Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU SPENT "YOUR" WEEKEND, BUT I SPENT IT
WATCHING "THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER" ON A LOOP.
I'VE EVEN BEEN WORKING ON M RUSSIAN ACCENT:
( SCOTTISH ACCENT ) "A WEE DAS VEDANYA TO YA,
LASSIE."
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, THE COLD WAR IS BACK IN A BIG WAY, AND THE
WHOLE WORLD HAS BEEN GRIPPED BY THE MOVING IMAGES COMING OUT
OF UKRAINE.
WE'VE SEEN SCENES OF HEARTBREAK AND HEROISM.
DESPERATE REFUGEES STREAMING OVER THE POLISH BORDER, FAMILIES
TAKING SHELTER FROM THE BOMBS IN SUBWAY STATIONS, MEN TRIED TO
STOP TANKS WITH THEIR BARE HANDS.
WE KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR WEEKS, BUT THERE'S A
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWING IT'S COMING AND WATCHING IT HAPPEN.
RUSSIA'S INVASION OF UKRAINE IS A HUMANITARIAN CRISIS, BUT IT IS
ALSO A TRIUMPH OF HUMANITY, BECAUSE DESPITE ALL OF RUSSIA'S
MILITARY PROWESS, THE ORDINARY PEOPLE OF UKRAINE WILL NOT BACK
DOWN, AND THE WAR IN UKRAINE ISN'T WORKING OUT THE WAY
RUSSIA INTENDED.
TAKE THAT, PUTIN! ACTUALLY, STOP TAKING ANYTHING, AND GO HOME.
RUSSIA'S FAILINGS ARE NOT JUST SURPRISING, THEY'RE ALSO
EMBARRASSING.
>> Stephen: WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
THEY RAN OUT OF GAS THE SAME TIME UKRAINIANS RAN OUT OF
( BLEEP )S.
ONE OF THE MOST MOVING MOMENTS OF DEFIANCE HAPPENED WHEN
SOLDIERS REFUSED TO SURRENDER AT A PLACE CALLED
SNAKE ISLAND.
WHICH IS, I THINK, WHERE MORTAL KOMBAT TAKES PLACE.
THE NOW-VIRAL AUDIO CLIP CAPTURES THE MOMENT WHEN 13
UKRAINIAN SOLDIERS WERE ASKED TO SURRENDER BY THE
RUSSIAN NAVY: [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: COURAGEOUS DEFIANCE
BY PATRIOTS WILLING TO LAY DOWN THEIR LIVES.
REMINDS ME OF PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS WORDS,
"GIVE ME LIBERTY OR EAT MY ASS."
IT'S BELIEVED THAT THEY'RE STILL ALIVE THESE SAILORS AND ASKING
TO BE PLAYED BY VIN DIESEL AND THE ROCK.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY PUTTING UP A FIGHT.
SEVERAL CLIPS OF ORDINARY UKRAINIANS IN ACTION HAVE GONE
VIRAL, LIKE THIS ONE OF A MAN MOVING A LAND MINE TO ALLOW
UKRAINIAN FORCES TO PASS.
THAT IS SO DANGEROUS.
DOESN'T HE KNOW THAT SMOKING CAN KILL.
HE'S CARRYING THAT LANDMINE SO GINGERLY!
I BELIEVE THAT'S THE "UNCLE HOLDING A BABY THAT JUST POOPED"
TECHNIQUE.
( AS UNCLE ) "OOP!
SOMEBODY DROPPED A BOOM BOOM.
SUSAN, YOU TAKE HIM.
I'M NOT DONE WITH MY SMOKE."
SOME UKRAINIANS ARE RETURNING HOME FROM OTHER COUNTRIES TO
FIGHT, LIKE THIS GUY.
>> ( TRANSLATED ) MY BROTHER WILL STAY WITH MY MOTHER.
MY GRANDMOTHER AND I WILL GO TO WAR WITH MY FATHER.
>> Stephen: DAMN, EVEN UKRAINE'S GRANDMAS ARE FIGHTING FOR THEIR
FREEDOM.
WHICH MEANS RUSSIAN TROOPS WON'T JUST BE DEFEATED BY GUNS, BUT BY
ONE VERY LONG STORY.
(OLD UKRAINIAN WOMAN) "AND THEN I MET HIS GRANDFATHER
BACK IN 1942.
...OR WAS IT '43?
NO NO, MY DAD HAD JUST BOUGHT THE BUICK, SO IT WAS PROBABLY
'42.
NO...OH LOOK, THEY'RE ALL ASLEEP.
KILL THEM."
(APPLAUSE) UKRAINE'S CIVILIANS ARE HELPING
IN A DIFFERENT WAY AFTER THE UKRAINIAN DEFENSE MINISTRY
TWEETED TO "MAKE MOLOTOV COCKTAILS AND TAKE
DOWN THE OCCUPIER," WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DO
SO.
THAT'S GREAT, BUT DID THEY REALLY NEED INSTRUCTIONS ON
MAKING MOLOTOV COCKTAILS?
IT'S A PRETTY SIMPLE RECIPE: BOTTLE,
KEROSENE, RAG,
EXPLODE TO TASTE.
UKRAINIANS ARE ALSO FIGHTING BACK IN NONVIOLENT WAYS.
LIKE ONE ROAD COMPANY WHICH IS REMOVING ROAD SIGNS TO CONFUSE
RUSSIANS.
THE COMPANY ALSO POSTED IT'S ALREADY CONFUSING ENOUGH
THAT IT IS IN KILL MOTORS.
THE COMPANY ALSO POSTED AN EDITED PHOTO OF A ROAD SIGN
WHERE THE DIRECTIONS HAD BEEN REPLACED WITH PHRASES THAT
TRANSLATE AS "GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF",
"GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF AGAIN," AND
"GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF BACK IN RUSSIA".
(APPLAUSE) THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WAS MODELED ON
THE "WELCOME TO QUEENS" SIGN.
POLITICIANS ARE ALSO STEPPING UP.
HERE'S FORMER UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT PETRO POROSHENKO BEING
INTERVIEWED WITH HIS FRIENDS:
>> CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU AND THE GROUP YOU'RE WITH RIGHT NOW
THERE ARE ARMED WITH AND WHAT YOUR INTENTION IS IF THE
RUSSIANS ROLL IN IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS?
>> AH, THIS IS VERY EASY.
JUST MY ASSISTANCE HERE.
THIS IS THE SHOT KALASHNIKOV.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A BADASS FORMER PRESIDENT.
I'D LIKE TO SEE JIMMY CARTER BUILD A HOUSE WITH A BAZOOKA.
BUT PERHAPS THE GREATEST SYMBOL OF THEIR INDOMITABLE RESISTANCE
IS, CURRENT UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT AND GUY WHO APPARENTLY UNLOCKS
HIS PHONE WITH HIS FIST, VOLODOMYR ZELENSKY.
WHEN THE INVASION STARTED, SOME PREDICTED THAT ZELENSKY WOULD
FLEE THE COUNTRY.
BUT HE'S DONE THE EXACT OPPOSITE.
NOT ONLY HAS HE STAYED, HE'S BECOME A NATIONAL HERO BY
FIGHTING ALONGSIDE HIS FELLOW UKRAINIANS.
IN FACT, ON SATURDAY, ZELENSKY REPORTEDLY TURNED DOWN AN OFFER
FROM THE UNITED STATES TO EVACUATE HIM, SAYING:
"I NEED AMMUNITION, NOT A RIDE."
WOI, WOW!
I MEAN-- .
>> Jon: HE WOWED IT IS EVERYONE IN UKRAINE BADASS?
EXPLAINS WHY THIS IS THEIR NATIONAL ANTHEM:
>> S "MOVE BITCH, S GET OUT THE WAY,
S GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH, S GET OUT THE WAY"
>> Stephen: EVEN THOUGH HE STAYED, THERE WERE RUMORS
SPREAD BY RUSSIA THAT ZELENSKY HAD ABANDONED KYIV IN SECRET.
SO IN RESPONSE, HE POSTED THIS VIDEO TO SAY "NYET-UH."
>> ( TRANSLATED ) GOOD EVENING.
GOOD DAY.
THE PRIME MINISTER, SHMYHAL IS HERE.
THE PARTY LEADER IS HERE.
THE HEAD OF THE PRESIDENT'S ADMINISTRATION IS HERE AND
OBVIOUSLY THE PRESIDENT IS HERE.
ALL OF US ARE HERE.
OUR MILITARY ARE HERE, OUR CIVIL SERVANTS ARE HERE DEFENDING OUR
INDEPENDENCE AND OUR STATE AND WE MEAN TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.
GLORY TO UR ALLIES.
GLORY TO UKRAINE.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
HE'S NOT ABANDONING SHIP.
>> Stephen: HE'S STAYING!
HE'S LIKE THE CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC, IF THE TITANIC SPENT
FIVE DAYS SUCCESSFULLY BEATING THE ICEBERG.
THIS BRAVERY IS ESPECIALLY SURPRISING BECAUSE BEFORE HE WAS
A POLITICIAN, ZELENSKY WAS ONE OF UKRAINE'S MOST POPULAR TV
COMEDIANS.
YOUR MOVE, MRS. MAISEL.
LET'S SEE HOW MARVELOUS YOU REALLY ARE.
AND BACK IN 2006, ZELENSKY ALSO WON THE UKRAINIAN VERSION OF
DANCING WITH THE STARS.
CHECK OUT HIS MOVES: ♪ DON'T YOU STAND ON MY BLUE SU
ERCK DE SHOES.
♪ ♪
OKAY, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE RULES OF SOCCER.
ZELENSKY'S BRAVERY IS IN THE FACE OF MORTAL DANGER.
BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND, THE KREMLIN ORDERED 400 RUSSIAN
MERCENARIES INTO KYIV TO HUNT AND KILL UKRAINE'S PRESIDENT.
OF COURSE!
ZELENSKY IS EVERYTHING PUTIN ISN'T.
HE'S YOUNG, HE'S TOUGH, HE'S LOVED AND ADMIRED BY HIS PEOPLE,
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, UNLIKE PUTIN, HE LOOKS GOOD WITH HIS
SHIRT OFF.
NO WONDER HE NEEDS AMMO, LOOK AT THOSE GUNS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS BOB
ODENKIRK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE STANDING RIGHT HERE WITH MORE
MONOLOGUE ABOUT THE SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA.
STICK AROUND.