(applause)
What I wouldn't do to have your voice.
I was saying that up front, on top of the show.
I heard that earlier, you have nothing to worry about.
You have a delightful voice.
When I go through puberty, it'll be fantastic.
(laughter)
Until that time...
For the second time. Yeah.
Let's get the voice and the Jimmy Neutron
thing out of the way, because
there was a big disappointment in my life
and Martin Short's, who was featured with me
playing my sidekick in that.
We originally agreed to do this movie
because we had seen some designs for Jimmy Neutron.
And it was our impression that the role
was going to be played by you.
Well, you know, let me ask you something.
I saw clips from this movie today.
And you thought it was you.
I called my lawyers.
Liz, show this.
This is clearly a rip-off.
(laughter)
I want in on the merchandising.
I want a chunk of the action.
Yeah.
I mean, you presumably have copyright in your appearance.
I don't think so, no.
NBC has that.
Uh-huh Yeah
And it's worth a lot of money, I assure you.
Well, it was a disappointment
and Martin feels the same way.
I'll come after you.
I'll crush you all with my legal team.
The little guy is good.
He's smart.
He saves at least his little part of the planet
and it would have been charming
had you been doing it, because then
you and I would have had something in common.
You remember we discussed-
I also have a higher voice than the boy who got the part.
(laughter)
So I could have done it myself.
We'd have both been saving the university
in one way or another.
That is, you and I.
We will work together soon, I assure you.
I'll look forward to it.
We'll do a buddy comedy where we
drive around and go over a bridge and stuff.
It'll be fun.
Let me ask you about a high honor, which I also envy.
Madame Tussauds made a wax figure of you,
which they're displaying.
It's in London?
Is it also here in New York?
Yeah, that's a miracle, isn't it?
It can be in two places at the same time.
The fact is there's more than one.
But why do you envy it.
Surely you have-
I just think everybody wants a-
What do you mean?
Surely I have one?
Yeah, surely.
Cuckoo, what are you talking about?
(laughter)
The world doesn't want to see
a wax replica of Conan O'Brien.
But here you are.
You're an American institution,
at least certainly a New York institution.
I'm an American who's been institutionalized, yes.
(applause)
Yeah, thank you.
Thanks for the pity.
I think that must be very strange,
because these wax figures, they don't look like wax figures.
I've seen these things in person and they're stunning.
What's it like to go and look at yourself in 3D?
Quite seriously, I found it very, very unnerving.
And of course, at the press release,
they wanted me to stand nose to nose
with my figure, to stand cheek by jowl and so-forth.
But I didn't want to look at him.
Why not?
If I had one, I'd be staring at it all day.
So pretty.
(laughter)
Maybe that's a good reason why you shouldn't have one.
I'd be touching it, yeah.
I don't know we should go there at all.
Yeah, let's leave that alone.
My weird fetish with my own wax figure, yeah.
Let me ask you about a Christmas Carol.
This is not you playing the role
with a lot of other people in a stage production.
You provide the whole world of a Christmas Carol.
You provide the different voices.
Is this not right? Yeah.
This is just you alone providing even the sound effects.
I tell the story, so I'm the narrator.
I physicalize all of the characters.
There's some disagreement as to how many,
but there's somewhere between 35 and 40 characters.
And because I wanted it to be purely an actor's evening,
we don't have mechanical sound effects.
So I do the sound effects:
violins, doorbells, chiming clocks.
So you're like Geraldo, providing
all the sound effects yourself.
Kerplash!
He's good.
Geraldo's very good.
I could use some of that.
Yeah.
So, what kind of sounds are you doing?
Are you actually trying to mimic the sounds?
Well, for instance, in the Fezziwigs' party,
there was a fiddler who plays for the dancing.
And would you like a little?
Yeah, I want to hear this.
(imitates fiddle)
He's not a first-class fiddler, you understand.
Yeah.
He's a little out of tune, yeah.
(imitates fiddle)
(applause)
The Philharmonic have not yet called,
but I'm expecting any moment now.
I'd be cheap, too.
If I do a guy sawing wood- Can we hear that?
If I was doing the role, I would just
work in all these things that are never
in a Christmas Carol, but suddenly,
Bob Cratchit made a table.
(imitates saw)
Ladies and gentlemen!
All right, let's hear it.
Do you do anything else?
Just then Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes showed up.
Hogan!
The whole thing would fall apart.
You remember that thing that I said
about you being an institution?
Yeah.
It was a mistake. No I know.
It's not true.
I have to ask you about this.
You apparently forgot.
You said there are something like 32 or 40
some odd characters that you do.
You once forgot to include some of the children
and you had to improvise and get them back.
You lost some kids while you were doing it.
I lost two Cratchits.
Not once, it was a few nights ago.
And my wife was in the audience that night
and halfway through the Cratchits' Christmas lunch,
she said, "I thought they had more children than this.
There are two of them missing."
Of course, I'm alone on the stage.
There's nobody else there.
The fact is, I omitted to introduce them into the scene.
And then all of a sudden there they were talking.
They had come from nowhere.
So I had to lean heavily on their voices
and their characterizations whenever they came up.
That's what happens when you're alone on stage.
The comforting thing is that you can backtrack,
go forward, move around.
It's a little malleable.
You can play around with it a little bit.
It's infinitely malleable, yes.
You are now shooting the 10th
Star Trek movie at this moment.
And I know there are a lot of people on the web
that want to know what's going on.
Anything you can share with us,
anything people can look forward to.
How long do we have?
Oh we'll have enough time, I think, to tell us.
Give away something that you're not supposed
to give away and get yourself in a lot of trouble.
Okay, all right.
I'm sitting in the captain's chair of the Enterprise.
All right?
How's that?
No, I'll tell you what-
Just then you saw some wood.
Then you play the violin. Play the violin.
One thing it doesn't have.
It doesn't have a romantic storyline
for the captain this time.
Maybe they were-
Yeah, thank you very much.
You know, it's still time to write in, you know.
The script can be fixed.
No romantic storyline for me,
but a lot of high energy action.
I can tell you, I got to drive for two weeks,
our opening two weeks of filming in the desert
a hundred miles or so from Los Angeles,
a futuristic 24th-century off-road vehicle
built by the man who is synonymous with off-road racing.
My uncle Ivan Stewart built and designed this
real live high powered off-road-
It looks like something that's from the future.
Right.
And I drove it everywhere for two weeks.
It was a wonderful experience.
It's like being in a very high-priced nursery.
You know it's just a Ford Probe
with some fancy stuff on it.
I assure you, it's the real thing.