- For some reason Mexican people,
and only Mexican people, have this sound
that comes out of us
that can just discredit anything you put in front of it.
It doesn't matter what it is,
we can kill it with that sound.
I just graduated from college, top of my class.
Ahh.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- My mom was a Mexican cook
at a Mexican restaurant;
we only ate Mexican food growing up.
Like I had no idea, but I wanted to see
what this Italian food was, so I said yes.
And my roommate's mom took us to this dope place
called Olive-a Garden.
(audience laughing)
If you guys didn't laugh,
it's because you don't speak Italian, and that's okay.
(audience laughing)
I don't judge you, but get some culture.
(audience laughing)
So we were at Olive-a Garden,
and we're eating the never ending breadsticks and salads,
you know, like they do in Italy, right?
(audience laughing)
You know how the salads come with pepperoncinis?
They kind of look like jalapenos, but like not at all.
It's kid of like when you see a white guy with dreads
and you're like, "Not at all," right?
(audience laughing)
Right?
Yeah.
(audience applauding)
So my roommate's mom sees the first pepperoncini,
and loses it, 'cause she thinks
it's a moment to bond with me.
I'm not kidding.
This woman wants to give it to me as a gift.
She looks at it, and she's like, (gasping).
Grabs a fork, stabs one, looks at me.
and says, "Ah ha ha ha.
(audience laughing)
"I know who wants this."
(audience laughing)
She was so excited.
I didn't know how she wanted me to react.
You know, like, (whooping).
(audience laughing)
Thank you, lady!
(imitates gunfire)
Olive Garden para siempre!
(audience laughing)
I was 18 years old.
It was the first day outside of Texas for me.
No one had ever talked to me like that.
I didn't know what to think; I didn't know how to react.
Part of me was so mad, I wanted to be like,
"Hey, you racist bitch!"
Right?
But I wanted it.
(audience laughing)
"Hey, you racist, but accurate, bitch, bring it here."
I told my friend that story recently,
and he's like "Why are you mad?
"That happened like two decades ago."
And I was like,
"'Cause I just realized it was fucked up now."
(audience laughing)
- One thing we don't do is we don't disrespect our parents.
It's never been done.
Or stepparents.
Let me cover all the bases.
We don't talk back.
I was in the airport and this little kid said to his mom,
"I hate you."
And everybody in the airport was like, "Ohh!"
(audience laughing)
And then we looked, and the lady was crying,
we're like, "Hey, what the fuck?
"Hey.
"Fuck his ass up.
(audience laughing)
"That's the only way he's gonna learn.
"Fuck him up."
(audience cheering)
Everybody in the airport was probably thinking,
"Fuck him up!
"Fuck him up!"
And then the fucking Latinos came out.
(chanting in Spanish)
(audience cheering)
And she said, "I've never hit him in his life."
I said, "All right then.
"You get on the plane, and we'll fuck him up."
(audience laughing)
Because he's gonna get fucked up.
Better he do it with some people that are flying with him.
One time I told my grandmother when I was eight,
oh, I said, "I hate you!"
And she must've had one in the chamber.
She's like, "You hate me?
(speaking Spanish)
"I fucking hated you first.
(audience laughing)
"Come on; fucking get it out.
"Get it out.
"I can take it; let it out.
(speaking Spanish)
"I hated you when you were born,
"when you went to the hospital right there.
"When you were born I went to the maternity,
"I said, 'Which one is my grandson?
"'The third one?'
(audience laughing)
"Come on.
"Get it out.
(speaking Spanish)
"I hated you when they were fucking making you.
"In the house I could hear (moaning).
"You know what I said?
"'Fucking swallow him!'"
(audience laughing)
Call in sick! Fuck it, eh.
(audience laughing)
When I was younger I used to think like that.
I'm just talking a party tonight, every fucking day.
Go eat a taco later.
You get older, man, you don't think like that no more, man.
You're too old.
You're like your dad, saying, "Fuck eh,
"I wonder if my dog is thinking about me.
(audience laughing)
"He was so sad when I left.
"He gets sad when he hears the keys." (barking)
For real, I start thinking about my dog and shit.
I'm like, "Fuck eh, what are you thinking about, bruh?"
"I don't know, man.
"We should stop and buy my dog a hot dog.
(audience laughing)
"He's fucking sad right now.
"He's probably still asleep by the door." (snoring)
You love your dog, man.
Sometimes you love your dog more than your kids.
"Dad, are you gonna be off the computer?"
"Shut up, mijo.
Trying to find a costume for the dog."
(audience laughing)
"Halloween's coming, you know."
"He weighs 90 pounds."
For real, man, I didn't even buy my dog,
like, at a pet store, man.
I found that boy at Walmart.
The parking lot at Walmart.
Fucking redneck guy with a box.
It's funny, man.
When I was a little boy, we had a dog, but shit,
we couldn't keep him no more.
And we don't know nothing about no shelters.
You know Mexicans, immigrants,
we don't know nothing about shelters for animals.
We know there's some for humans, but not for animals.
It was so sad.
My dad took the dog to the park and fucking left him there.
That fucking dog made it home before him.
(audience laughing)
With two other dogs, talking shit. (barking)
- I may think Mexicans are at the top,
but I'm not the top Mexican.
I still don't speak Spanish.
(audience laughing)
I know.
I wish I did.
Any other Latinos here that do not speak Spanish?
(audience cheering)
Where you at?
See, I'm not the only one.
Air fives.
Where Latinos at that do speak Spanish?
Where you guys at?
(audience cheering)
Oh, congratulations.
(audience laughing)
You're better than us.
(audience laughing)
I bet you put it on your resume, too, huh?
(audience laughing)
"Bilingual, Spanish and English."
Happy face, happy face.
Well, good for you.
(speaking Spanish)
I wish I spoke Spanish.
I got Rosetta Stone.
I've had it on my computer since 2006.
(audience laughing)
I'm still on level one.
(speaking Spanish)
This is why I'm still on level one, you guys.
Every time I hear the little computer lady say,
(speaking Spanish)
It sounds real rhythmic, like a song.
(speaking Spanish)
So I just keep pressing the button.
(audience laughing)
Over and over.
(speaking Spanish)
(Anjelah beatboxing)
(audience cheering)
So I'm still on level one.
(audience laughing)
Not really learning Spanish,
but I do have a new favorite song.
(speaking Spanish)
(imitating horn)
(audience cheering)
Lot of times, people just assume that I speak Spanish.
They'll just start saying Spanish words at me really fast.
And I don't wanna come out right away and be like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
"I don't speak Spanish," right,
'cause I'm ashamed of myself.
(audience laughing)
So what I do is,
I just like to go along with the conversation
for as long as I can, and then like at the end,
I just give them like a go-to Spanish phrase,
like (speaking Spanish).
(audience cheering and laughing)
But it usually has nothing to do
with what they're talking about,
so they're just like, "Huh?"
(speaking Spanish)
No, no (speaking Spanish)?
(audience laughing)
Okay, well, I haven't learned that song yet.
(audience laughing)
- And let me tell you guys something.
If you grew up listening to Vicente Fernandez
from a young age, and you get the opportunity to meet him,
it is seriously a religious experience.
My mom and I are entering the room.
The only thing missing is the freaking
(chanting in Latin)
You don't look at him; you look at the floor.
Out of respect you just look at the floor.
Come on, Ma.
We get all the way up to him, and I see boots.
And when I see the boots,
my mom and I both just...
(audience laughing)
He knows what you're doing.
He knows you're checking him out.
So what he does is he poses, okay?
Vicente stands there and he poses.
He'll have the sombrero, the hat, to his side.
And then he doesn't look at you; he looks away.
(audience laughing)
And he sticks his chest out.
And he stands there
looking like a big-ass bottle of Tapatio at Costco.
(audience laughing)
And then he looked at me.
And he recognized me, not as a comedian,
but because I was there the week before,
and my photo was hanging outside his door.
It was whoever's there last, they always rotate the photo.
So he sees me, and he's like, (speaking Spanish).
I go, "Yeah, that's me outside." (giggling).
(speaking Spanish)
(audience laughing)
"Vicente, Vicente, I'm sorry.
"Um, (speaking Spanish)."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Oh my God, I think I just offered up my mom
"to Vicente Fernandez."
She's like 73.
"Better late than never, Ma; get him!"
(audience laughing)
My mom starts walking up to Vicente.
He was so nice.
He goes out to shake my mom's hand,
and my mom grabs his hand.
And I don't know where she got this strength
and energy from, but she grabbed him,
and pulled him in hard, like the video game.
"Get over here!"
And then hooked him.
She hooked him, and she starts screaming into his chest,
(speaking Spanish).
I'm like, "Oh my God, she's getting horny."
(audience laughing)
And he knew, too!
'Cause he was like, (speaking Spanish).
The photographer, the handler, and me,
the three of us is what it took to pull her off of Vicente.
(rock music)