WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL, INFORMATION, HAPPY FRIDAY.
HAPPY FRIDAY.
HAPPY EARLY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY FROM OUR FRIENDS FROM THE OLD
SOD OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW WHO COULD USE A LITTLE LUCK OF THE IRISH?
DONALD TRUMP.
BECAUSE THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IS AFTER HIM,
LIKE THEY'RE AFTER A LEPRECHAUN'S POT OF GOLD.
AND THEY'RE DOTTING THE I's AND SPILLING THE TEA.
FIRST VICTIM: FORMER TRUMP ATTORNEY AND CARTOON MEERKAT,
MICHAEL COHEN.
COHEN ORIGINALLY TOLD CONGRESS THAT HE NEVER SOUGHT A PARDON,
FROM THE PRESIDENT, BUT THIS WEEK, IN CLOSED
TESTIMONY, HE REVEALED THAT "THE PRESIDENT'S ADVISERS DANGLED THE
POSSIBILITY OF A PARDON LAST YEAR" THROUGH A BACK CHANNEL
WITH GIULIANI.
OF COURSE, THE DANGLING MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ON PURPOSE.
AT HIS AGE, I'M GUESSING RUDY'S BACK CHANNEL IS MOSTLY DANGLE.
( LAUGHTER )
OOOOH!
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: GET THAT IMAGE LODGED UP THERE.
AND COHEN HAS KEPT THE RECEIPTS ON THIS ONE.
SPECIFICALLY, TWO 2018 EMAILS FROM GIULIANI'S BUDDY,
ROBERT COSTELLO, WHO WROTE COHEN COULD "SLEEP WELL TONIGHT"
BECAUSE HE HAD "FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES."
FIRST OF ALL, THE PHRASE "SLEEP WELL" IS NEVER REASSURING, NOT
EVEN IN THE MOB-THEMED CHILDREN'S BOOK:
"SLEEP WELL, MOON."
( LAUGHTER )
HIGH PLACES" SURE SOUNDS LIKE A PARDON DANGLE TO ME.
BUT COSTELLO, WHO WROTE THAT EMAIL, CALLED COHEN'S STORY
"UTTER NONSENSE," EXPLAINING, "THIS STATEMENT, 'SLEEP WELL
TONIGHT, YOU HAVE FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES,' WAS A
TONGUE-IN-CHEEK REFERENCE TO A GARTH BROOKS SONG."
WHAT?
THAT SONG IS CALLED "FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES," WHICH IS ALREADY A
TONGUE-IN-CHEEK REFERENCE TO THE ACTUAL EXPRESSION, "FRIENDS IN
HIGH PLACES."
IT'S LIKE COSTELLO IS SAYING, "I'VE WRITTEN A PARODY OF THE
WEIRD AL SONG, 'I LOVE ROCKY ROAD.'
IT'S CALLED 'I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL.'
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WEIRD AL FANS.
BIG WEIRD AL FANS HERE TONIGHT.
COSTELLO SAID HE WAS SIMPLY TRYING TO OFFER COMFORT TO
"A CLIENT WHOSE STATE OF MIND WAS HIGHLY DISTURBED AND HAD
SUGGESTED TO US THAT HE WAS SUICIDAL."
HOW COULD YOU TELL?
WHENEVER I SEE HIM, I WANT TO ADD A HOTLINE NUMBER UNDERNEATH.
STAY STRONG, MIKE.
AND COHEN WASN'T THE ONLY ONE GIVING SECRET TESTIMONY.
CONGRESS ALSO HEARD FROM FORMER ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL AND
LEX LUTHOR PRETENDING TO BE CLARK KENT, MATT WHITAKER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHITAKER GAVE CLOSED DOOR TESTIMONY TO THE HOUSE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE, AND AS SOON AS THE DOOR OPENED, WE LEARNED
EVERYTHING HE SAID FROM COMMITTEE CHAIR AND FUN GRANDPA
WHO TEACHES YOU NAUGHTY LIMERICKS, JERRY NADLER.
LAST MONTH, IT WAS REPORTED THAT TRUMP ASKED WHITAKER TO PUT AN
ALLY IN CHARGE OF THE COHEN INVESTIGATION.
RUMOR HAS IT TRUMP WANTED TO APPOINT HIS CLOSEST ALLY:
KIM JONG, UN-TTORNEY AT LAW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES, HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED IN A LABOR CAMP?
CALL NOW.
PUTTING A CRONY IN AS U.S.
ATTORNEY OVER AN AN INVESTIGATION YOU'RE THE SUBJECT
OF IS CALLED...
OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.
BUT THAT'S NOTHING NEW FOR TRUMP.
IF HE DOESN'T OBSTRUCT JUSTICE EVERY HALF HOUR, HE GETS AN
ALERT FROM HIS APPLE WATCH: "TIME TO STAND!
AND UNDERMINE DEMOCRACY FOR ONE MINUTE."
GOTTA-- GOTTA CLOSE THOSE RINGS.
GOTTA CLOSE THOSE...
>> Jon: CLOSE THE LOOP, UH-HUH?
>> Stephen: NOW, NADLER SAYS THAT IN PRIVATE TESTIMONY,
WHITAKER DID NOT DENY TALKING TO TRUMP ABOUT COHEN.
SO HE DIDN'T CONFIRM, BUT HE DIDN'T DENY.
WHAT DID HE DO?
DID HE PHRASE IT LIKE A RIDDLE?
(AS WHITAKER)
THREE, ABOUT MY TIME AS THE ACTING A.G.!"
HA-HA-HA!
POOF!
HA-HA-HA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EASY, ACCORDING TO CONNECTICUT REPRESENTATIVE AND LOUIE
ANDERSON PLAYING TED KENNEDY
JOHN LARSON.
LARSON COMPLAINED, "WHEN HAVE WE EVER HAD A PRESIDENCY WHEN
THE NEWS CYCLE IS DICTATED IN THE MORNING BY WHAT HE TWEETS?
YOU'RE WORKING OVERTIME TO MAKE YOUR CASE, AND IT'S LIKE
PUSHING THE BEAN UPHILL: YOU REALIZE WHAT A DIFFICULT JOB IT
IS IN THIS ENVIRONMENT."
FIRST OF ALL, CRY ME A RIVER, LARSON.
TRY MAKING IT FUNNY.
( LAUGHTER )
PUSH THE BEAN UPHILL.
IS THAT A THING?
(AS LARSON)
TRYING TO GET MILK FROM A STONE, BUT THERE'S PLENTY OF FISH IN
THE MALL, AND THE EARLY BIRD CATCHES THE SYPHILIS."
( LAUGHTER )
JEFFRIES PUT IT THIS WAY.
"DONALD TRUMP IS LIKE THE WIZARD OF OZ: HE CREATES ALL THIS
IMAGERY-- THIS CHAOS, THIS CRISIS, THIS CONFUSION."
HE'S RIGHT.
TRUMP IS ACTUALLY EVERY CHARACTER IN "THE WIZARD OF OZ."
HIS BONE SPURS MAKE HIM A COWARDLY LION.
KIDS IN CAGES PROVE HE DOESN'T HAVE A HEART.
HIS SPELLING SHOWS HE DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN, AND HE'S THE
SUBJECT OF A "WITCH HUNT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) (AS TRUMP)
"THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE MAR-A-LAGO.
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE MAR-A-LAGO.
AND MY THIGHS WON'T LET ME CLICK MY HEELS."
"I DON'T-- I DON'T-- JUST-- I'LL TAKE A MULLIGAN THERE."