Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I'm a professional psychologist and parenting expert
with three parenting secrets you were never told. You really need to know these.
Let's jump right into these three parenting secrets. The last one is actually not
just about parenting, you're going to see how it applies to everything else.
Here's the first secret that they never told us about parenting. Parenting is simple. Wait, hold on.
Did Dr. Paul just go crazy here? Simple and easy are not the same thing. Keep that in mind
as we talk about this. The simplicity of parenting gets back to two primary ideas. The first one has
to do with understanding your job. What's your job as a parent? Hey, if you've watched any other
videos on this channel you've probably heard me say this many times. Your job is to love them
no matter what and even if. How much simpler could it be? Your job is not to make sure that they
anything and we get sucked into that all the time as parents. We think it's our job to make sure that
they do their chores. Well, how's that going for you? That one's easier than making sure that they
speak respectfully. Because you have even less control over that about making sure that they
succeed in life. See, these are impossible tasks and we drive ourselves crazy as parents sometimes
thinking that it's our job to make sure that they anything the simple job that we have as a parent
is to love them no matter what and even if. That's crucial to understanding our role as a parent. The
other key idea that that lends to this parenting is simple has to do with understanding a simple
dynamic between control and maturity. As parents we're constantly sharing control with our children
and when they're little when they're first born they can't do anything for themselves.
So we have to do everything and we control their lives as they get a little older or more mature.
We start to back off on that control because they start to take more control over their life.
Understanding that the trade-off between control and maturity is what drives every decision that we
make about discipline and about relationship and about how much we need to intervene
versus giving them the freedom and the control to do it themselves. Understanding that dynamic
between control and maturity simple. So, we've got the two factors, understanding your job as
parent is to love them no matter what and even if and understanding the interplay between control
and maturity. In our parent coaching programs we have a full visual model that we can train you on
about that control and maturity so you can understand it. But for purposes of this video
just understand how important it is to understand that interchange. The second parenting secret that
they never really told us is that good parenting positive parenting benefits primarily the parent.
Wait, isn't parenting for kids? Yes and I'll argue all-day that good parenting is important to kids.
But the secret is that positive parenting benefits primarily the parent. Remember,
I am a professional psychologist. I've worked for my entire career assisting people with their personal,
professional and family development and I haven't found anything as powerful as parenting
for personal development. If this were a course we would have to charge lots
of money for people to enroll because it is very effective in helping people to improve
themselves. Positive parenting is primarily for the parent and it benefits the children as well.
That's kind of a strategic side effect. Think about it, you learn more about yourself in
parenting than you do about your kids. You have multiple repeated opportunities to practice
the traits and characteristics that you're trying to develop as a parent and it can be really
frustrating. I just want to throw you some hope. You're doing a good job. It takes a lot of practice
and as you develop the skill sets they don't come naturally at first and you go back to whatever you
were trained taught and educated to do. Programming is a powerful thing. We were all raised by our own
parents or people who did not give us a choice on what they were programming us to do or to think
or how to be in our relationships or in our life. Programming think about that for a minute. Like
language, I was programmed to speak English. I didn't choose to speak English, I was programmed
by people who didn't give me a choice and you were programmed with whatever your native language is.
Now, there's other languages you can choose those but they don't come naturally. That's why I wanted
to acknowledge that what you're doing is a skill set. It's a powerful personal development program
that you have enrolled in and maybe you didn't even want to. Sometimes we get signed up for things
that we didn't anticipate or that we didn't even really think we wanted. Parenting can be that way.
But here we are. So, use this opportunity for personal development. It's the most powerful
personal development program that I know of and positive parenting primarily benefits the parent.
Hey, before I give you this last point and since you're here take a moment to hit that subscribe
button and if you can think of someone else that would really appreciate knowing this information
share this video with them and now to the last secret. Remember I told you this is one that's
not just specifically for parenting it applies there but it applies to other aspects of life too.
Pain is inevitable. That may not be a secret to you maybe you've already figured this out.
If you're doing your job well. Remember I told you earlier your job as a parent is what
it's to love them no matter what and even if and I promise you if you do your job well
you will experience some pain. Because one of the hardest things on this planet is to love
someone and to see them hurting or to see them going in a direction that doesn't lead to their
happiness and their joy. As parents that's what we want for our children. Our job is to love them
no matter what and even if. As we do so we get to experience some pain because we don't control the
outcomes. I want you to be aware of that primarily because this is where I see parents bailing. This
is where I see parents backing off from their job. If they stop loving their children so much they
don't have to experience so much pain and this is why parents become very controlling too. You
don't want to see your kids hurting. You don't want to see your kids failing or having consequences
and so you jump in and you micromanage and you control the situation where you really shouldn't
or can't. That gets us into trouble all the time. I love the way Tim Hansell put this too in his book
you gotta keep dancing. Tim Hensel said it this way, "Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional." That
means that we have some choice in the matter for what we do with the conflicts and the difficulties
and the pain that we're going to experience as we watch our children go through difficulties
and trials. Those are the three secrets the parenting is simple that positive parenting
makes the most difference primarily for the parent and that pain is inevitable but misery is optional.
If you're new to this parenting thing. The next video you want to watch is the one that's queuing
up for you right now the five things every new parent needs to know. Join us over there on that
video where my wife Vicki and I are going to share some important secrets for new parents.