WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU CAN FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.
YOU KNOW WHY?
THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING.
WE'RE JUST TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THANKSGIVING.
IF YOU WANT MOIST BREAST MEAT, PUT YOUR TURKEY IN THE OVEN NOW,
AT 75 DEGREES FOR 48 HOURS.
( LAUGHTER )
LADY PARTICIPATED IN THE TRADITIONAL "PARDONING OF THE
TURKEYS" CEREMONY.
WHEN HE HEARD THE NEWS, PAUL MANAFORT SAID--
( GOBBLING )
THIS YEAR, THE TWO TURKEYS UP FOR PARDON WERE CALLED "BREAD"
AND "BUTTER."
THEY GOT INTO TOWN SUNDAY NIGHT-- AND THIS IS TRUE--
THEY STAYED IN A SUITE IN THE HISTORIC WILLARD HOTEL.
YOU KNOW THE WILLARD'S MOTTO: "THERE'S A CHANCE A BIRD POOPED
ON YOUR PILLOW."
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY STAYED IN A HOTEL.
THEN CAME THE BIG PARDON.
>> BUTTER, I WISH YOU A LOT OF LUCK.
I HEREBY GRANT YOU A FULL AND COMPLETE PARDON.
>> Stephen: A GREAT MOMENT FOR BUTTER.
HE-- BITTER GOT THE OFFICIAL PARDON MOMENT.
ONLY ONE THING: BREAD WON THE WHITE HOUSE TWITTER POLL BY
12 POINTS!
BUT, OF COURSE, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE PICKED BUTTER.
( LAUGHTER )
WOW!
>> Stephen: STILL, I GOTTA SAY-- BIT OF A SHOCKER, I AM
SURPRISED--
LOVELY PEOPLE.
THEY'RE ALL INVITED TO DINNER.
I'M SURPRISED BREAD WON THE POPULAR VOTE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT JOKE FROM LITTLE RICHIE DOM, AGE 8.
TRUMP'S BEEN HANGING OUT WITH ANIMALS ALL WEEK.
YESTERDAY, THE WHITE HOUSE RECEIVED A VISIT FROM CONAN THE
HERO DOG FROM THE AL-BAGHDADI RAID.
AND TRUMP WAS EXCITED TO SHAKE ITS PAW.
>> SO THIS IS CONAN, RIGHT NOW PROBABLY THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS
DOG.
I WAS TOLD ABOUT THE BREED.
I WAS TOLD ABOUT CONAN HIMSELF.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU HAVE IT
THE PRESIDENT PRAISED CONAN HIMSELF, RUN-OF-THE-MILL MOMENT
WHERE THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD GOES ON TV TO THANK A DOG.
NO WAY TO MESS THAT UP, RIGHT?
WRONG.
( LAUGHTER )
DAY THINKING CONAN WAS A VERY GOOD BOY, WE GOT WORD THAT A
WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL CONFIRMED THAT CONAN THE DOG IS FEMALE.
( APPLAUSE ) ( AS TRUMP )
"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
CONAN'S A GIRL?
WHATEVER SHE SAID IS A LIE.
YES, YES, I MOVED ON HER LIKE A BITCH, BUT SHE'S LITERALLY A
FEMALE DOG.
IT'S OKAY TO SAY THAT.
IT WAS CONSENSUAL PETTING."
( LAUGHTER )
MISUNDERSTANDING.
WE'VE ALL DONE IT.
LET'S MOVE ON.
NOW LET'S COME BACK, BECAUSE LESS THAN TWO HOURS LATER, WHITE
HOUSE OFFICIALS INFORMED THE MEDIA CONAN THE DOG IS A MALE,
EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD PREVIOUSLY SAID CONAN WAS FEMALE.
OKAY, ARE THEY CONFUSED, OR ARE THEY JUST CHANGING IT AGAIN TO
MATCH WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID?
( AS OFFICIAL )
CONAN IS, INDEED, MALE.
IN ADDITION, SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THAT WINDMILLS CAUSE CANCER, AND
DIET COKE IS A FOOD GROUP."
( LAUGHTER )
GENDER OF AN ANIMAL THAT, MAY I REMIND YOU, IS NOT WEARING
PANTS.
( LAUGHTER )
TWICE.
THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, A DEFENSE OFFICIAL TOLD A REPORTER CONAN,
THE HERO DOG FROM THE AL-BAGHDADI RAID IS, IN FACT,
A GIRL.
OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE!
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT THAT DOG'S CROTCH?
I MEAN, HAVE THE DOG DO IT!
THAT'S KIND OF THEIR THING!
THAT'S WHY WE'RE SO JILLOUS!
WE ARE, BECAUSE HE CAN.
OKAY, SO AFTER BEING A BOY, THEN A GIRL, THEN A BOY, CONAN IS A
GIRL.
LUCKILY, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE TO SPEND ON WHETHER
CONAN'S GOT THE KIBBLES OR THE BITS, UNTIL ONE HOUR LATER, WHEN
THE SAME REPORTER TWEETED, "TWO DEFENSE OFFICIALS HAVE NOW
CONTACTED US TO SAY CONAN IS FOR SURE A BOY.
ONE OFFICIAL SAID THEY TRIPLE CHECKED."
I'M NOT... I DON'T-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
TRIPLE CHECKED?
HOLD ON.
YEAH, OKAY.
THAT WORK OUT.
THAT WORKS OUT.