- Think of a word or a topic or a phrase
that you'd like a rap about.
But there's, like, a big responsibility.
You guys don't realize.
People always, you know, think that it's fun to shout, like,
"titties!" and "baseball!".
And you can be more difficult than that.
You don't have to- - [Audience member] Heroin!
- What was that?
"Heroin"? You said "heroin"?
(audience laughs)
How 1980s of you, sir.
(audience laughs)
I love the old-school drugs.
(audience laughs) "Heroin".
I actually felt very flattered the other day.
I was walking along Bleecker Street,
and I know that this guy,
the guy that was there, just says it to everyone,
but I walked past him and he was like,
"Coke? Coke? Coke? Coke? Coke? Coke?"
He just looked at me and just it said to me,
and I felt very like, "Aww, thank you"
(audience laughs) for thinking that
I would want that.
(audience laughs)
And, like, you know, like, you get, like, a word
caught in your head and you, like, just say it.
So I was just walking along being like,
I liked the way he said it,
so I was walking along just like,
just saying to myself like,
"Coke? Coke? Coke? Coke? Coke?"
And people were just looking at me like,
"Wow, (audience laughs)
you have sunk very low, Chris."
So, okay, so.
Heroin is a great first topic, actually.
There's not many rap songs about heroin.
(audience laughs) Right? You know,
there's a great Lou Reed track about it,
we love the Velvet Underground, but heroin,
rare in rap songs, so.
But, for the rest of you, just know
that you can be really difficult. You can-
Don't say anything that I've mentioned.
Don't mention the Queen. Don't-
British people, don't say anything weird and British,
'cause, like I said,
the Americans don't understand our country.
And the best suggestion ever was a German man who said,
(in German accent) "A day in the life
(audience laughs) of an Aztec high priest!"
(audience laughs)
"Do the rap about that!" (audience laughs)
So, we've got one suggestion.
We've got one suggestion from the man over there,
the man who just bellowed "heroin".
(audience laughs)
Was it a suggestion or an order? Was there a request?
(audience laughs) You're-
you won't sit on the same table as your dealer?
(audience laughs) Heroin. Okay.
Well, that came from this section, I guess, so let's-
I want to make it fair.
So, we'll come to this section.
We'll get four more suggestions. I feel-
I feel five is pretty decent.
So, people over here, what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience member] "You'll Never Walk Alone".
- So I said,
don't suggest niche British things. See, no one else knows
it's the anthem of Liverpool Football Club.
Exactly. You don't give a fuck about that.
(audience laughs) I will let you-
I'll let you take a shot at another thing,
something that Americans will understand.
- [Audience member] Brick!
- "Brick"?
You looked at the wall.
(audience laughs)
Unless you're gonna come at me now and go,
"No, I'm talking about
the early 2000s neo-noir movie by Rian Johnson."
But I don't think you-
When Joseph Gordon-Levitt talks too fast, right?
"Brick". Okay, so "heroin" and "brick". Nice.
- [Audience member] Theater club!
- Now what did you say? What did you say?
- [Audience member] Theater club.
- Pardon?
- [Audience member] Theater club.
- "Theater club"! Yes! Were you in theater club?
- [Audience member] No, but it seems like it would be funny.
- "No, but it seems like it would be funny."
Look at you mocking all the little nerds.
(audience laughs) Who-
Did that fit?
- [Audience member] I was in theater but not a club,
my parents didn't have money.
- What's the difference between theater and theater club?
- [Audience member] Your parents have money
if they can do the theater club.
- Do they? Okay, cool. I mean, I'm British,
so my parents have money, but they...
(audience laughs)
- That's a lie.
We grew up in Manchester, but I don't sound like it
because I wanted to be employable.
(audience laughs)
"Brick". "Theater club". "Heroin".
So theater club is like-
like, is it like glee club
but just with acting, not singing?
- [Audience member] It's like summer camp.
- Summer camp?
- [Audience member] Yeah. - Okay cool. I get it.
- [Audience member] But, like, with theater.
- But with theater. Thank you very much for explaining.
Dorks for a summer camp. Okay, great.
(audience shouting) No, that's fucking hick.
What did you say?
- [Audience member] Cast-iron skillet.
- "Cast-iron skillet". I love you!
That's a brilliant suggestion.
(audience cheers) So, just so you know,
we've only got one suggestion left,
so it has to be better than all these put together.
And so far, I'm pretty pleased with
cast-iron skillets, heroin, theater club-
brick, mmm. And so- (audience laughs)
- [Audience member] Vegetarian!
- What did you say?
- [Audience member] Vegetarian!
- Vegetarians. Are you mocking-
Let me figure out your perspective on them.
Are you a meat-eater or a vegan?
- [Audience member] Does it matter?
- Well, yeah, 'cause either
you're punching up or punching down.
(audience laughs)
Judging by that, you are a meat eater, right?
Because a vegan would be like,
"It does matter very much, Chris."
(audience laughs)
"And I'm grateful that you gave me this moment
to proselytize." (audience laughs)
The word "proselytize" has never been said
on this stage before.
Vegetarians.
"Vegetarians", "brick", "heroin",
"theater club", and "cast-iron skillet".
This is a freestyle rap
(audience cheers) on all those things.
I'm so glad to be here
with one of the most talented bands
in all of the planet world.
So, do you wanna drop a beat and we'll-
we'll rap over whatever you come up with.
(funky rap beat)
Okay.
I love Red's face when he plays piano.
It's my favorite thing in the world, right?
(audience cheers)
So. Which one do you want us to start with?
- [Audience member] Brick.
- Brick?
(audience laughs)
♪ This is how we do it ♪
♪ Pick it out, so sick ♪
♪ Let me flow like this ♪
♪ Shouting out "Chris brick", ♪
♪ Please, it's right there, I'm in fraud ♪
♪ I had my eyes fixed and I saw that wall ♪
♪ Like, what am I gonna pick? ♪
♪ B-R-I-C, add a little K ♪
♪ Come in ever so easy ♪
♪ They're amazing, like, wow, ♪
♪ Without no bricks he would have no house ♪
♪ Heaven sent, much better than cement ♪
♪ I ought to play down to the mortar it went ♪
♪ You've gotta get the little trowel, put it up ♪
♪ Use a hard, carry them round ♪
♪ I'm a bricklayer ♪
♪ I'm a guy with the hot bod ♪
♪ Move them all around, yes ♪
♪ Oh, I really thank God ♪
♪ Walk around with my brick there in transport ♪
♪ Bricks of cocaine and heroin ♪
♪ Where from? ♪ (audience cheers)
♪ South America, Afghanistan with the poppy ♪
♪ I'll be telling you ♪
♪ I've got my morphine, that's the purest one ♪
♪ But heroin, shoot that thing into my arm ♪
♪ I felt like I removed my belt, put it outside ♪
♪ I tighten it myself and then I sink in the floor ♪
♪ Yes, I'm dropping ♪
♪ If you seen that scene in "Trainspotting" ♪
♪ A dead baby crawling on the ceiling ♪
♪ Had heroin once, had that feeling ♪
♪ That I was outside ♪
♪ Oh my gosh, it feels like I want to be sick ♪
♪ On that horse, on that horse ♪
♪ Heroin in my arm ♪
♪ If you don't do it then the third time's the charm ♪
♪ Put it in, give your veins a rub ♪
♪ And then go and do soliloquies at theater club ♪
(audience cheers) ♪ You can read Shakespeare, ♪
♪ Read Marlowe, ♪
♪ Read some Beckett and everyone hangs low, like, ♪
♪ You're incredible with your monologue ♪
♪ I'm doing this with the heroin in my bod ♪
♪ I feel very slim like heroin chic ♪
♪ Do my theater club, they applaud when I speak ♪
♪ I'm on stage, everybody, not movies ♪
♪ Theater! Why? 'Cause my parents are bougie ♪
♪ I've got a lot of cash, got a lot of money ♪
♪ Do theater club, one day I'll be funny ♪
♪ You didn't do the club, just a theater class ♪
♪ You looked at the theater club kids like, "Kiss my ass!" ♪
♪ My parents aren't rich as you, ♪
♪ Maybe that's the thing I could switch into, ♪
♪ Infiltrating from the inside, ♪
♪ Once you're in there, all the kids are quite snide ♪
♪ They're really mean, the theater kids on stage ♪
♪ Like, humph, you're not good, ♪
♪ Step away from the page of the scripts ♪
♪ They wouldn't even spit on you, ♪
♪ It's kind of mean that they pick this, mean to do ♪
♪ The next thing, I'm in the kitchen, I'll kill it ♪
♪ Fry it up, cook it with the cast-iron skillet ♪
(audience cheers) ♪ The most important thing ♪
♪ I'll say here today, ♪
♪ You don't need to make sure that it's glazed, ♪
♪ Just the top reason, make sure that it's seasoned ♪
♪ Put it on for five minutes with it heating ♪
♪ It starts burning, does the job ♪
♪ Any Asian people, you'd call it a wok ♪
♪ But a cast-iron skillet ♪
♪ Like it's in the Hamptons, ♪
♪ Martha's Vineyard, it's fucking champion, napkin, ♪
♪ Cook it up on the grill, ♪
♪ Put a little bit of steak on there, not chilled, ♪
♪ Make sure that it's room temperature, otherwise it burns ♪
♪ If you're all chefs, then you'll motherfucking learn ♪
♪ I'd be spitting these facts that I learned from the bear ♪
♪ On FX in Chi-Town, fucking take care. ♪
♪ Cast-iron skillet, never use the washing-up liquid ♪
♪ Really cooking, I'm addicted to this ♪
♪ You could scrub it, not with the wire wool ♪
♪ Get it off, then you know you get an earful ♪
♪ From any head chef, like "Oui, oui", ♪
♪ Get my cast-iron skillet coming easy ♪
♪ Now the last one, remind me, had too many drinks ♪
♪ We had a fifth one as well, shout it out and I think- ♪
- [Audience] Vegetarians! - ♪ Of course, ♪
♪ how could we even forget, ♪
♪ I talked about the steak, made the meat eaters wet ♪
♪ But the vegetarians and the vegans, they'll say, ♪
♪ "We don't like him for one weird reason" ♪
♪ Animal products, that's really mean ♪
♪ You could eat lima beans for protein ♪
♪ Maybe get some lentils, maybe get some tofu ♪
♪ Vegetarians, who the fuck chose you? ♪
♪ You think you're really cool eating all the plants ♪
♪ But actually, even the vegetarians' plants looking scant ♪
♪ All those sanctimonious pricks, all the vegans out there ♪
♪ They'd be picking up their lips, like, ♪
♪ "I can't believe he wouldn't get my vote ♪
♪ He should only eat milk made from almond or oat" ♪
♪ Even soya, even though we should avoid ♪
♪ All the vegans, do you find you are employed? ♪
♪ And let me say this, it makes no sense, ♪
♪ Plant alternative milks are an extra 25 cents! ♪
♪ Why the fuck would I pay for it? ♪
♪ Take it off these, ♪
♪ I want the cow milk in my coffee properly ♪
♪ Vegetarians, yeah, fucking believe ♪
♪ If you like plants so much, you should leave ♪
♪ That's a plant pun back there, can't be beat ♪
♪ Vegetarians, I don't like sheep or meat ♪
♪ Any cow? There we go, it's how we talk ♪
♪ Yeah, faking, bacon, eating that pork! ♪
(audience cheers)