Rather than just worry about it, let's get down to nuts and bolts about what
are the effects of bad parenting. And can it be fixed?
As a psychologist, honestly, I
have some opinions about this. And I have seen some of the effects of bad
parenting. Having said that, before I get into the
top 5, it's a relief to know that most of these things can be fixed. Especially if
we jump on it quickly and early. The first thing that came to my mind is one
of the effects of bad parenting is the endangerment of children. I'm thinking
about a video that we've probably all seen. Home Alone --where the parents
somehow forgot and left their child home. Starring Macaulay Culkin who at first
was a little tipped over but then started to enjoy himself. How dangerous
is it to leave children unattended? Especially younger children. Endangerment
is one of the issues we need to look out for and especially when it comes to
abuse. There is no excuse for the abuse of children. And that's not what this
particular video is about. But that's one of the main major effects of bad
parenting on our planet. Now, can it be fixed? Of course, we can. As we pay
attention to children's safety and our responsibility as adults to keep them
safe and to do whatever we can to ensure that our children are not endangered,
that may be one of the tenets of good parenting. And fortunately for all of us
who are imperfect parents, kids are very resilient. I remember when our kids were
little. And Vicki had a hard time attending our son's wrestling match for
example. Or going to the park when there grabbing onto those bunkie bars and
swinging across because of the danger, the potential danger that's entailed in
those activities. And yet, kids are so resilient and they can bounce back from
a lot of things. So, that's the encouraging part of this story.
The second major effect of bad parenting is that it teaches kids maladaptive
behaviors. Kids learn primarily by example. And you've probably heard the
saying that "I can't hear what you're saying because what you're doing is
shouting so loudly in my face." They're going to follow what we do not what we
say. And as we engage in poor practices as parents, it actually trains them and
teaches them to do the same thing. I'm remembering a scene from the movie 42.
It's a story about Jackie Robinson when he was up and coming in major league
baseball as the first black American player in Major League Baseball. And the
resistance that some of the communities were showing toward him. In fact one of
the scenes of the video shows some of the white spectators and fans in the
stadium standing up and yelling "Go home! Get out! You don't belong here!" And
this young boy is seated next to his father. And he looks up at his father
who was red-faced and yelling. And then he himself stands up and starts yelling
as well. This child had no problem with Jackie Robinson playing in that game. But
when he saw his father yelling and screaming, that taught him a maladaptive
behavior. Now, can it be fixed? Of course, it can. I would have no business being a
psychologist if I believed that people could not change. But they can. And you
can change too. Now, it's not easy because neural pathways get set.
Neural pathways are like our minds. Cruise control, autopilot. Things get
programmed in and then it's hard to change it but it's not impossible. Think
of it kind of like learning a new language. Could you learn a new language?
Well, yes, you could. When I was 19 years old, I learned a new language --Finnish.
It's the language that they speak in Finland if you weren't tracking that. I
am now fluent in Finnish. And it was not easy to learn that very difficult
language. It is possible. And what does it take? If you wanted to learn a new
language, what would you do? You would enroll in a course. You would hire a
coach. You would put in a lot of practice. *Ding! Ding, ding!* That's what you get to do.
Can we fix these negative patterns where we teach our children maladaptive
behaviors? Yes, we can. But what we've been programmed to do comes very naturally to
us so we're going to have to put in some work. Think of it just like learning a
language. And don't worry because we've got some support for you. I'll talk to
you more about that in a few minutes. The third major effect of bad parenting is
that it lengthens the learning curve. nd this is because there's a lot of
deceptions you might call them that happen. Yelling, for example. Yelling is
bad parenting. I'm sorry. I know. I do it too. And we all do, okay? But it's not good
parenting and we all know that. Well, why do we do it? Because it works. Think about
it. Your child is doing something you don't want them to do, you yell at them.
"Hey! Knock it off!" It gets their attention. "Huh!?" And it startles them. And the
behavior stops right now. The problem with yelling, it's a parent
trap. Because when you yell, it's actually... In behavioral psychology terms, it's a
reinforcer. A reinforcer makes it more likely that a behavior will occur again.
And that's not what we want to have happen. So, we have just lengthened the
problem if it's more likely that they'll do it again. You know, I heard this phrase
back in graduate school and I thought it was funny then. And it kind of still is.
But it's really kind of true. Bad breath is better than no breath at all. And kids
think this way when it comes to attention. You yell at them, you're giving
them attention. Immediate, intense attention. And that becomes a reinforcer
to them. So, we just lengthened the learning curve. That's the third problem
with bad parenting. Now, can it be fixed? Well, yes, it can. As we learn alternatives
to yelling that sometimes aren't don't get as quick of a response but they get
a more effective response because we are shaping the behavior now in ways that
are based on principle. That will give you a shorter learning curve. And even if
it doesn't get his immediate results, it gets quicker results in the long term.
One of the most popular videos right here on the channel. You can link to it
right up there if you want to. It's "How To Get Kids To Listen Without Yelling?" And
there's a reason why it's so popular. And maybe you've already seen the video. But
cue it up and watch it after this one. Major effect number 4, bad parenting
trains the next generation of parents to be bad parents. Have you ever wondered
why you do the goofy things that you do? Well, you were trained by somebody too.
And in my coaching groups, I hear this all the time. "Well, my parents did it this
way." Or "When I was a kid here's what I experienced?" That's all we have. We don't
know anything else. And so, we apply what we've been trained in programmed to do.
Well, what are our kids going to do? Same thing. They will do the same thing.
They're learning, their parenting skills from their parents. And not to create any
more pressure for you. Can this be fixed? Yes, it can.
I'm not going to share anything with today that can't be fixed. So, when we
apply the proper principles, we can get different outcomes. Remember that your
role as a parent, first of all, your job as a parent is to love them no matter
what and even if. Then your role as a mentor and a teacher is to show them a
better way to parent. And don't worry, we got your back on that too with some
training and groups and coaching that are available to you at
DrPaulJenkins.com.
I'll come back to that in just a sec. We got one more. One of the things
that troubles me the most is number 5. One of the effects of bad parenting is
that it takes away that confidence of the parent. I mean think about it, when
you do things that you know are bad parenting, your confidence goes out the
window. It's like, "Oh, I'm a bad parent." And then
you start to go into even more maladaptive patterns. It's a natural
response when we feel that way. So, please listen carefully. Can it be fixed? Yes, of
course it can. The first thing you need to know about this... And listen up because
I'm talking to you. You are a benevolent, generous ,loving parent. You might be
thinking "Well, Dr. Paul, you don't even know me. You don't know what I did. You
don't know.." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been a psychologist for 30 years. You can't
shock me. I've heard it. And yet, I'm telling you you are a benevolent,
generous, loving parent. Wrap your head around that because it's true. I know you
make mistakes. We all do. Welcome to earth. But for you to see yourself as a
benevolent, generous, loving parent that you are gives you a better starting
place to work on the improvements that you and I both know would be helpful.
That's the starting point. I think when parents lose their confidence because
they did something that's bad parenting, it gets in their head. It messes with
their psyche in ways that make it worse, not better. We got to take this on
together. And there's a lot of things that you can do.
You are a benevolent, generous, loving parent. Let's start from there and we can
make a whole lot of progress from that point. I'm not going to leave you hanging on
this. I have so many resources collected for you. Head on over to
DrPaul Jenkins.com
where you will find a community of conscious, loving, connected parents
just like you who are working on the stuff that they need to work on.
Let's join up on this together and do what we can to create a culture of
positive parenting. We've got your back.