected statue of Ronaldo spoke up and said...
Then the newer statue said...
Then the rejected Ronaldo statue was like...
Then this plaque of Elvis Presley spoke up and said...
Then the statue of Lucille Ball said...
And finally this wax statue... of Robert Pattinson said...
There you go. We have a great show.