Ed Henry: We can’t have you stockpiling all these tickets, deciding where everyone
gets to sit.
I really need you to release some of these tables.
Frank Underwood: Well you know my motto, Ed, you scratch my back I won’t lacerate yours.
Henry: I have integrity, sir.
I’m not gonna cut a deal.
Underwood: I’ve seen your work, Ed, let’s not kid ourselves.
This is the part where you leave.
[Henry leaves]
Valerie Jarrett: What on earth happened, Frank?
You know I was supposed to sit next to Conan.
Underwood: Well it’s for the greater good, Valerie.
Jarrett: Greater good?
Please don’t tell me that it has anything to do with North Korea, same sex marriage,
cabinet app—
Underwood: No, no…
Jarrett: I’m not done, Frank.
Underwood: Oh alright, go ahead.
Jarrett: Taxes, gun control, the Middle East, cyber-warfare, the fiscal cliff, pipelines,
education, social security, Iraq, Afghanistan—
Underwood: Look, Valerie, it is not going to happen.
Jarrett: Well then I’m curious.
If not me, then who?
John McCain: He’s the one that got fired from The Tonight Show, right?
Underwood: Yes, and then he moved over to TBS.
McCain: Is that a real network?
Underwood: No, but neither is NBC.
McCain: Can’t we do better than Conan?
Like, Jimmy Kimmel?
We’re trying to rebrand, appeal to the youngsters—
Underwood: Look, I’m sorry but Conan is the best we can do.
McCain: Fine, as long as you don’t put Pelosi at my table, she keeps trying to friend me
on Facebook.
[whistles]
Politico editor #1: Congressman, we don’t focus on the masses, we focus exclusively
on an elite audience.
That said, we’d like Kim Kardashian at our table.
Underwood: Then I need Mike to start wearing pants to the White House briefings.
Politico editor #2: I refuse to wear pants until the President gives us more access.
Underwood: Just do as I say and Politico gets a Kardashian.
Oh and Mike, what is your home address?
#2: Uh, why do you ask?
Underwood: Well to send you the tickets, of course.
#2: Send ‘em to the office.
#1: Nobody knows where he lives, congressman, we mail his paychecks to a PO box.
Underwood: Oh, Mike, there’s no reason to be nervous, put your home add—
[#2 hangs up phone]
Underwood: Is Valerie badmouthing me to the President?
Jay Carney: [Shakes magic 8-ball] Reply hazy.
Underwood: Is she out for revenge?
Carney: Ask again later.
Underwood: Look, I need you—
Carney: Look Frank, you want to talk about immigration, we can talk about immigration,
we can talk about the budget, I’ll even talk to you about Jay-Z and Beyonce in Cuba,
but there are two things I don’t talk about: covert operations and Valerie’s magical
powers.
Kevin McCarthy: Steny is my best friend.
Underwood: So what’s the problem, you two play basketball every Tuesday.
Steny Hoyer: Nerfball, Frank, Nerfball!
McCarthy: But we don’t want the rest of the world to know that.
Underwood: Well Steny, I’m willing to break you two up if you can get me tickets to a
Raven’s game.
Hoyer: Are you kidding’ me, I’m all out, Frank, how do you think I got elected whip?
McCarthy: How ‘bout Taylor Swift at the Verizon Center, backstage passes?
Underwood: Oh now, you’re hitting me where I live.
Thank you gentlemen, you are the coolest whips in town, you better believe it.
[Knocks action figures off desk with phone receiver]
Hoyer: You have to introduce me to Ted Sarandos at the dinner, I can’t get my fu**ing Netflix
to work.
Major Garrett: I have three sources at the West Wing saying Valerie is on the warpath.
Underwood: You might think that, I couldn’t possibly comment.
Garrett: Is it true you’ve been hoarding tickets to the dinner?
Underwood: Where are you getting that?
Garrett: Ed Henry
Underwood: Oh, you mean Mr. Ed-tegrity.
Garrett: I’ve got to go, that’s Jeff Zucker on the other line.
Reporter: How about this, you tweet it and I’ll retweet it?
Underwood: Alright [types and sends tweet]
Reporter: Done, I thought you wanted the immigration bill to pass though?
Underwood: I did, but that stingy Hoyer wouldn’t give me Ravens tickets.
Reporter: Gotta go.
[To woman] Refill?
Woman: To the top.
Ben, this is so much cooler than the Correspondent’s Dinner.
Reporter: A colonoscopy would be cooler than that dinner.
Underwood: You can’t run for mayor again, Mike, that’ll put Anthony Weiner in a pickle
and then he’ll tweet that pickle.
Michael Bloomberg: Well, what do you suggest?
Underwood: President of the Correspondent’s Association.
Bloomberg: Doesn’t that position only last for a year?
Underwood: Well since when did term limits ever stop you?
And you should know, Mike, Ed drinks Big Gulps.
Bloomberg: Ed Henry, Kevin, I want him out.
Aid: I’ll make some calls.
Charlie Rose: Is that Frank on the phone?
Frank, it’s Charlie Rose.
Tell me this, why did you cancel last week?
Underwood: Margarett Thatcher died, I was in mourning.
Rose: Ok, how about next week?
Underwood: Well I’m already booked on the Today Show, but Doug will be in touch.
Ed Henry: If I at least play ball will you get Bloomberg off my back?
Underwood: Only if you give me your absolute, unquestioned loyalty.
Henry: That’s a pretty big ask.
Underwood: 42 seconds during the dinner to say whatever I want.
Henry: Take 45
Underwood: Washington and Hollywood.
Some new faces, some old faces, some new faces on old faces.
And I do sympathize, Conan, and not just for that backstabbing Leno, but having to host.
It must be so hard having to write jokes about a town that already is one.
Democrats, Republicans, the White House, Congress, you all came together to make this spoof.
That’s what real bipartisanship looks like.
I may lie, cheat, and intimidate to get what I want, but at least I get the job done, so
I hope some of you were taking notes.
Well have a wonderful evening and I’ll see all of you at the Bloomberg-Vanity Fair party,
that is, those of you who got an invite.
Oh, and Mr. President, welcome to Nerd Prom.
[Applause]