- So when I first got into self-improvement,
I had really bad social anxiety.
Talking to somebody I didn't know very well,
especially if they were a girl, was really difficult for me.
Even carrying on a basic human conversation was
something that I didn't really know how to do very well.
I'd always be stuck in my head thinking about
what I was gonna say next,
and worrying about whether they were impressed with me.
And I also didn't have very many friends.
People didn't really invite me anywhere.
So I started searching on Reddit for answers, you know,
kind of lurking through self-improvement subreddits
like I used to do quite a bit back in the day.
And there was a book recommendation that kept on coming up
in every single self-improvement subreddit that I looked at.
It seemed to be everyone's go-to book
they would recommend for people struggling
with social anxiety or struggling with being able
to maintain a basic conversation.
And that book was "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
by Dale Carnegie.
It came as kind of a shock to me because this book was
published in 1936.
In 2019, it's closer to the year 2100
than it is to when that book was published,
yet in 2011, TIME magazine ranked it
as the 19th most influential book in American history.
So it doesn't mess around.
So I was starting to get this vibe that it was
the bible of human communication,
and I gave it a read and it changed my life.
I'm not saying that this book was responsible
for everything good that ever happened in my life
or anything like that.
But what I do mean is that it changed my perspective.
And I learned some things from this book
that I have carried with me to this day,
I've never forgotten and they've completely transformed
the way I interact with people,
having conversations with pretty much anybody
is not an issue for me anymore,
and people actually invite me to stuff.
So I'm gonna go over some of the most impactful lessons
from the book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
and hopefully it helps you out as much as it helped me out.
Just to preface before I dive into these tips,
or these lessons or whatever you want to call them,
they are just tools.
All these things I'm about to say are just tools.
They're not absolute rules. They can be broken.
But that being said, they are very powerful tools
that I think work extremely well in most situations,
especially this first one that I'm about to dive into.
It's less of a tip or a tool,
it's more like a paradigm shift
that you can apply to pretty much your entire philosophy
when it comes to dealing with people.
And that is lesson one,
it's all about the other person.
It may come as no surprise to you
that everyone basically just thinks about themselves.
What they've got going on in their lives,
what they want to eat for dinner,
what are they stressing about,
what they want to do tomorrow,
the vacation they want to take next summer.
They're not really thinking about you at all.
You probably wouldn't be surprised
to find out that you primarily think about yourself as well.
And when you think about other people,
it's always in the context of you.
It's like, "Does this person like me?
Do they think I'm stupid because I said this thing?"
It's always about you.
Everyone else thinks that exact same way.
So in order to become better with people,
you have to realize this
and see things from other people's perspective.
People's favorite hobby and people's favorite topic,
and the one they're most comfortable talking about
is things to do with themselves.
So if you want to become a good conversationalist,
you have to become an investigator in people,
try to get them talking about
what's going on in their lives
and you will never run out of conversation,
which people sort of know,
but they don't practice it because they feel like
they're not getting anything out of the interaction,
you know, by entirely focusing on what the other person
has going on in their life, you know,
you're almost stepping on yourself and not allowing
your own personality to shine or something like that.
But I found kind of the opposite is true.
When you become genuinely interested in other people
and what they have going on in their life,
they're a lot more likely to return the favor.
A lot of people have been in a situation or a conversation
where somebody starts talking about their dreams
and their ambitions and their skills
and things they've done.
And then the other person just responds with their dreams
and their ambitions and the things that they want to do.
And they sort of just start, it's like a back and forth,
they're trying to one up each other,
and nobody really gets anything out of the conversation,
no one's really listening.
They're just focusing on basically,
you know what measuring.
But when you actually listen to the person
talk about their ambitions and their skills,
and you genuinely ask them pressing questions
about what their motivation was behind this,
what they think they got out of it, et cetera, et cetera,
and you actually practice being genuinely curious,
not only would that person really appreciate the fact
that you're actually asking genuine questions
and that you're listening,
they're way more likely to ask you genuine questions
about yourself.
And you can generate a pretty close friendship very quickly.
So next time you dive into a conversation with somebody new,
genuinely try to be an investigator in what is going on
in their life.
What is making them tick and try to get to know them
and actually listen.
Lesson number two, make them feel valued.
Now, before I dive into this tip,
I just want to say something.
A lot of people think that this book,
"How to Win Friends and Influence People",
and these tips that I'm giving,
and the tips that are available in the book,
that they're somehow manipulative.
I don't see that as true.
They're only manipulative
if you use them to manipulate somebody.
Giving somebody a genuine compliment,
or even if you make it a habit
to give someone a genuine compliment only does good.
Putting somebody in a good mood
by complimenting their appearance, a personality trait,
or something that you genuinely find good about them
often makes their day and they walk around
the office or town or whatever they're doing
with a kind of swagger in their step.
All because you complimented on something that you noticed
that you liked about them.
One of the greatest ways you can make people feel valued
is to use their name and use it liberally.
"Hey Joey, how's it going?"
"Oh, hey Joey." "Hey guys, look, it's Joey."
That makes me feel great when people use my name,
especially if they don't know me very well,
or if I just met them maybe one time
and they remembered my name, that makes my day,
like it makes me feel valued,
it makes me feel like they actually remembered
our conversation,
even though they probably didn't.
By using somebody's name,
it makes people feel like you have a connection,
just instantly.
The second way to make people feel valued
is to give genuine compliments.
Once you start practicing empathy and start practicing
seeing things from another person's perspective,
like the book is all about,
then you'll get really good at noticing things
that stand out from person to person.
And once you get in the habit of vocalizing those things,
you'll become somebody who people gravitate towards,
and people just really like being around.
Once you start to become an investigator in people,
you can really start to psychoanalyze people
and compliment them on their actual personality.
Complimenting someone's personality is often
way more powerful than just complimenting something
that's hanging off their body, a necklace,
or that sounded like, that's a weird,
telling somebody that they're "An extremely good listener
and I really appreciate it"
is a lot more powerful than saying,
"I like your shirt."
Before our final tip,
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Okay guys, so take a look at this scene from
"The Great Gatsby."
I didn't even really like this movie very much,
but this is one scene that I remember as clear as day,
and I watched this like three years ago.
This is the scene where Spider Man meets Leonardo DiCaprio.
I forget the characters' names.
Look at the way this interaction goes.
- You see...
I'm Gatsby.
- Oh, you're...
(grand music)
His smile was one of those rare smiles
that you may come across four or five times in life.
It seemed to understand you and believe in you,
just as you would like to be understood and believed in.
- Sorry, old sport, I thought you knew.
- Please just, I don't know what to say. Please forgive me.
- It's quite all right.
- [Nick] I've had so much to drink.
- Mr. Gatsby, sir, Chicago (indistinct).
- I'll be just a minute.
I'm taking my new hydroplane out in the morning.
Would you like to go with me?
- What time?
- A time that suits you.
- When he meets Gatsby for the first time,
he feels like there is understanding behind his smile.
As powerful as Gatsby is,
he still took the time to put his hand on his shoulder,
look him in the eye, and really pay attention
and focus on what Peter Parker was saying.
So the last tip is focus.
Pretend that the person in front of you
is the only person in the entire world.
And this channel is all about focus.
The skill of focus translates well
to human interaction as well.
If you learn to minimize your cell phone
and social media use,
if you learn to focus on slower pace things
and really honing in on things you find boring,
even boring conversations,
then you'll be able to make people feel valued
and appreciated and listened to.
That's all that people want.
Even when they go on long spiels about all their goals
and ambitions, all they want to hear is
"That is incredible."
You know? "Good for you."
So why not make somebody's day by actually
even pretending that you care?
Sometimes that's all people need.
They just need somebody who pretends like they care.
Bonus points if you actually learn to care.
So guys, these are just some of the lessons I learned
from "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
by Dale Carnegie.
I'll put a link in the description
for you to pick up your copy on Amazon.
I'm not going to make it an affiliate link
or anything like that.
It's probably pretty cheap
if you have an e-reader like a Kindle or Kobo,
you can probably find it online, like an online PDF
if you just Google
"HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople.PDF".
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That's all for today.
Thank you for watching and we'll catch you
in the next video.