HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK! FOLKS, AS MUCH AS I LOVE
TECHNOLOGY, I LIKE JOKES ABOUT TECHNOLOGY EVEN MORE.
THIS IS "CYBORGASM."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIRST UP, AFTER JUMPING ON THE CRYPTO TRAIN LAST YEAR,
CRYPTO TRAIN LAST YEAR, pCNN SUDDENLY SHUTTERED ITS N.F.T.
MARKETPLACE." THAT'S TOO BAD.
I REALLY THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO MAKE A FORTUNE OFF THEIR
BORED BLITZERS.
CRAFTED LIVING SKIN FOR ROBOTS, FURTHER BLURRING THE LINE
BETWEEN HUMAN AND MACINE." OH, THANKS.
ALSO, QUICK QUESTION: WHY DO WE WANT THE LINE TO BE
BLURRY?
AND THOUGHT, "I WISH IT WAS EASIER TO CONFUSE THAT WITH MY
COUSIN RICK."
THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE THE FLESH AS REAL AS POSSIBLE, AND IT
ALREADY REPLICATES THE "BIOLOGICAL FUNCTIONS OF SKIN,
SUCH AS ITS ABILITY TO SELF-REPAIR AND REPEL WATER."
SURE, BUT CAN IT BE SOMEHOW BOTH BE TOO DRY AND TOO OILY, AND GET
SPOTS ON IT BECAUSE IT'S 50, AND THEN STAYS UP WONDERING ABOUT A
WEIRD MOLE THAT IT CAN'T SEE, SO IT HAS TO WAIT UNTIL ITS WIFE
WAKES UP TO ASK HER TO LOOK AT IT?
THEN IT'S HUMAN SKIN.
MAKE YOU FLY LIKE IRON MAN-- IF YOU'RE RICH," BECAUSE THESE
THINGS COST AROUND $400,000. WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY FOR A
GLORIFIED TOY. I MEAN, WHO'S GOING TO SPEND
THAT KIND OF-- OH, MY LORD, GIVE ME ONE!
ZOOM! ZOOM HITHER AND THITHER, SKY
MAN! CONQUER THE HEAVENS, YOU
CARGO-PANTS'D APOLLO! FOR NOW, THE COMPANY SAYS THIS
THING IS MAINLY FOR MILITARY CLIENTS, AND "THE SUIT IS
UNLIKELY TO MAKE IT INTO THE PUBLIC DOMAIN ANYTIME SOON,"
ADDING, "IT WOULD BE LIKE TAKING A NASCAR DOWN TO WALMART.
YOU COULD, BUT NO ONE WOULD."
( APPLAUSE )
"YOU GUYS WANT TO GO FOR A "DOES DALE DRIVE NASCAR TO
WALMART?" NEXT UP, RESEARCHERS ARE ASKING,
"WHO WOULD USE A SEX ROBOT?" AND TRYING TO "PREDICT PEOPLE'S
WILLINGNESS TO ENGAGE WITH NEW EROTIC TECHNOLOGIES," BY USING
"PERSONALITY ASSESSMENTS." OH, THERE'S A WHOLE MYERS-BRIGGS
PERSONALITY CATEGORY FOR THIS. "YOU'RE AN E.N.T.J.?
I'M A D.T.F. C-3P0."
SO, SO, AFTER ALL--
WHAT PERSONALITY TYPE WAS DETERMINED TO BE MOST
ROBO-CURIOUS? BRACE YOURSELVES, BECAUSE
APPARENTLY, "MEN ARE MORE PRONE TO USING SEX ROBOTS."
( LAUGHTER )
WE LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR NEXT GROUNDBREAKING REPORT: "DUDES
WILL STICK IT IN A TREE STUMP."
BASED ON A TRUE STORY. NEXT UP, "AMAZON'S ROBOTS ARE
GETTING CLOSER TO REPLACING HUMAN HANDS," AND CAN HANDLE
"MORE THAN 1,000 ITEMS AN HOUR, MEANING IT COULD PICK AND STOW
ITEMS AT RATES SEVERAL TIMES FASTER THAN A HUMAN WORKER
COULD." BUT CAN THOSE HANDS DO THIS?
BOW! BOW BEFORE YOUR GOD, ROBOT
MINIONS!
"OUR INVESTMENTS IN ROBOTICS AND TECHNOLOGY ARE HELPING MAKE JOBS
IN OUR FACTORIES BETTER, EASIER, AND SAFER, AS WELL AS CREATING
NEW CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR OUR PEOPLE."
ADDING, "CAREER OPPORTUNITIES AT OTHER COMPANIES-- NOT OURS!
WE'RE GOING ALL ROBOTS. GOOD LUCK, SKIN BAGS!"
( LAUGHTER )
NOW A FIREFIGHTING ROBOT. LET'S SEE IT IN ACTION.
IT CAN DRIVE AROUND AND, APPARENTLY, IT'S SO POWERFUL IT
CAN BLAST 1,200 GALLONS OF WATER A MINUTE ON A FIRE.
SO, ADMITTEDLY, LESS USEFUL FOR GETTING YOUR CAT OUT OF A TREE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.