Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette!
In today's video, we talk about nine ways on how to earn respect without being a jerk.
We can all be jerks sometime, however, if you truly want to earn respect, this can't
be a permanent state and you have to change.
So first of all, what is respect?
Respect is a feeling of deep admiration elicited by someone's qualities behavior, actions,
or achievements.
Basically, it's something we all want from other people but it's not something you can
easily demand.
In fact, openly trying to command respect from others can be interpreted of being insecure
and that in turn will earn you even less respect.
Respect is rarely sitted overtly but it manifests itself by how people treat you, respond to
you, and look at you.
So before we discuss the nine ways to earn respect, let's quickly touch on the points
on what it means to be a jerk so you can avoid those things.
A typical jerk can't handle any kind of criticism and typically, they care more about winning
an argument than anything else.
Typically, they only talk about themselves and they're willing to dismiss others, their
feelings, or their needs in order to get what they want.
Jerks often deliberately use insults and name-calling to keep other people down and they often believe
that they're at the position in life just because of their own merit and they never
had any kind of help.
Most jerks often think they're the victim or they were blamed by others and they have
to stand up for themselves and they also assume that life, in general, is a zero-sum game
and they just want to come out ahead no matter the cost.
While some jerks may be successful in achieving what they want in the short term, in the long
term, they will always lose any kind of respect so here's what to do instead.
Let's talk about the nine ways on how to earn respect without being a jerk.
One, an easy way to earn respect is by not walking away from conflicts but accepting
it at what it is and doing so in a graceful manner.
So what does it mean?
You speak up when it's necessary, either for yourself or even more so for others.
If you think something is wrong, say something, don't just shut up.
For example, if you see someone in your family, see someone else treated badly, or they just
sit at the table while everyone else is cleaning up, stand up and call it out.
Two, be immune to peer pressure.
I know it's always easy to fit in and speaking up can be hard but often, in a group, there
is a certain dynamic that makes you do things that you will later regret.
Most of the time, people don't look up to Joe average, instead, they respect leaders
that swim against the stream and maybe say something that could be interpreted as unpopular
at the moment but in line with their beliefs and value system.
So that means you have to be your own person and consider yourself as the decision-maker
in your life and not as someone who is controlled by others or mainstream movements and you
just have to tag along.
A great example would be drinking.
If you don't want to drink anymore or you feel like when you drink alcohol it doesn't
bring out the best in you, simply and politely decline to drink and you're just fine.
Feeling like you have to drink because others are nagging you about it is not a way to earn
respect.
Instead, if you stand your ground and you do so politely, people will eventually respect
it.
Three, to earn respect, you have to embrace criticism.
I know, even the most confident people sometimes struggle with criticism especially when they've
worked really hard on something and put everything they had into it.
Criticism can hurt especially if it's voiced in an absolute way and no other positives
are mentioned, however, if you shift your mindset from criticism being a form to putting
you down to criticism being a tool to making you better, things all of a sudden change.
In my experience, failure and criticisms are key components to growth, not only in your
business but also on a personal level.
Most people don't try to be jerks intentionally and they do something that annoys others.
If they know about it, they can change the behavior, learn from it, and grow from it.
It may hurt in a moment but it will make them a better person down the line.
For example, when I first met my wife, I would often interrupt her and talk over her and
I didn't realize I was doing it because I grew up in a family where it was normal to
just talk over other people.
Now, when my wife told me that she felt hurt and diminished by that, I actively tried to
change that behavior and now it's very natural for me to let her speak and let her be her
which makes her happy and me happy at the same time.
I would have never gotten to that point without her criticism.
Four, accept that you can't be liked by everybody.
Now, yes, we all want to be liked and to be liked, you have to be likeable in the first
place and you can learn more about that in our video here.
However, at the end of day, we all have our value system and if you stand up to those
values, there will inevitably be people that you disappoint and that is okay and you have
to be okay with that.
Five, to earn respect, you have to know the subtle difference between being assertive
and being aggressive and you have to act accordingly.
Being assertive means that you're not a pushover when people try to talk you into something,
you think about it and you speak your mind, you bring arguments, pros, and cons, why you
make your decision in a certain way and you leave it at that.
Being aggressive means you raise your voice, you maybe use physical intimidation, or try
to simply put others down with your presence.
I know there is a big difference between saying "you are an ****" and the way you treat this
person makes you look like an *****. In the first instance, you just use a strong word
and an insult that is all negative and people will see it and always take it personally
even if it's justified.
In the second case, you talk about actions or behaviors other people displayed and you
just analyze it and you use a strong word to make your point.
The problem is when people hear an insult oftentimes, they don't analyze how you said
it or what you meant or what your motives were, all they hear is "I'm an ass and the
other person is attacking me" and that means they shut down.
Personally, I experienced it once.
I did a video about 19 things men shouldn't wear and I said certain things like "they
make you look like a peasant or a douchebag" I said, they make you look like one, I didn't
say you are one, nevertheless, people interpret it that way and I learned to rather not use
strong words so people don't feel offended.
Six, to earn respect you should give up trying to be right all the time.
I know it feels good to be right which is one of the reasons I probably went to law
school because most lawyers want to be right, however, if you just try to be right to win
an argument, it will damage your relationships long term because people don't want to be
around you, they don't want to discuss things with you because they think that you're never
open to constructive criticism and arguments and you will never change your mind anyways.
If you argue, ask yourself, why am i arguing?
Do I just wanna win the argument or is there a deeper thing behind it that I want to achieve?
Also, keep in mind that we all think of ourselves more highly than of others.
In surveys, people always think they are smarter than others or that they have better motivations
than others, that they're more careful than others, this is called the blame bias and
just knowing that we automatically assume other people are less smart than we are or
that they made a mistake just means that you're often judging them in a way that is not fair.
So, if you want to earn respect, rather than just blaming others or assuming that others
are stupid, think about what you may have done that is not super obvious that may have
contributed to the negative outcome.
For example, if Preston does something that I disagree with, chances are, it's not because
he's a *** employee but because I didn't instruct him well and teach him well.
Which brings us to point number seven, your mind is open and you're willing to change
your opinion based on facts that are presented to you.
Jerks, in particular, are often very stubborn and unable to accept different opinions or
facts and they always want to argue in a way and just be right.
By falling into this trap, you deny yourself any ability to grow and to get better.
Also, other people will notice that they will look at you as a person who is stuck in their
ways, who is never going to change, and they will not try to use you to promote something
in a company that needs adaptive performance, change, or innovation.
Eight, to earn respect, you really have to show your vulnerabilities.
At first, it may seem counterintuitive because you think "oh if I'm perceived as a strong
leader, people respect me more", however, if you are a strong leader and you're very
confident and secure with who you are, you have no problems with sharing your struggles
along the way because that will give people a path and perspective showing them that you
struggled but you nevertheless succeeded and it makes them be more hopeful about their
own lives.
At the same time, they will have something going on in their lives right now that bothers
them and if they can see that you also have something that bothers you, they don't feel
alone and they feel more normal which in turn, enables them to become better.
Always keep in mind everyone has problems but by being the leader and sharing your own
vulnerabilities and putting yourself in a light that is not super favorable, you become
more human and people will respect you more.
Also, it can be a way to be really funny without hurting anyone else and people will look at
you and respect you more for it.
Last but not least, one good way to earn respect is to analyze your problems and to act on
them.
If you are unhappy with your relationship, don't just complain about
it, talk to your partner about it, maybe go to relationship counseling and also look at
yourself and how you can change to achieve what you really want.
So in a nutshell, take control.
Don't blame others and don't waste your lifetime.
if you follow these nine techniques and you speak like a gentleman and you can learn more
about those things in this video here.
I truly believe you will earn more and more respect at your workplace in your neighborhood
or in your community and wherever you are where you are in contact with people.
People will look up to you and when you're in a situation where you need something, people
will be much more willing to help you than if you've always been a jerk because then
you're on your own.
in today's video I am wearing a tweed jacket which is a Donegal tweed with colorful knobs
in blue and red on a gray background I'm pairing it with a striped red and white shirt an English
madder silk tie in blue with red tones from Fort Belvedere which you can find in our shop
just like my wool silk pocket square the reddish color tone in a pocket square picks the color
of the shirt as well as my doe skin vest which has gold buttons and I pick up that color
and have it in my accent ring finger as well as my cufflinks these are a classic monkey-fist
knot cufflinks which you can find in our shop here my trousers are navy blue and they contrast
the burgundy color of the waistcoat as well as a jacket my socks are shadow striped and
over the calf in a light blue and gray they pick up the color of the jacket thus creating
a harmony in the outfit at the same time providing some contrast between my burgundy red shoes
and the navy pants overall the burgundy red tones in my shoe in my pocket square in my
shirt and in my vest tied a whole outfit together and make it harmonious yet with a contrasting
accent