[upbeat music]
- Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Trust me.
Whip cream plus spray cheese
equals cream cheese.
- All right.
[loud bang]
- Mads, are you okay?
- I failed.
- To look in the mirror? - [chuckles]
- My nursing school application.
I can't ever be a nurse.
- But you studied for like a year.
How's that possible?
- I flunked the personality test.
both: Ohh.
- Give me that! - Hey.
- I haven't had sugar in 10 years and you know what?
I'm done trying to be good.
- Wow.
- [sighs] - Well?
- Mama's got a sweet tooth.
- Aah! - Show me your stash.
[playful music]
- [man singing] This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here
'Cause you're a part-timer yeah
- [man singing] You can do anything
- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard
- [man singing] And you can go anywhere
- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car
- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success
- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are
- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed
With full-time dreams
And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh
Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?
- And...
got ya. [laughs]
I'll see you next week.
Oh! - So, my mom was reading me
the comics-- normal Tuesday tradish,
and look who's beady eyes were staring at me
from the crime section.
[dramatic tones] - [groans]
- Pete Petronavitch, 18-year-old male was arrested
for feeding ducks in Maple Park after hours.
This is the third strike for Mr. Petronavitch.
- It's not my fault. Those ducklings imprinted on me.
Please don't tell anyone.
I don't want to be treated like criminal Pete.
It's hard enough being treated like Pete Pete.
- Lucky for you I spent some time in the slammer.
- Uh, you said it was for like an hour.
- Yeah, which is an hour longer than you,
so obviously, that makes me the expert.
So allow me to be your tour guide
to the dark side.
[clangs twice]
- Oh, a secret door?
Wow, Ian, this is so--
[jazz music] Oh, my God.
Welcome to Club DuLocker.
It's a working title.
- Mads, consider us your sugar sherpas.
- The shamans of the sweet.
- As the Spaniards say, azúcares espirituales.
- Basically, we're gonna guide you through your first
sugar high in a decade. - Sweet.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.
You got to start right, little sister.
- Too fast, you'll have a bad trip.
Too slow, you'll never leave the airport.
- Yeah, you got to start with something raw
and pure.
- Hold your nose and let the sugar drip down your throat.
Don't force it. - [gags]
- Now slam these gummy sours.
- Now chew. Chew! Chew! Chew! Chew!
- Knock this back...
and get ready for the ride of your life.
- [gulping]
Oh, yeah!
- Remember that rush? First one's always the best.
- How could I forget it?
- I want to do something super crazy!
Let's go wild! - Yes!
- We're with ya! - Let's...
put sugar in the salt shaker.
- Eh, think crazier. - Salt in the sugar jar?
- Not there yet. - Here, you need to take a bump.
- I got it, let's go next door and run through the carwash.
- Yeah. - Naked!
[laughs]
- Uh, I'm not gonna be doing that.
- Zero chance. - Yeah.
- Here we are, Pete, bartender's bound to be
around here somewhere.
- Shirley Temple...
extra Shirley.
- I feel like James Bond.
- James Bond is a mama's boy.
He went to club DuLocker.
We're hardcore.
- Drink up.
- [coughs]
[games beeping, whirring]
- The carwash was awesome, you guys.
The brushes left some lacerations,
but no pain, no gain.
Am I right?
Where is it?
- Where is what?
- The sugar. I need more...
now. - There isn't anymore.
- What? - [whimpers]
- Come on, man. I just need a little more.
Just a teensy bit. - [grunting]
- I'll do anything.
- Mads, I'm sorry, we ate it all.
- [screams] No!
There's got to be more. There's got to be more.
There's got to be-- - Mads...
I think you've had enough. - [evil laugh]
- Come on. - [evil laughter]
- Garbage cake.
- And the downward spiral begins.
- [screams]
- [giggles] Fits like a glove.
- You think he's ready to hear the master plan?
- Ooh, I don't know if he's ready.
- I'm ready.
Come on, Ian, you said I was a criminal now.
- Okay, we're gonna rob a bank.
- What? - Ha-ha! Just kidding, man.
- Holy crap. - Yeah, we actually tried that,
but it was super hard. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So, uh, instead, we're gonna rob Pork. E. Pines.
- What?
Guys, I am not comfortable with this!
I mean, what would Anton think?
Or Lori? - That's the beauty of it,
they won't even notice.
- We're gonna rig all the videogames,
so that every third quarter,
comes directly to us.
- And how are you gonna do this?
- We're not. - You are.
First, you're gonna go down the street
and break into the construction site
and steal a jackhammer.
- Next, you'll drill a tunnel into the basement.
- Then, you'll knock down 10 holes in the support walls.
- Without Lori noticing. - And install a series
of tubes that connect to the quarter collectors of every game
and empty those quarters... - Into our bucket.
- Okay... - Also, you'll need to install
some kind of software
that'll reroute every third quarter into our bucket
so we aren't suspected.
We know you're good with computers,
because you wear glasses. - No!
I just have a stigmatism.
- We'll worry about that later.
First, and most importantly,
you need to break into Lori's office
and steal the alarm codes.
- Because you'll be doing all the construction...
both: At night.
- And what are your guy's jobs?
- Oh, we already did our job.
- We got the bucket. - The rest is up to you.
- But-- - Pete!
You're not gonna be a success in the real world
with a criminal record,
but you still have a chance with us.
- [groans] Okay, I guess,
but I'm that good with a jackhammer,
but maybe I can get the codes from Lori's office?
- If you can't use a jackhammer,
you can always dig the tunnel with this spoon.
- [panting]
[spy music]
Damn. Uh...
Oh!
S-E-X-B-O-O-K.
Damn! [sighs]
[chuckles]
"Alarm code: 1111"
[cell phone rings]
Mom, I told you not to call me when I'm at work.
They dropped the charges?
I'm no longer a criminal?
[laughs]
- What are you doing in my office?
- Uh, masturbating. - Mm-hmm.
Give me the passcode.
Now say "Hi," to Ian and Ella for me.
- Hey, you got some candy?
Any sugar? Chocolate bar?
- Sorry. - Get a life!
- [sighs]
- Mads?
Are you okay?
- Uh, I had kind of a rough day.
- Yeah, me, too.
I did this like weird dance
on the dark side for a while,
but, uh, you know, if you really believe in yourself,
you can come back from anything.
- Wow, Pete, you're so wise.
- I know, right? I read it on a Snapple cap.
[both chuckle]
Anyway, bye, Mads.
- Bye, Pete.
- She's relapsing! - Distract her.
I'll grab the cake. - No need, you guys.
I'm done with that. 10 days clean.
- That's great.
- Hey, I'm really sorry about nursing school,
I know how much that meant to you.
- Forget it. I'm over it now.
I found a new calling. - Heroin?
- No, I'm going to dentistry school.
[upbeat music]
- [sighs] Do you have any 4s?
- Uh, go fish.
- Are you sure he's coming back?
- Yeah, he hasn't been gone too long.
- It's been 10 days! - [groans]
All right, fine, let's start digging.
- Okay.
And we only have one spoon.
and I got the bucket, so...
[upbeat music]