Hi, I'm Jamie Foxx.
And I'm David Alan Grier.
It is time for "Ask a Comedian."
So ask me anything, baby.
Anything.
All right, these are actually real questions
that you guys thought we might be equipped
to answer as comedians.
Back in the day.
But now, I just get–
I have to get gift baskets for all the jokes
I'm about to tell about people.
I ask for, or grab, a fresh beer.
- Wow. - I take one or two sips
and walk out on stage.
I don't drink the beer when I perform.
I take it off
at the end of the performance.
And by then it's warm
and I throw it away.
But that's what I do every performance.
I used to fill up my tub with bathwater,
take a bath in it, leave the water in the tub,
go do my performance, come back,
and then let the water out.
And every time I got a standing ovation.
One time I'm performing,
I didn't get a standing ovation.
I said, “What happened?”
I get back to my hotel,
the cleaning people had let the water out my tub.
Wow.
Now, that's a ritual for your ass.
I can answer that, Jamie,
'cause I never played basketball.
I auditioned for
White Men Can't Jump,
and that day,
this Black man could not jump.
I scored a basket for the wrong team.
It was horrible.
I don't use no fake names.
I'm tryin' to get some juice.
I say, "This is David Alan Grier."
“What, what?”
And if they don't know who I am,
then it's downhill from there.
Years ago, I was real nervous before a performance,
and this when I was in acting school.
I remember this older actor.
He said, "What are you scared about?
All these people
made an appointment
to come to this theater.
They paid money to see you.
So if they did all that, they're primed to like you."
- Yeah. - “I can see
if you stopped strangers on the street,
if you made people sit down,
if you forced people
into this theater,
but they're ready, they're waiting on you."
And so those words are words that I say to myself.
The Star Spangled Banner plagues me.
The first time, I'm singing at the Houston Rockets Stadium,
and it's the playoffs,
and I forget the words.
In my mind it be like, "Access denied.
Access denied."
And I repeat 'what so proudly we held' twice,
and all of the white people in the stadium,
'cause you know, they're lookin' at the flag,
they just go,
"Well, if he doesn't know the song, what's he doin'?"
Right?
But here's the thing about our culture.
I'm sittin' on the bench after,
and I'm feelin' so embarrassed.
Brother walks all the way across the court, you know,
with his food and said, "Hey J, man, I love it, man.
The way you remixed that thing, baby.
That's what I'm talkin' about, baby."
Bombing is like,
- an hour's worth of material - Yeah, yeah.
goes in two minutes.
Oh, my God, David.
Oh, excruciating.
You just see stars in front of your eyes.
It's like an echo.
For whatever reason,
whenever I decide to host the BET Awards...
First time, Michael Jackson passed away.
And then we still had to go on,
and people were like, "What is this?"
And then the last time, I just missed it.
My joke that was supposed to hit,
I told that early and nothin' happens.
Now it's live TV.
I was like, "All right, all right."
And you know how that, that sweat, pss.
And then this part right here, pss.
Snoop was lookin' right at me.
Oh God, oh God.
The worst.
We did a theater-in-the-round on New Year's Eve,
and I was closing the show.
And at one point, this dude heckled me.
He said, "Take off that corny-ass shirt."
And I said, "What'd you say, man?"
And it's like, the dude ran all the way down
from the balcony.
He went, "I said, take off that corny-ass shirt."
And I said, "That's what I thought you said."
It was horrible.
- Oh my. - I got in the limo
at the end of the performance,
and the limo driver said,
"Uh, that's all right, little brother, I like you."
It was terrible.
Oh, God, it was horrible.
We want you to go and watch our new show,
Dad Stop Embarrassing Me,
immediately on Netflix.