[MUSIC PLAYING]
This is number 1.
And your other two books are number 1 and number 2
in paperback, right?
Number 1, number 2, number 3.
Wow.
Yeah.
And then-- that's crazy.
I know.
And I have a show on the E! network.
Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
Imagine if you were--
Imagine.
Imagine what could happen.
I don't know.
You're doing just fine.
Your show is very, very popular.
And congratulations.
And the book is filled with--
there's some stories about your parents in here that,
Yeah, they weren't great.
[LAUGHTER]
Do they know that?
Well, my dad knows, because he can read, so he--
[LAUGHTER]
They do know.
But they know that I make a lot of fun of them.
And my dad thinks that he's kind of a celebrity now too.
He said yesterday, he goes, (DEEP VOICE)
I can't even go to the market anymore.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
I'm like, I can go to the market,
so obviously you can go to the market.
[LAUGHTER]
But they just had me after they had five children,
so they were just--
I think they were thinking I guess if we get pregnant,
she'll just raise herself or something.
So I never had good stuff growing up.
I never had the real Barbie doll.
I always had the Barbie with a Y at the end and three bald spots
or something.
I mean-- or like Cabbage Patch Kids.
They never got me the real one.
It was always like the Cabbage Patch Kid
without the birth certificate who
was like a preemie and sick.
[LAUGHTER]
So it wasn't great.
It was embarrassing a lot of the time.
But look what it does.
It forms you.
It makes you this today, right?
It really-- it does.
It gave me a lot of material.
I'm so happy anybody even cares about anything
that I have to say.
Like, I'm just-- I mean, I'm not sure if you're that interested
right now, but I feel--
[LAUGHTER]
--the fact that people were willing to buy books and read
books, I mean, I'm so grateful, because my childhood--
it really did.
It paid off.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
So that's actually-- you kind of look for those horrible things
to happen so that you can write a book later.
I did.
Every time something happened, I would say to my parents,
I'm like, I'm keeping an eye on you guys.
I'm like, this is going to end up somewhere,
so watch yourself, you know?
Right.
And let's talk about--
I love animals, and you just rescued a dog.
Now is this true?
You never wanted to rescue a dog before?
You'd never liked dogs?
Well, don't make me sound evil.
I mean--
[LAUGHTER]
I heard that you didn't really ever want a dog.
I had dogs growing up, but I didn't ever
want to have to walk a dog or to clean up really, you know?
I mean, it's the same thing why I don't want to have a baby.
Until they come out with one that
doesn't go to the bathroom, I don't
think that I'm really equipped for it.
It's not my natural instinct.
But my friend had this dog.
His name-- this is the dog on the book cover too.
His name's Chunk.
There's another picture of him too.
And he's the sweetest thing in the world.
Chunk is the name of the dog.
Oh, look at him.
There he is.
Flying private.
[LAUGHS]
That's great.
He only flies private, that Chuck.
[LAUGHTER]
He obviously came from a great family.
[LAUGHTER]
He actually came with the plane, so it
was a really weird rescue.
That's good.
Buy a plane, get a dog.
So this dog.
Look at the face.
So that was--
Look at him.
It was in a pound and about to be killed, right?
It was.
He was going to be electrocuted.
And I said, no, doggy.
I said, you're coming with me.
And I got him, and he sleeps in my bed
and he puts his ass in my face when I sleep.
And I don't even--
I was like, I will never sleep with a dog in my bed.
I never thought I would do that.
And now he just sits there and he does the little helicopter
right before he goes to bed, you know?
Where he shuffles around.
And then I always think he's going
to put his face next to mine.
And I'm like, oh!
And then no.
It's always the ass.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
That's what he's aiming for.
Yeah.
He doesn't respect me.
I have a cat like that.
Yeah.
That's a great looking dog, though.
And thank goodness for you to come along and take that dog.
Thank you.
Has a little soul in its eyes.
And so you have--
you're doing a show.
How often do you tape your show?
Is it every day?
[SIGH] As far as I know, it's been every day.
Yeah.
I do a show every day.
I get some days off.
But I'm starting this book tour, so I go to--
I'm traveling all around the country.
I go to Portland, Oregon, and Seattle this week.
And I have two shows in Portland and in Seattle.
How do we find--
I'll put it on the website then, because--
I already put it on your website before I got out here, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
You are on top of it.
I saw you I think at the People's Choice Awards
with your new boyfriend and you speaking
of-- you seem like you're glowing ever since you met him.
It must be the penetration, you know what I mean?
[LAUGHTER]
It brings out-- listen, when a girl falls in love and we find
our guy or our woman or our--
our person that doesn't identify as a man or a woman, we thrive.
Yes.
Right?
We glow.
We are illuminated.
And I found my guy.
Yeah, I'm so happy for you.
Thank you.
That's the most important thing.
Yeah.
[APPLAUSE]
It is.
I mean, I say it all the time, but it is the only thing
that matters is love.
And then everything else just is-- but love
is the only thing that matters.
Yeah.
And you know what's nice about my guy?
He reminds me a lot of my mother,
and not in a sexual way.
But there are a lot of elements that I didn't realize
I was missing, because my mom has been-- she
passed away a long time ago.
But there are a lot of elements in my life
that I didn't know were missing, and he kind of
brings those back, and he cares for me
like my mother cared for me.
And it's so sweet that I'm like, are you my mother?
[LAUGHTER]
Like, you mean nurturing qualities?
Just nurturing, always looking out for me, making
sure I have everything I need.
I'm addicted to lip balm, and he's always
caring two lip balms.
He's like, do you need your lip balm?
If I'm walking through an airport
and I have my handbag on, he's like, give that to me.
You don't carry anything.
And I'm like, I'm so into you.
You know?
It's just beautiful.
Like, I wouldn't let anyone do that for me
unless I was completely in love.
So it's nice to be vulnerable to that.
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
Because I mean, obviously, you've had a tough life
and you're very strong, and you've
been in control of everything.
And sometimes it's hard.
You have to be at the right place
in your life to be able to receive that.
And the fact that you are and you're allowing that to happen
is a beautiful thing.
Yeah.
It's empowering to be-- to finally let it down and be
like, OK, I'm in love with someone.
I can act like I'm in love.
I don't have to pretend like I hate every man anymore.
Right.
So is that gone from your act now?
You're not--
No, no.
I still hate a lot of guys, but--
[LAUGHTER]
--but minority men are easier just to get along
with in general, you know?
Yeah.
Is that true?
Well, yeah, they're just not as entitled as white men.
Not all white men.
White men over a certain age mostly
have the problem just kind of coming to grips with where
we are as women, saying, hey, we want equality.
And they're like, but why?
Well, because it's time and because we're over it,
you know?
So--
Yeah!
[APPLAUSE]
Like, don't ask any questions.
Don't ask any questions.
Don't argue with us anymore.
We're tired and we've had it.
[LAUGHS] And what are you learning from him?
Because that's the beautiful thing too,
when you finally meet somebody that challenges you
and that is sort of a mirror for you.
You learn from each other.
Well, I mean, I'm not learning how to cook from him,
because he talks a big game about all
these Filipino-- my husband-- or husband.
Whoopsie doodle.
Wow.
He's my boyfriend.
Wow.
He's-- oh my god.
I've never let that slip out.
I mean, I've never even said the word husband.
We're not married.
But he talks a big game about how
he's just great in the kitchen.
Like, he thinks he's a Filipino wizard chef.
And so far, he hasn't been able to even cook rice for me.
So we do a bunch of cooking segments
on my Instagram account and his, and every recipe he's made
has been a disaster.
And I'm not very good in the kitchen,
but I now know that somebody is worse than me.
[LAUGHTER]
That's a shame, but--
It is a shame.
--because he thinks he can cook.
Well, he thinks he can.
He'll be like, oh, I'll make you chicken adobo,
and then he can't make it.
And I've made him a bag--
I once made him a bagel in a skillet because I
couldn't find the toaster.
I was in a rental house and it was hidden.
And I decided to--
I said, how do you want your bagel?
Like, medium, medium rare?
What's your-- you know?
[LAUGHTER]
And he was like, what are you talking about?
I'm like, I have a special recipe I do.
So I heated up a skillet and I cooked him a bagel.
Sauteed it in the skillet.
And it was so delicious he was like,
is this a secret Jewish recipe?
Because I'm Jewish.
And I was like, yeah, sure, whatever.
And then he wanted another one.
And I was like, obviously I'm killing it,
and you can't even cook rice.
Wow.
[LAUGHTER]
Now we've all learned something, that you
can make a bagel in the skillet, and you can have it medium or--
Or medium rare.
If that's what you're into, or medium well done.
It's just like a burger, everybody.
[LAUGHTER]
And you're on tour right now.
That's probably why you're in a lot of rental houses
maybe, because you're staying in houses.
What is the tour called?
The tour is called Vaccinated and Horny, and--
[LAUGHTER]
It's emblematic of a lot of the--
of the way a lot of people are feeling these days.
And I came up with the tour name before Joe and I got together,
but I'm still horny.
It's just directed at one person, you know?
[LAUGHTER]
And I'm definitely still vaccinated,
so that didn't change much.
But yeah, it's been amazing to be on tour.
I mean, winning the People's Choice Award,
being nominated for a Grammy.
I'm like, oh, I guess I should have
been taking this stand-up stuff seriously,
more seriously a long time ago.
I used to perform and think it was like a party for myself,
you know?
I'd get drunk and go on stage and be like, oh, that was fun.
And then I was like, well, maybe that's not what
your audience is looking for.
It's actually a professional obligation.
So I started really--
I kind of-- hey, I got myself really together
and focused for this, and it's paying off.
It sure is.
I mean, a Grammy nomination, congratulations.
[APPLAUSE]
Aw!
Yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]