(Intro theme plays)
What do you think his last words were?
Probably "whoops," or "ouch."
The concept of "last words" is as silly as the rest of this.
Wait, are you trying to ruin funerals? This is how people grieve.
Yeah. Which is why it's so tragic that the American funeral industry needlessly exploits that grief for profit.
Case in point: the expensive and useless process of embalming which was popularized during the civil war.
After Lincoln was assassinated, the government paraded his corpse around the country
in order to showcase the hero's sacrifice.
But, that's not what the people took away from it.
Oh my gosh, Abe has been dead for weeks and he still looks fly as hell.
Honestly, anyone who is anyone gets pumped full of chemicals.
But for those of us whose bodies aren't going on tour, embalming is totally pointless.
Why would you need to be preserved right before they bury you in the dirt?
Isn't the whole point to decompose?
Excuse me. Embalming gives dignity to the deceased.
-Yes, it's respectful. -"Respectful?" What do you think embalming is?
It's like a spa day!
...for a dead body.
Exactly! Don't correct her.
Embalming is the least respectful thing you can do to a body.
First: the jaw is wired shut; the eyes are sealed with glue.
Then, the internal organs are punctured and drained through a hole in the abdomen.
After that, they pump the arteries full of formaldehyde
and stuff the internal cavities full of cotton.
Okay! Stop! Enough, enough, enough, enough!
I don't want to puke in front of a dead body.
Fair enough.
But the entire process is a pointless waste of time.
Because even though funeral directors tell their vulnerable, grieving customers:
Embalming is necessary if you want an open casket.
And:
It keeps the body safe and sanitary.
None of it is true.
Refrigeration is cheaper and just as effective as embalming
and the World Health Organization states that dead bodies pose nearly no health risks to the living.
It's completely safe to touch them. Here, watch!
(blubbering noises) Adam!
-That's weird. -Yeah, but it's still safe.
Which is ironic because formaldehyde isn't safe. It's a carcinogen.
Why do I still do this?
Just one reason: these guys charge a graveload of money to do it
Let's not talk about the body so much, let's talk about how beautiful this casket is.
Yeah, it better be beautiful. It's one of the most expensive things you'll ever buy.
Funeral homes can charge upwards of 10 grand for a coffin.
The lid is titanium-steel. It's lined with mink fur and it comes with free WiFi.
It's what pa-pop would've wanted.
Do you have any cheaper options?
Ahem! Well, for those who don't love their pa-pop, we do have this "My Loved One Deserved to Die" model.
You will need to decide quickly, the funeral is tomorrow.
Pa-pop would've wanted the WiFi.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hell, you might as well be burried with 10 thousand dollars in cash.
(Money! Money!)
Well, it's nice to support local businesses.
Actually, a lot of local funeral homes are owned by a megacorporation named SCI
that buys up mom-and-pop shops but keeps the old name so no one notices.
They really are a cash cow.
They can't make that much money.
Whelp, maybe you'll believe SCI treasurer Aaron Foley who told investors:
We really are a cash cow.
(It's all about the money!)
Because you didn't confront your mortality and decide how you'd want to be buried while you were still alive,
Murph will probably bankrupt himself getting you a regular funeral.
Ah, man!
In fact, because you didn't plan ahead, everything about your death will suck!
And I'll explain why right after this.
I know I'm literally dying, but you are the worst part of my day.
Hey! I'm Adam from College Humor.
If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Ruins Everything,
Tuesdays, at 10 pm, on truTV.
It's gonna ruin your Tuesday, but, trust me, the rest of your week'll be fine.