- I have a tough time, y'all know I'm trans, right?
Y'all figured that out already, you bunch of-
Look at you, you bunch of LA detectives.
Y'all are like, of course I know.
I'm from Kansas, not from Mars, I can tell.
No, the weird thing is, I wasn't trans
before I got the vaccine.
The fucking Johnson & Johnson, I swear to God.
One shot, my ass.
- Can I just say a sentence out loud
that I kinda can't believe I'm gonna say out loud?
It's 2022.
We're doing stuff right now in 2022
that we never would've been able to predict.
We never would've thought
that this is where the world would go.
We're out here doing, we're repping vaccines
like we're in gangs and shit.
We're on the street like Pfizer, motherfucker, what's good?
Who you with, Moderna?
Who you with?
We look at people with Johnson & Johnson
like they have prepaid cellphones.
We're like.
Like damn, how people live like this?
This is crazy.
If you got the Johnson & Johnson on the first round,
that is the most cis straight white man thing you can do.
Johnson & Johnson is the most
shampoo and conditioner combined shit you can do.
- But it's nice to be here, nice to be back in New York.
You know, I don't live here no more.
I live in London, and-
Yeah, I like it there, but it's nice to be back in New York
and always a lot of love for me here.
Sometimes too much love, you know?
The other day, I went to a restaurant and there was a line,
everybody was checking their COVID passes and stuff,
and then I walked up, and the guy was like,
ah, Aziz, you're all good, bro, just come on in.
And I was like, no, no, no, no no.
Please check my pass.
I'm not out here trying to have dinner
with Kyrie Irving and Nicki Minaj.
I got an extra 10 seconds, please.
We're all pretty close, man.
You guys had to show your COVID pass, right?
Yeah.
Or your easily obtainable fake COVID pass.
Who designed these things, man?
Can we get the squad that did
the McDonald's Monopoly pieces?
Those have so much more security.
There's like holograms and shit.
You go into a McDonald's, they're like,
this isn't Pennsylvania Avenue.
Get this shit outta here.
COVID pass team was like white paper, black lines?
I think we're done, Jim.
- Yeah, that COVID is some bullshit, man, you know?
Folks talking about take the shot.
I'm, you know, I don't know what the fuck to do.
That shit is, they're trying to scare you with the shit.
Go ahead and take it, oh, got a pill now.
Ah!
I went on and got it, I said, fuck it.
Yeah, I went out and got it.
When they start talking about cutting my shit off Netflix,
I said, "Here, where you gonna hit it at?
Put it in."
I said, "Hit me in the ass with it.
Hit me, hit me-"
I thought I had it, I did, I thought I had it.
I went to the doctor.
He said, "That ain't what I said."
I said, "What'd you say?"
He said, "I told you, you tested positive
for cocaine on the 19th."
I said, "I didn't hear you, I didn't know what you said."
"All I heard was 19."
See, niggas don't wanna take the shot.
The best way to get niggas
to take that shot is put it in flavors.
"That motherfucker poppin' baby,
that pineapple Moderna, nigga!"
"Shit!"
"That watermelon Pfizer!"
"Nigga, yeah. I'm on my ninth shot, man."
"You know they got the mango
coming down next month, man."
- You know, I was in London
and I got one shot of AstraZeneca,
then I had to come to LA for something,
and I called my doctor,
I was like, "Should I just get the Johnson & Johnson?"
He's like, "Yeah, go ahead and get it
so you're fully vaxxed."
So then I got Johnson & Johnson,
and then, recently I got a booster.
I got a Pfizer.
So, I got a lot going on.
I'm like one of those DJ Khaled songs
with way too many features.
"Another one."
People go in on the folks
that don't want the vaccine though, right?
Who's that guy, a football player?
Aaron Rodgers.
What do you think about that guy?
- Fuck him!
People hate that guy, though.
"He's a fucking idiot!"
It's like, all right, calm down.
He's a football player.
He read some articles, he got skeptical,
he did some research.
Are you stunned he came to the wrong conclusion?
Did you really think he was gonna crack the case?
Did you think Fauci was gonna be out there like,
"I just got off the phone with Aaron Rodgers"?
This poor guy.
It's like we're all in high school
and we're making fun of the quarterback
for doing bad on the science test.
"You're a dummy, Aaron, you're a dummy.
You don't know anything, do you?
You're a dum-dum."
This guy makes a living getting hit in the head.
Can we cut him a break?
I guess he did kind of lie, right?
They were like, "Dude, are you vaccinated?"
He was like, "I,
I'm immunized, I...
My doctor gave me some powders from Jamba Juice and I...
He did come off a little arrogant in
some of those interviews and stuff, right?
He was out there, he's like,
"You know, I'm a critical thinker."
Oh, no.
Was he, like, running the scientific method?
"Question: Should I get the vaccine?
Hypothesis: I don't think so.
Data gathering: Listen to some podcasts
and talking to a few sketchy doctors.
Conclusion: No way, José."
I don't think he's an idiot, though, okay?
I don't think him, Nicki Minaj,
any of these people are idiots.
I'm not here to say that, okay?
And I just think they're trapped
in a different algorithm than you are.
You know what I mean by that?
And if you're calling them idiots and stuff,
you're trapped in another algorithm.
I know everything you're gonna say about everything.
"All these dummies, they're taking horse medicine."
All right, well, technically,
humans can take that medicine, all right?
Yes, there's nothing showing
it actually helps with COVID,
but when you just say they're taking horse medicine,
it pushes them further away.
I don't know, man.
We just gotta figure out some way to have some empathy.
We're all kinda just trapped in our own little world.
And unless we figure out
how to talk to each other in real life again,
it doesn't matter what the problem is.
I don't know what the answer is.
Maybe click on some of the stuff
they click on for a few days.
See what's going on.
Don't go too hard, though.
End of the week, you'll be out there like,
"Fauci's a pedophile."
- It was crazy, like we had to wear a mask to save lives.
Like, that's what we needed to do, right?
And like, when the people were dying, I was so angry
when I would see someone's nose.
And it was always an older man's nose.
I see y'all, y'all didn't give a fuck.
Bill, Bob, James, whoever the fuck you are,
I saw, I was so mad, I was like, "Put your nose away!"
You remember a few years ago
when guys were just taking their dicks out at work?
And we were like, "Nobody want to see your dick."
This time I was like, "Nobody want to see your nose!"
These guys turned me into a Karen!
I was tattletaling at Whole Foods.
I was like, "His nose is out!"
"He is by the rotisserie chickens.
That is not okay!"
"Now he's by the oxtail, what the fuck!"
It's not okay!
- I gotta be honest though,
I saw a lot of you youngsters didn't wear masks
and I got upset at first, but then I did the math.
I understand why you didn't wear 'em.
You know what I mean?
You knew you were gonna survive.
Right?
You went to college, you bought the dream.
You left with the debt and there was no jobs.
So you played the only card you had.
Get COVID and breathe on somebody older
with a corner office.
That's what you do, all right?
Power is not given away, it has to be taken.
And people have to die, historically speaking.
People have to go.
You know what did amaze me during all of this?
Was the amount of shit that doctors got
from non-doctors, slash complete fucking morons.
People who had to go to summer school.
"According to my Internet research,
if you take a little bleach, vitamin D and aspirin..."
And people are like, listening to 'em.
Like, my favorite heckle doctors got from people was, like,
"Dude, what's the last thing they even cured?
What?
Fucking polio?"
It's like, "No. HPV."
They just came out with a vaccine for HPV.
No more warts on your dick.
We should be carrying these people around on our shoulders.
Thank you!
For not having to make me go down to the doctor.
And be like, "That's not a birthmark, is it?"
Or even worse, you're too shy to go,
so you try to do self-surgery
with a frozen Bud Light can.
"Stick it on there, freeze it off!"
Bud Light, one of the big sponsors
of this comedy tonight.
No, they say that, "What was the last thing they cured?"
How about AIDS?
Dude, AIDS was gonna kill everybody.
You get it from fucking.
It was over, now look at it.
Now you can get it, they give you one pill.
It doesn't even show up on a test!
You can go out and bang somebody,
no condom, they don't even get it!
According to my Internet research!
Don't listen to me, but I think
that that's what I overheard in a bar.
- Right, there's a real spirit of innovation here, right?
It's the same energy that allows you
to innovate to the point
where you get the iPhone 13 Max Pro.
Is the 12 okay?
12 is amazing, but fuck it, keep going.
Come on, we can put some more lenses on this thing.
There's still some more surface area.
Come on.
It's the same energy that allows you to create
a miracle mRNA vaccine in under a year.
Yeah.
That works, and then refuse to take it.
That is the most American shit ever.
America is like, "The whole world is in trouble.
Let's use everything we've ever learned,
our entire knowledge base,
every resource at our disposal,
every immigrant who ever got a PhD,
every local-born PhD student,
let's combine forces
and create this miracle mRNA vaccine in under a year.
And we did it, and it fucking works and fuck you!
We're not gonna take it!
We're not taking that shit.
We're not taking that.
You take it, we're not taking it, you take it.
Oh, what? Oh, what?
You want it, oh, you want it?
Well, fuck that, we're not gonna give it to you.
We'd rather throw it in the river.
Go suck it up from a river, suck it.
Suck my dick.
Fuck you and fuck us.
Oh, what, what, does it work?
Oh, my God, it works like a charm.
There's like a 90% efficacy.
It blows all simulations out of the water,
but fuck that shit, we're not taking it.
Fuck you and fuck us."
That is the most American shit ever.
- I grew up watching scary movies.
Now, I love zombie movies, right?
And there's always that scene, yeah, where you find out,
"Oh my God, they're zombies."
And it's never just one zombie, it's like 30 zombies.
And I would watch that scene in every movie and think,
"That's unrealistic."
"How would they let it get so bad?"
Right?
'Cause if I ever see one zombie, I'm killing the zombie.
But to get to 30?
How do we do that, and then I started thinking,
"Ah, you know why?"
It's because we never showed that scene in the movie
where the assholes are walking around, like,
"It's my right to get bit by a zombie."
Oh.
"It's my right as an American to get bit by a zombie."
You're not supposed to pick how you die, stupid.
- "What's the last thing they cured?"
Do you know what fake legs looked like when I was a kid?
Huh?
First of all, there was only one color,
it was like Band-Aid color.
And everybody knew you had a fake leg.
You're fucking walking down the street and everybody,
"oh, he's got a fake leg, what do you think happened?"
Motorcycle accident, fell down a flight of stairs,
got impatient with a woodchipper.
Right?
Everybody knew you had a fake leg.
Now, if you have fake legs,
you're not allowed to compete with people with real legs
in the Olympics, because not having legs
is now more of an advantage than having real legs.
Doctors make better legs than God.
All right, your calves, and your feet
flopping around, are no match for a couple of sickles.
These people just skiing down the fucking street.
You get 'em by some train tracks that go downhill,
you're never gonna see 'em again!
I enjoyed people being their own doctors, I loved it.
Good, kill yourselves, kill yourselves.
There's too many of us, it's fantastic.
- Everyone's always asking me to use my platform.
"Ronny, use your platform to spread awareness.
Spread it, spread awareness of vaccines.
Ronny, if you don't use your platform
to spread awareness of vaccines,
do you know anti-vaxxers might not take the vaccine
and they could die?"
What am I missing?
You're telling me if I do absolutely nothing,
I can make humanity better in one to two generations?
I mean, the public-utility-to-effort ratio
on that graph is just out of control.
Like, if you calculate efficiency on that curve,
at this point, it will be socially irresponsible
for me to tell people about vaccines.
Alright, just mathematically speaking.
Alright, like this is the miraculous technological era
that we live in right now.
Okay, within three months
of this shit breaking out in March 2020,
they decoded the genome of the virus.
Yeah, they decoded it.
They were like, "Yo, everyone, look, we found it.
We found the enemy.
Everybody, look, we got it right here.
Look, it's A-A-A-A, B-B-B-B-B-B, G-G-G-G-G-G,
A-A-A-A, D-D-D-D-D, A-A-A, C-C-C-C-C, T."
Can you imagine showing that to these idiots on Facebook
demanding evidence?
Saying, "Where's the evidence, where's the evidence?"
Like, "Right here, yeah, we got it.
We found the exact sequence of proteins and amino acids."
"What the fuck is this shit?
Oh, yeah, right, you 'decoded' a genome.
Oh, yeah, you expect us to believe you 'decoded' a genome,
and that's what it looks like,
these shitty Scrabble letters.
Yeah, I can decode genomes too.
Anyone can decode genomes.
Watch me decode genomes on my keyboard all day."
All these fucking D-average students
who were in the back of the classroom
their entire academic career.
They were in the back of the class.
Stay the fuck in the back.
Don't come to the front during a pandemic
because you figured out how to start a podcast.
Stay the fuck in the back
with your D-average mouth where you belong.
You had every opportunity to prove yourself academically
and you failed or were mediocre at best at every level.
Why the fuck should we listen to you about anything?
Let the nerds lead.
Yeah.
That's what the nerds are for.