-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," you guys!
I'm so excited about this.
Taylor Swift is my guest tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Yeah. It's incredible.
While you were just applauding, Taylor wrote three more albums.
[ Cheers and applause ]
She is unbelievable.
Loving "Midnights."
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, President Biden says
that he plans to run for re-election in 2024.
Meanwhile, at a rally this weekend,
President Trump also hinted at running.
It's big news, but all I can think about is Taylor Swift
being on the show tonight, so...
[ Cheers and applause ]
So you know what that means.
It's time for "The News: Taylor's Version."
Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-So, Biden and Trump are both running for re-election,
and they've got major "bad blood,"
which everyone knows "all too well."
Of course, Trump has quite the "reputation."
Every other day, he's like, "I did something bad,"
and Biden has to be like,
"This is why we can't have nice things,"
which is why this could be the most dramatic election
ever -- more -- Importantly --
"Evermore" importantly, they both need running mates.
Biden is looking at Kamala like, "You belong with me,"
while Trump is looking at Mike Pence like,
"We are never ever getting back together."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Like, ever.
Pence is actually considering a run of his own,
but everyone is like, "I forgot that you existed."
[ Laughter ]
"Long story short," everyone is tired of politics.
But, hey, "you need to calm down,"
"shake it off," and get "ready for it,"
because "'tis the damn season." So --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Go get your voting "card again,"
head to the polls --
Yeah, that was a stretch, that one.
Head to the polls and fill in every "blank space."
It doesn't matter if you're blue or "red"
or even a "lavender haze."
You've got to let your voice be heard,
both in 2024 and during the midterms in "'22."
This has been "The News: Taylor's Version."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
"Card again." -Yeah.
-No, that was awful. That was a stretch there.
Yeah, that's right. Biden intends to run again.
And in a recent interview on MSNBC, he was asked
about his concerns over his age.
Check out the President's response right here.
--I think it's a legitimate thing to be concerned
about anyone's age, including mine.
That's not how I feel.
I can't even say the age I'm gonna be.
I can't even get it out of my mouth.
[ Laughter ]
-I've heard of people dancing around their age,
but I've never seen someone
actually dance around their age, like...
[ Laughter ]
Eventually, a middle school nun stepped in, like,
"Leave room for the Holy Ghost.
Leave -- Leave room for the Holy Ghost."
Secret Service didn't know what to do.
They were like, "Should we step in or give them alone time?
What's the call here?" [ Laughter ]
Some more political news -- over the weekend,
former president Trump held a rally in Texas,
and I noticed that he had some trouble
with the word "smuggler." Watch this.
-They deliberately surrendered our border to vicious coyotes
and drug smaller -- I mean, these drug smug--
the smuggler. A smuggler!
[ Laughter ]
-"These drug snugglers -- drug smuckers --
drug snickerdoodles, they --" [ Laughter ]
He sounds like he took whatever illegal drug
is being "smullered" across the border.
Sounds like a guy trying to do his first Wordle.
It's like, "Small? Smug?
Is smulg a word?
I'm gonna try 'smulg' anyway. Why not?
Let's see. Oh, I'm very smart."
Speaking of Trump, the January 6th Committee
announced that they have subpoenaed the former president.
Yep, Trump's already bragging like,
"I've got the biggest subpoena.
I've been saying it for years.
Nobody's subpoena is bigger than mine."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, the committee was like,
"Here's a federal document that you can keep."
Yeah. [ Audience groans ]
Some big news from overseas -- today, Britain announced that
Rishi Sunak is going to be their new prime minister
after Liz Truss lasted only six weeks in office.
Yeah, when he showed up to his new office, people were like,
"You can unpack your things, but I wouldn't hang up
anything on the walls." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, on Thursday, after 45 days in office,
Liz Truss announced her resignation
as prime minister of Britain.
Let's take a look back
on all the greatest moments of Liz Truss.
♪♪
-Good afternoon.
♪♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Well, some sports news -- the World Series matchup
is set with the Houston Astros
taking on the Philadelphia Phillies.
[ Cheers and applause ] And, of course --
♪♪
Of course, the fans from Philadelphia are super pumped.
Check out this video.
-Let's go, Philly! [ Laughter ]
-I'm feeling great!
Four more!
-Come on, Phillies!
Four more! World Series, baby!
-We got married on Friday, and the Phillies won!
-This is the best part of the weekend, by far!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh! "By far"?
-"By far." -Oh, my God.
-A lot of people have videos of the moment they got married,
but very few have a video of the moment
their marriage fell apart. You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
Finally, scientists in Japan have gotten closer to finding
a cure for baldness after they were able
to grow hair follicles in a lab.
Well, they actually grew them just outside the lab,
then they combed them over into the lab.
[ Laughter ] We have a great show.