A LOTTA YOU GUYS TONIGHT THINK THIS IS YOUR ONLY STOP.
BUT IT'S THE WOMEN.
THEY ALWAYS WANT DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERE.
THEY'RE INTO ATMOSPHERE, RIGHT?
THEY'LL LEAVE HERE TONIGHT. YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN' HOME.
YOU'RE GONNA WALK OUT THAT EXIT. SHE'S GONNA TURN TO YOU LIKE,
"WHERE ARE WE GOIN' NOW?" WHAT-- WE JUST DID IT.
THE COMEDY CENTRAL, THE FUN, WHAT THE--
[LAUGHTER]
SO SHE WANTS TO DANCE NOW, NOW THE DANCING.
NOW, SHE'S IN HER 20s. I'M IN MY 30s.
WOMEN IN THEIR 20s DANCE A LOT DIFFERENT THAN MEN IN THEIR 30s.
RIGHT? THERE'S A LOTTA BENDING.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT IT'S THAT FIRST DATE, RIGHT GUYS?
WE COULD DO ANYTHING ON THE FIRST DATE.
SHE LIKE, "DO YOU DANCE?" 'COURSE I DANCE, LET'S DO THIS.
SO, SHE GETS OUT TO THE DANCE FLOOR.
RIGHT AWAY, SHE STARTS PULLIN' THIS MOVE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEN SHE PULLED A HEAD WHIP.
[LAUGHTER, CATCALLS & APPLAUSE]
I'M LIKE WOW, I LIKE THIS. I WANNA PARTICIPATE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD GET DOWN THAT FAR.
BUT I'M ALREADY OUT THERE. SO I'M LIKE, ARIGHT, LET'S GO.
- LET'S-- LET'S DO THIS. - [LAUGHTER]
- THEN MY LEGS START BURNING. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, SUMPIN' POPPED.
[POOF] OH, MY GOD. DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
A LIGAMENT, A MUSCLE, SUMPIN' FELL OUT.
- AND I COULDN'T GET BACK UP. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND THEN WE GO, YOU KNOW, WE START DOIN' STUFF, RIGHT,
GOIN' ON VACATIONS TOGETHER, GO TO VEGAS.
YOU THINK YOU'RE IN A GREAT RELATIONSHIP?
GO TO VEGAS. TEST IT OUT IN THAT TOWN.
SUMPIN' ABOUT VEGAS BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE.
WENT TO VEGAS. SHE WAS ARGUING WITH ME RIGHT FROM THE GET-GO.
WENT TO GO GRAB HER HAND IN THE CASINO.
I GAVE HER A LITTLE STATIC ELECTRICITY.
SHE'S LIKE-- "PICK YOUR FEET UP."
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, FLOAT?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WE WENT TO THE LOUNGE, RIGHT, I JUST GRAZED HER BUTT,
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE [Whistles] WE'RE DATIN' TYPE OF THING,
AND AGAIN, "DON'T TOUCH MY ASS WHILE WE'RE OUT IN PUBLIC."
YOU WERE [BLEEP] MY NUTS THE FIRST NIGHT WE MET.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
YOU [BLEEP] NUTS? YOU [BLEEP] NUTS?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, RIGHT? TEXT MESSAGING STARTS, RIGHT?
I HAD NO IDEA I HAD TEXT MESSAGING.
GET IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR GIRL,
YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT TEXT MESSAGING IS ALL ABOUT.
WE HAD AN ARGUMENT. I LEFT.
A LITTLE ENVELOPE CAME UP ON MY SCREEN.
- I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS THIS?" - [LAUGHTER]
IT WAS A MESSAGE FROM HER. I READ IT. IT'S LIKE,
- "WHY HAVE YOU CHANGED?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS RULES TO TEXT MESSAGING.
I CALLED HER BACK. I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S GOIN' ON?"
SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
WE'RE NOT READY FOR THIS. HANG UP AND TEXT ME BACK."
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S NUTS. I'M NOT GOOD. I'M NOT GOOD WITH THE THUMB.
THERE'S A THING ON HERE THAT WILL HELP YOU, THOUGH.
IT'S CALLED T-9 WORD, RIGHT?
THIS WILL ACTUALLY GUESS WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
DON'T USE THIS DRUNK. DON'T COME HOME HORNY, DRUNK,
YOU WANNA TEXT YOUR GIRL A SEXY MESSAGE.
LOOK WHAT YOU'RE TYPING BEFORE YOU SEND IT.
I DIDN'T LOOK. I JUST SENT IT OFF.
SHE CALLED ME RIGHT BACK. SHE'S LIKE,
"UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANNA KICK MY PUPPY?"
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]