Mr. Schue, I know we tend to be racist at this school, but you have taken it to another level.
What do you mean? I'm just visually teaching my students about the Latino culture.
William, that costume is extremely inappropriate. The students have become very upset.
What?
How is this racist?
So, Principal Figgins told me you wanted tenure, but need some help with your Spanish.
That's right. See, I'm about to get married and I could really use that tenure.
Okay.
Well, let's start with some basics.
(spoken in Spanish)
Uh...
(spoken in Spanish)
One of my students, Santana, taught me that.
It means wonderful leader.
Right...
Look, Will, you do inspiring work with your glee club.
I do?
Yes, you just gotta have more...
(spoken in Spanish)
[laughs]
I'm flattered, David, but I'm seeing someone.
[school bell]
Damn, it looks like I have to actually do my job.
What do you want, Artie?
Well, lately I've been feeling useless.
Like I've been slowly fading into the background.
I see.
What do you think I should do?
[silence]
I'm not qualified for this shit.
You're supposed to help me. It's your job!
It might be my job, but that doesn't mean I know how to do it.
If it's not on a pamphlet, I got nothing.
Some guidance counselor you are.
I've got a bottle of whiskey hidden in my drawer that's gonna guide me into a nice lunch break.
So, why don't you run along?
[silence]
That was a horrible choice of words to use. I'm sorry.
You see what I mean? Not qualified.
[silence]
Why are you still here?
Allow me to make introductions. Uh, this is--
I am one of the best damn coaches you'll ever have the pleasure of meeting.
The name is Roz Washington.
Oh so you're the black Sue?
The black who?
Sue, that's who.
A black you?
A black Sue.
It's true, I'm a black Sue.
[silence]
Um...
By the way, I'm having a baby.
Guys, first of all, I just wanna say I'm not a racist.
That's exactly what a racist would say.
And to prove it, I would like to introduce you to my Latino friend David Martinez
Who's Latino.
And super hot.
His face would fit beautifully between my bosom.
I think my ovaries just exploded.
Kurt, you don't have ovaries.
That's because they've just exploded.
Mr. Martinez is here to bring some Latin flavor into our club.
[in Spanish]
I don't know how to wash my balls.
I'm out.
[Door closes]
Maybe I should just teach History instead?
[in Spanish]
So, you and Sam kissed?
Yes, but I'm with Shane. I don't wanna be like all the other crazy bitches on this show.
I don't want to cheat.
Honey, relationships can't start unless someone cheats.
I wanna be different. Why does there always have to be cheating?
I don't make the rules, I just follow them. And you should too.
Can't we just get together the normal way?
No. I suggest you give into what's hip with the young crowd.
Don't say no. Listen to your peers when they pressure you.
Life will be so much easier for you.
[silence]
Where do I sign to get you fired?
Look, if you want to take your mind off of things, why don't you start a club?
It'll keep your mind preoccupied.
I bet you both are wondering why we gathered you here.
Dad, daddy, what's going on?
Well, Burt, the trusty mechanic, told us you both were engaged to get married.
We've been meaning to tell you, but--
There's nothing to tell, Finn, because it's not happening.
Nope!
Daddies, who have had reconstructive plastic face surgery since season one
Finn and I are in love and we want to get married.
You're right, dumpling, love is love and you two should get married.
Really?
Yes, in fact, we think you two should spend the night together at ours.
LeRoy and I thought about it and we've come to the conclusion that
it'd be a good exercise for you two to live with one another.
Cool!
Thank you for understanding, daddies! You two are the best.
[school bell]
Why did you guys call me in here?
Are we about to have some weird Irish Roller Derby three way kind of thing?
No... We both really want a story line, but in order to get one we need a love interest.
So who do you wanna be with?
Try to let Rory down easy.
Is this a hypercondriac question?
I think you mean hypothetical quest--
WELL, you're both pretty pathetic so, it's almost a drawer.
Don't you mean draw?
But I'm gonna have to go with Rory because I look awesome in green.
At least I got some lines.
Lucky YOU.
Hello, and welcome to this year's first God Squad meeting. Praise.
I'm glad to see Quinn back. She had lost her way, but through prayer she's back again.
Sure, let's go with that.
Praise.
Why did we let a homeless kid in here?
You were once homeless.
This is Joseph Hart, our new member.
Hi, you can call me Joe.
I've been home schooled my whole life. I don't know much about the world and--
That's great, Tarzan. No one cares.
Who's Tarzan?
Dude, you've never heard of Tarzan?
He was the monkey man that got it on with Jane.
I don't know much about sex, but I do know Jesus.
You're home-schooled, not a hermit.
I'm probably the worst stereotype that's ever been at this school.
Next you're gonna tell us you've never met a gay person before.
[silence]
Okay, who the fuck is this guy?
Praise.
So, here we are...
Yeah, it's kind of scary and awesome at the same time.
We can do this though, right?
Right. I just need to use the bathroom.
T-To urinate, right?
Yeah...sure.
Finn...it's been awhile a-are you okay in there?
[fart]
Are you..NO! FINN! Finn damn it, you better not be--
[poop drops in toilet]
The missile has landed.
Finn you son of a--
My girlfriend. MY girlfriend. Politics and Latino.
Santana...
Brittany is my girlfriend. Equal rights.
Santana, I think they've got it now.
If I want to kiss my girlfriend, I can. Rainbow flag.
I'm back, crayola monkey!
[choir]
Did you bring my gift?
It's the gift that keeps on giving. It's another Blaine solo!
A what?
I'm gonna sing!
[demon]: Oh joy..
Kurt?
[demon] : Happy Valentines Day.
[POP]