Welcome back to The Whirlpool, where fibs and fabrications are pulled under and drowned.
I’m Michael Whirly.
We are trapped in a torture chamber of our own making and there is no escape but death.
Living in this sinful, fallen world means being subjected to constant temptation.
And there is no sin to which we are tempted so often as lust.
Naked, mindless carnal lust is the rocket fuel that powers our perverted, sick popular
culture on its neverending round-trip to the moonbase of debauchery.
Brazen sexuality has infested every corner of our daily lives, but nowhere is it as prevalent
and inescapable as television.
Much has changed since the 1950s and ‘60s, when my great granduncle Archbishop Fulton
J. Whirly would take to the airwaves every week to share sermons drawn from Our Heavenly
Father’s word which were wise, timeless, and most of all wholesome!
Where, I ask you, is the wholesomeness in today’s primetime TV schedule?
Blindspot?
A show that began with a naked woman being discovered in Times Square?
What did she do in the second episode?
Have an abortion?
Supergirl?
Feminist propaganda!
I’m told this show also features homosexuality and a transgender character.
Does that mean Supergirl used to be Superboy?
No wonder our children are so confused.
Speaking of the homosexual agenda: Modern Family?
More like Modern Sodom and Gomorrah.
Ed O’Neil, how far you have fallen.
And let’s not forget The Good Place, which is definitely not where the people who make
it are going.
[Ad: An ad for Just DRBs, a local mail order business.
Narration: “Hello.
My name is Tony Porter, Wilkes-Barre, PA.
Ten years ago I had an incident befall me where I lost consciousness during a breath-holding
contest.
I saw beautiful visions of Our Heavenly Father and the Blessed Mother and felt the touch
of inspiration.
When I woke up in the ambulance I had the idea for my business: Just DRBs.
Here’s how it works: you send me $25 and I will send you a brand new Douay-Rheims version
of the Bible.
That’s it.
That’s all I do.
I call the business Just DRBs because DRBs are all I sell.
Send me the money for your DRB today.”]
And those are just the broadcast networks.
On cable we have such unadulterated filth as Games of Thrones, which not only presents
pornography under the guise of epic fantasy but can’t even be bothered to follow a reasonable
production schedule.
Two years between seasons?
Really?!
Beyond cable lies the deepest realm of popular depravity, the product of an unholy union
between television and the internet: streaming services, where new lustful temptations beckon
around every corner –
Bojack Horseman, with its rampant bestiality;
The Handmaid’s Tale, which mars an otherwise inspiring depiction of an ideal society with
titilating sex scenes between handmaids and commanders;
and the new Star Trek series, which somehow lowers the bar for an already degenerate franchise
by featuring gratuitous uses of profanity and a scene depicting human-on-alien sexual
intercourse complete with exposed Klingon breasts!
Thank God such an obscene production is at least kept behind a paywall where no innocent
people can watch it.
In light of the godless state of television, I can only hope that if and when the One True
Church finally expands its broadcasting footprint from its local station WOTC Channel 67 to
a more far-reaching platform
– the long-rumored OTC Network, perhaps –
the powers that be will “greenlight” my idea for a godly, family friendly situation
comedy about a respected journalist and teacher of the word, beloved by his family and community,
who is constantly facing and overcoming the challenges of remaining pious in an impious
world, and dealing with the headaches caused by the constant interruptions of his annoying
Lutheran neighbor.
It’s an idea I’ve been kicking around for awhile now.
At one point the “working title” was Hurly-Whirly, but if it ever gets picked up I think I’ll
just call it “The Michael Whirly Show.”
Until then, for The Whirlpool, I’m Michael Whirly.