From the director responsible for all things Tim Allen,
comes the film that asks children to imagine:
What if Santa was real?
And what if he was a legally binding curse inflicted on whoever stole the pants off Santa's dead body?
This movie is why a whole generation can't spell his name.
Huh.
Return to the Christmas of 90's past,
"Ho ho ho!"
Where, just like a pop star making a half-baked Christmas album,
Actors at the height of their powers
would pump out a half-baked Christmas movie
That you think is a classic because you were a kid when it came out and didn't know any better.
Meet Scott Calvin,
a careerist jerk.
He's fighting his jerk ex-wife.
And her jerk boyfriend.
Over custody of their jerk kid!
"You never do what I want to do! - Would you please be quiet?"
But, when he fourth-degree murders Santa Claus,
he'll take his job, give it his own jerk flair...
"How come you don't have a beard?"
"Do you want this doll or not?"
"Go back to sleep."
...get fat-shamed by his jerk coworkers,
You're starting to look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy!
...then lose his career, clean legal record, and son in the process!
Uh, 'happy' holidays, I guess?
Experience a film all about the magic of Christmas
that sucks all the magic out of Christmas.
Where Santa isn't a man, but a job title.
Santa dies so often, the rules of succession are printed on his business card.
And Santa's physique isn't a choice,
but a virus that twists the host's body into a Santa shaped mass
from which there is no escape.
Hmm, I wonder what would happen if a woman killed Santa.
Or a child. Or a dog.
"I'm Santa Paws now."
They made a movie out of that too?
Woof.
Prepare to believe again.
Specifically the belief that therapy is for losers.
"He's not a doctor, he's a psychiatrist."
As this broken family drama makes it clear
Santa and psychiatry don't mix.
"He's not Santa."
"He is too Santa!"
Where not only is all mental health advice stupid,
but the whole reason the hero believes in Santa
is to get revenge on his ex-wife for dating a shrink.
"He doesn't believe in Santa."
"Well, Neil's head comes to a point."
"Go ahead, Dr. Miller."
"I guess we know who's the teacher's pet."
"Scott! Oh, grow up."
"He listens to me."
"Then he charges you for it."
Ho ho, holy moly
Someone's got some issues to work on.
Journey to the North Pole for a strange new take on Santa's Workshop.
With its own paramilitary squad that operates outside of human law.
"We're your worst nightmare."
Eternal child brides trained to service Santa's every need.
"You look pretty good for your age."
And Bernard, a cruel taskmaster who keeps the workers toiling away at their stations.
"Excuse me, are we on a coffee break?"
And blackmail Santa into leaving his old life behind or else Christmas is dead for everyone.
"You wouldn't want to be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you?"
There is no way this place has a union.
So revisit this 90's throwback
that makes everyone's fantasies come true.
From kid's fantasies that Santa is real,
parent's fantasies that their children will respect them,
the studio's fantasies that this movie deserved a trilogy,
and Tim Allen's fantasy that he wouldn't immediately crack in a police interrogation.
"Name"
"???"
Unlike, y'know, what ACTUALLY happened.
Look it up.
"You're gonna make a great psychiatrist one day, kid."
"No"
"I think I'm going to go into the family business."
So... you're gonna kill your dad?
Hey Screen Junkies, we're turning our January Honest Trailers over to the fans
Click the link to vote for the 2017 movie you want us to do!
*reading comments*