To the untrained eye, Bikini Bottom looks like a lovely place to live. The worst you’d have
to deal with are some mildly annoying neighbors and some more-than-mildly unhealthy food…well,
and the lack of oxygen outside of Sandy’s place, of course. But there are some
nasty criminals in the deep blue sea with crimes far worse than stealing a balloon…
I’m Andrew with WickedBinge, and whether they’ve stolen,
assaulted, or worst of all…littered… Today, we’re sentencing SpongeBob Villains for their Crimes.
To clarify, we aren’t members of the Bikini Bottom Police, so we don’t exactly know all the
ins-and-outs of the undersea judiciary system. So we can only do our best to uphold justice.
Before we begin, there’s one SpongeBob antagonist who doesn’t really have any
crimes under his robe–but Squilliam Fancyson deserves an honorable mention. He’s constantly
getting under his old band class rival Squidward’s skin, taking every opportunity he can to one-up
him and rub in the fact that Squidward is a sad man in a dead-end job while Squilliam
is living all his dreams. It’s a darn shame we can’t give Squilliam a criminal sentence,
because we really don’t like the guy…but we’ll settle by telling him to Talk Things
Out with Squidward. Seriously, we don’t know if Squidward stole your bike or robbed your house
or is your scorned lover–just work things out and let the squid live his life, man!
CRIMES: Being a Jerk SENTENCE: Talk Things Out
Now pay attention, everyone; class is in session for our first criminal villain,
Mrs. Puff. She’s certainly the least villainous character on our list, as in fact she’s actually
very pleasant most of the time. But that doesn’t mean Mrs. Puff doesn’t have her fair share of
shady deeds. For one, in “No Free Rides,” she gives SpongeBob a license knowing full well how
bad of a driver he is. Later, when she realizes the danger, she steals his new boatmobile–but
while this was pretty bad, she actually did get arrested at the end. In fact,
Mrs. Puff gets arrested quite frequently–ever since one of her first appearances in “Hall
Monitor.” But there’s one episode that stands out: “Demolition Doofus.” In this episode,
Mrs. Puff is injured by SpongeBob once again, and decides to try and get rid of him by entering him
into a demolition derby. And yes–that’s just as morbid as it sounds. Mrs. Puff is genuinely
conspiring to get spongeBob killed. At the end of the episode, she comes in with her own vehicle,
tearing down the stadium and her own school as she chases Spongebob down.
This attempted murder is by far her worst crime, and given how familiar Mrs. Puff is with prison,
we don’t imagine the officers would object to locking her up once again. But honestly,
given Mrs. Puff’s horrible luck, we’d say her sentence would more likely be Teaching
SpongeBob… For Life. Sorry, Puff Mama…the slammer’s sounding pretty good now, huh?
CRIMES: Attempted Murder SENTENCE: Teaching Spongebob For Life
Speaking of things that sound good, anyone for some Krabby Patties? Bubble Bass sure is–but
make sure you don’t forget the pickles. Bubble Bass is one of the most iconic one-off characters
in classic SpongeBob–even though he returns in later seasons as a recurring character,
Bubble Bass appears seldom in the first 3 seasons, with his only major role being
in the episode “Pickles.” In this episode, we see Bubble Bass try to scam the Krusty
Krab into giving him a free sandwich by demanding a refund from Mr. Krabs,
claiming that SpongeBob forgot the pickles on his sandwich–but the whole time,
he was hiding them under his tongue. He also apparently stole a woman’s car keys,
which escalates this from regular scamming to theft. In the episode “F.U.N.,” he makes a cameo
appearance in which he squishes Plankton with his massive butt. The guy’s bad news, all around,
and while he’s not an irredeemable monster, he’s a huge jerk and isn’t above stealing and scamming
people. Still, given the smaller scale of his crimes, we’ll give Bubble Bass a light sentence
of Six Months in Prison. Oh, and of course–Mr. Krabs is gonna need that two bucks back.
CRIMES: Theft and Scamming SENTENCE: 6 Months
Up next we have a character who’s a little bit more threatening than everyone’s favorite
underwater neckbeard. He’s a vicious, cold-blooded predator–he’s Dennis. Let’s just say this guy
would have no problem getting into the Salty Spitoon. He’s the aforementioned bounty hunter
hired by Plankton with the intent of getting Spongebob and Patrick out of the picture. Even
Plankton himself describes Dennis as a vicious, cold-blooded predator. He’s a brutal bounty
hunter with a gigantic spiked boot to execute his enemies. And he himself assures his victims that
it’s gonna hurt a LOT. Dennis is certainly one of the more dangerous threats to underwater safety,
but with that being said, we’ve seen how the Bikini Bottom Police dealt with the Tattletale
Strangler. Even with a ridiculous amount of handcuffs, he still managed to escape
against all odds–rather easily, too. We’ll say that, for how dangerous he is, Dennis will get
20 Years in Prison… But. he’ll probably escape within three days by intimidating the officers.
CRIMES: Attempted Murder SENTENCE: 20 years
Okay, it’s time to get to the character with the smallest stature, but the biggest list of
crimes–Sheldon J. Plankton. He’s Bikini Bottom’s most notorious criminal, and he’s been stealing
the Krabby Patty formula since 1999–and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be stopping any time
soon. But theft isn’t the only dirty deed under Plankton’s belt. He’s guilty of attempted murder,
kidnapping, assault, blackmail, psychological manipulation, enslaving the entire population
of Bikini Bottom…you name it, he’s done it. He’s also contracted a bounty hunter, played God by
transforming the citizens of Bikini Bottom into babies, and perhaps worst of all is his crime of
owning the Chum Bucket. That might sound like a joke, but chum, by definition, is chopped-up
animal or vegetable product used to lure fish. This animal product can in fact include fish guts,
so…yeah, he’s basically endorsing cannibalism. He’s certainly the most dangerous creature
in Bikini Bottom, which would usually make a life sentence certain. The issue, of course,
is that Plankton is…well…microscopic. The guy’s not exactly going to be held by your typical
jail cell. Even after being arrested at the end of the SpongeBob Movie, Plankton apparently got out,
since he’s…you know…out after the movie. Given all of Plankton’s history, we’ll sentence him to Jail
Time…until he Escapes. Once that happens, we’ll just wait on the next patty-napping and continue
the cycle. But honestly, maybe his notoriously unsuccessful reputation is his punishment.
CRIMES: Attempted Murder,
Theft, Kidnapping, Enslavement SENTENCE: Jail… Until he Escapes
Besides, it’s not like his thievery is likely to result in legal action, considering Mr. Krabs is
far from an innocent man himself. Mr. Krabs is sometimes a heroic character and a caring father
figure to SpongeBob, but that doesn’t excuse him for his heinous deeds. Apart from the more
eccentric deeds like selling SpongeBob’s soul to the flying Dutchman–which we’re not really
sure how to even analyze as a crime–Mr. Krabs is constantly violating his workers’ rights.
He charges them for breathing, lollygagging, and even existing, not to mention severely underpaying
them. In “Bummer Vacation,” it’s revealed that Spongebob had worked so often that he HAD to
take a vacation day–otherwise Krabs would have to pay a fine. Speaking of–that fine was a quarter,
which SpongeBob states is more than he makes in a year. The episode “Big Pink
Loser” reveals that SpongeBob had to pay Mr. Krabs $100 per hour to work at the Krusty Krab.
We’re not sure exactly how money works in Bikini Bottom, but there’s NO way that’s okay. If that’s
not bad enough, the episode “Life of Crime” reveals Mr. Krabs’s habit of stealing–i mean,
“borrowing” items from Bikini Bottom citizens without their knowledge. In “Out of the Picture,”
he tries to murder Squidward, in “One Coarse Meal,” he harasses and psychologically torments
Plankton…okay, honestly, Plankton’s got some competition. As much as we all love this greedy
guy, the amount of crimes he’s committed is actually ridiculous. As far as sentencing goes,
we’re reminded of the episode “Patty Caper,” in which Mr. Krabs is punished for stealing his own
formula by being forced to sell his Krabby Patties for free for a whole day. This was
essentially torture for Mr. Krabs, but honestly…if he’s gonna be rehabilitated, he’s got a lot of
debt to repay. Our sentence for Mr. Krabs is Giving Away A Million Free Krabby Patties.
CRIMES: Theft, Exploitation SENTENCE: One Million FREE Krabby Patties
These sentences are getting complicated, though. Maybe it would help to call Mermaidman
and Barnacle Boy–they’ve done well to protect the sea from The Dirty Bubble. Mermaidman and
Barnacle Boy’s arch nemesis, the Dirty Bubble is SpongeBob’s favorite supervillain. He also seems
to be one of the most durable–even after being popped by SpongeBob in his debut appearance,
he comes back rather frequently. Given his penchant for filth and frequent attempts to
capture Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy, kidnapping and assault are the Dirty Bubble’s most notorious
crimes. During his time with E.V.I.L., he joins Barnacle-Man and Man-Ray to harass the town with
pranks. But there’s one episode that paints this nasty bubble in a more sympathetic light;
in the episode “Dirty Bubble Returns,” the Dirty Bubble turns into the Clean Bubble, and
actually tries really hard to clean up his act. It turns out that when he’s not covered in grime,
he’s able to be friendly and peaceful, even taking on a job at the Krusty Krab alongside SpongeBob.
It’s only when he gives into the temptation to dirty himself up again that he becomes his old,
villainous self again. It’s entirely likely that the Dirty Bubble has an addiction to grime–and,
like with many addictions, it’s what’s caused his life to spiral downhill. This doesn’t really
excuse the Dirty Bubble’s misdeeds, however–so we’ll give him 5 Years in Prison–plus mandatory
addiction counseling. When he starts making progress, we’ll offer him some parole…but maybe
we also need to keep him from the Krusty Krab–and Neptune forbid the Chum Bucket.
CRIMES: Evil Pranks SENTENCE: 5 Years
While the Dirty Bubble is the archnemesis to Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy, Man-Ray
is arguably the most iconic. In the episode “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy
III,” he’s unwittingly released from his frozen tartar-sauce prison and allowed to run wild in
Bikini Bottom once more. He attempts to rob a bank, and would’ve gone through with it were
it not for SpongeBob’s rehabilitation through his tickle belt. While he seems to have lost
the urge to do bad in this episode, he’s rather inconsistent. While he’s sometimes a peaceful,
ordinary citizen like in “Shuffleboarding,” other times he’s back to his old ways–like
his time with E.V.I.L., or his past of attempted world domination. Still,
if SpongeBob and Patrick’s time with him in his debut appearance was any indication,
he’s actually perfectly capable of being reformed. Our sentence for Man-Ray is The Tickle Belt–and
a Parole Officer to activate it whenever he acts up. Not to torture the guy–just to make sure he’s
staying on the straight and narrow…in other words, please don’t give this responsibility to Patrick.
CRIMES: Attempted World Domination SENTENCE: The Tickle Belt
These two may have Mermaidman and Barnacleboy to keep the citizens of Bikini Bottom safe,
but ye all best beware the ominous Flying Dutchman–and may Neptune have mercy on the
souls who dare disturb him. Excluding King Neptune, he’s quite probably the
most powerful villain in Bikini Bottom. Able to move with great speed, turn others into ghosts,
and even grant wishes, the Flying Dutchman has few limits to what he can do. He also seems to
be Bikini Bottom’s Grim Reaper, taking the souls of fish and other sea creatures to
Davy Jones’s locker. It might be a bit more likely that he’s a reaper for the more vile
citizens of Bikini Bottom. Which begs the question…does the Flying Dutchman count
as a citizen of Bikini Bottom? He seems more like a supernatural figure than anything else,
so it’s honestly questionable whether he’s subject to its laws. Besides, it’s not as though locking
the Dutchman up is gonna do anything, since he’s a ghost. We Don’t Know how to sentence the
Dutchman–so we’ll just keep our distance and make sure we don’t shave off his beard by accident.
CRIMES: Terrorizing People SENTENCE: We Don’t Know
King Neptune was on the table for this list, but since he’s Bikini Bottom’s king,
we’re not really sure how he could be sentenced…so we’re giving mention to King Poseidon, king of
the Lost City of Atlantic City. He’s the main antagonist of Sponge on the Run. For one thing,
he’s certainly guilty of animal abuse–using the slime of snails to keep up his flawless
skin’s appearance. When they’re used up, he discards them to be used as slaves in his
dungeon. He also attempted to execute SpongeBob when he came by to get Gary back. Like Neptune,
he’s an abuser of his power–and if he were tried by the Bikini Bottomites, it’s safe to say they
wouldn’t be too happy with him trying to kill one of their most beloved citizens. That said,
he does seem remorseful by the movie’s end–so we’ll sentence King Poseidon to a $1,000,000
fine for mass snailnapping–and of course, stripping him of that crown. There’s a reason
nobody genuinely wanted to be his friend in the whole city; he’s an awful ruler, to be frank. He
can keep the casino, though. CRIMES: Abuse of Power,
Animal Abuse, Attempted Murder SENTENCE: $1 Million Fine and His Crown
And there’s one last villain to go, as far as the movies are concerned: the notorious pirate,
Burgerbeard. He falls into the category of crimes we aren’t even sure how to categorize. It’s not
every day you see someone literally rewriting the fabric of reality so he can get rich. That’s
at least mass theft, tacking on assault when the heroes of Bikini Bottom arrive to get the
formula back, extortion for him threatening his adorable singing seagulls to keep them working
for him–and that’s all without considering the whole “rewriting the fabric of reality” thing.
The man is simply too dangerous to be kept on the streets in any capacity. He’s buried in
the sand at the end of the movie, but we’ll say that whenever he gets out, he’s gonna be buried
in Prison for Life. We WILL allow his birds to stay with him, however…that oughta teach him.
CRIMES: Theft, Assault,
Rewriting Fabric of Reality SENTENCE: Life in Prison
We’re nearing the end of today’s video, and we saved the most utterly despicable
villain for last. He’s the most cold, heartless monster in the series’ history:
The Pizza Delivery Customer. Everyone knows the classic episode “Pizza Delivery,” where
SpongeBob and Squidward work to deliver a Krabby Patty pizza to a customer. When
SpongeBob finally reaches his door, the customer callously throws the pizza in his face–accusing
him of forgetting his Diet Dr. Kelp. You know…a drink he didn’t order. Thankfully,
Squidward comes around to give him a taste of his own medicine. Now, technically, the pizza
customer didn’t commit any crimes here…but are we just gonna wait around until he does? Okay,
maybe we can’t ARREST the guy, but we’re still gonna give him the penalty of a Mandatory
Handwritten Apology to SpongeBob–or else we’re sending Squidward to his house to deal with him.
CRIMES: Making Spongebob Cry SENTENCE: Handwritten Apology