-With many parts of the world still reeling from COVID
and unable to get the vaccine, Americans have been offered
money, free food, and college scholarships
as incentives to get vaccinated.
Here with more is one of our writers, Jeff Wright.
[ Car horn honks ]
[ Bells jingle ] -Next!
-Hey, Government. -Hey, Citizen.
So, let me guess. You're here for the vaccine?
-Yeah. But I heard you're offering stuff to people
for getting the vaccine.
So what you got? -The ability to not get COVID.
-Hmm!
-And we'll give you a $5 Starbucks gift card.
-Hmm. As tempting as that sounds,
I heard West Virginia was offering guns, and I want that.
-Who offered what now?
-West Virginia is giving guns away
and a lifetime hunting license.
-Hold on. Let me check the back.
West Virginia! -What's up, Government?
-You offering people guns and a hunting license?
-Yeah. What good is a hunting license without a gun?
-Makes sense.
So, Citizen, you want a shotgun or an assault rifle?
-Oh! I'll just go with the shotgun.
Let me get my I.D.
-This ain't a driver's test. Just take it.
-Thanks.
-This is a big-ass gun. Next!
[ Bells jingle ] -Say, Government.
-Hey, Black Citizen.
-I heard you're giving stuff to people
if I get the chip in my arm.
-There's no chip.
Why are you always so suspicious?
-Redlining, slavery, Tuskegee.
-You're never gonna let me forget that?
We let you vote. -But do you?
-How about a free haircut?
-A free haircut? -Yeah.
-Do you even know how to cut black people's hair?
-Of course.
Just need some scissors...
a toothbrush, some grease?
-Man, no!
Now, what else you got to convince me to get the vaccine?
-Okay, hold on. Let me check the back.
Washington State! -Hey!
-You got anything for Black Citizen
for taking the vaccine?
-I can get you weed. A joint for a jab.
-Wait. Didn't you arrest black people for weed?
Now you're just offering it?
-Oh. I think somebody is calling me in the back.
-You're already in the back.
-Be -- be -- be right there!
-Hey, man, let me get the joint, though.
-Here you go.
Freeze!
I'm just playing, man. You're good.
Always so suspicious. Next!
[ Bells jingle ] -What it is, Government?
-Hey, Student.
Did you get my job offer for after you graduate?
You never sent it. -You right.
So, let me guess -- you're here for the vaccine, too?
-I'm here to return my vaccine,
because I ain't get anything when I originally got vaxxed.
So you can take this chip back.
-It's not a chip.
-So you're not tracking my every move?
-I mean, we know where you are at every second of the day,
but that's because of Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter.
We're not even looking for you, and you're like,
"Hey, it's your boy Justin at Six Flags."
-Even though I know this,
I'm probably still gonna keep posting.
Anyways, take this vaccine back or let me get something for it.
-What do you want?
-How about you pay off my student loans?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Student loans build character.
How about a joint?
-A joint?! I got joints.
Why don't you give the ocean some water?
-We might actually have to start doing that
because of global warming.
-For real? -Yeah.
We kinda screwed. -Wow!
-I know.
Anyways, how about I defer your loans for a month?
-Ah! Thank you.
-Next! [ Bells jingle ]
Come on, man, hurry --
Hey, Wealthy Citizen!
I wasn't expecting you today. What can I do for you?
-I heard you're offering incentives
to people for getting the vaccine.
-I mean, yeah, we are.
What would you like? Name it!
-A massive tax cut.
-Come on! You barely pay any taxes now.
You're going to take me out of business.
-Maybe it's time for new management then.
-No, no, no. Please, please. I'll do it.
I'll just cancel a couple bridges.
-See that you do.
Good day.
-Damn! Next! [ Bells jingle ]
-Hello, Government.
-Hey, Immigrant.
I see you're an official citizen now. Congrats.
-So does that mean you'll stop calling me Immigrant
and just call me Citizen?
-I'm just trying to respect your heritage
as a person who's not from here.
So, what I can do for you?
F.Y.I., we're all out of stuff.
-You don't have any more vaccines?
-Oh, no, we have vaccines.
We just don't have anything to give you for taking it.
-Oh, I just want the vaccine.
-And you don't need any incentive?
-I just want to live.
-See, that's why I can't just call you a Citizen.
You're way too logical. And you're judging.
-Psst! Psst!
-Hold on a second.
-Hey, ask him if he wants a gun.
Oh, wait. Is that Immigrant?
Never mind. We all out of guns.
-I can hear you.
Never mind. I'm out. -Wow!
The attitude on that guy.
-I know. Right? You heard him -- "I'm out."
What he think this is? "Shark Tank"?
-Right? Matter of fact, lock the door,
'cause he got in here way too easy.
-Jeff Wright, everybody.