-Our next guest will be touring Australia this September
with his new show, "Epic."
Making his American television debut,
please welcome the very funny Simon Taylor.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Hello! This is fun.
The last fun thing I did before I came to America was,
I played "Monopoly" with my parents.
But they play "Monopoly" by the modern rules.
Do you know the modern rules of "Monopoly"?
That's when my parents start with all the property,
and I just wait for them to die.
Because they're Boomers. They're so condescending.
They're like, "Well, if you want to get into
the housing market, Millennials,
maybe you should stop eating all that avocado on toast."
How dare you?
Let's do the math for the Boomers, okay?
25 bucks a pop for smashed avocado, eggs, coffee.
You do that four times a month, that's 100 bucks a month.
That's 1,200 bucks a year.
So if I want to put a deposit on a house in an inner-city suburb,
I have to stop eating avocado toast for
20 to 30...
thousand years.
There's no way into the market for my generation.
They don't cater auctions to Millennials.
There's no auctioneer going, "Alright, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the auction just for the under 35s here today,
just for the Millennials here in the beautiful suburb of
outer, outer Manhattan...
Kansas.
We're in Kansas. Should have just said that.
We are starting the bidding on this beautiful
2"x5" studio apartment.
For the under 35s, starting the bidding today at a job.
Who's got a job? Does anyone under 35 got a job?
Can I see a job?
I need a full-time job,
not working part time in a café, sir.
I can see the tattoos.
I'm looking for savings now. Does anyone got savings?
Anyone under 35 got savings? No.
Spent it all fixing your broken phone screen last year.
I'm looking for rich parents now.
Can I see rich parents?
Going once. Going twice. Going three times.
Sold to the foreign investor."
It's the best we can hope for.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You clap, but I'm sad.
I live with my wonderful partner, Lucy.
And living together puts the relationship to the test.
For example, Lucy was in bed one night,
eating cookies because she'd given up.
And... [ Laughter ]
...she had crumbs all down her front.
And she's like, "Babe, I can't move.
I don't want to get crumbs in the bed."
So I vacuumed my girlfriend.
And now we're married,
so it all worked out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't deserve that.
She proposed to me, which was pretty cool.
Any ladies here propose to the men?
Give us a "yeah."
That's emasculating. Okay.
It was amazing, right?
She got down in the middle of the street, right?
Everyone was walking by, and she said "Simon, will you marry me?"
And everyone walking by stopped,
they started applauding and cheering,
which made it so hard to say no.
And my instinct was like,
"No, no, no, I was going to get around to it.
I'm transferring money between accounts.
Give me time."
But as I saw the tears of joy welling in her eyes,
I realized in that instant just how much
money I was going to save.
And I said "Yes," right? Weddings are expensive, man.
Millennials now are sponsoring their weddings
and putting it on social media
just to make some money back, right?
Which I think is so tacky, and I wish I'd done it.
I would have had a commercial break
during the ceremony if I could have.
Like, "I, Simon, take you, Lucy, to be my lawful wedded wife.
But now, a quick word from our sponsor.
Going through a divorce can be tough.
That's why Gibson and Power Divorce Lawyers
are here to help.
Use the promo code 'Till death do us part.'"
Another awkward thing that happened between Lucy and I was,
one night, we're at the laptop, and I said,
"Hey, I'm going to order some food for delivery."
And in front of Lucy, I opened what's called an incognito tab.
Some people know what I'm talking about.
Some people are lost.
For those who don't know, an incognito tab
is a tab you can open in your browser
that doesn't save what you search to your history.
So you could look up anything you want, sir,
and your partner wouldn't know.
You're welcome.
Some people knew what it was, so they giggled.
Some people didn't know what an incognito tab was,
so they were quiet.
But some people knew what it was but stayed quiet
because they were thinking,
"Don't give away my secret, man.
That's my special time."
So, in front of Lucy, I've opened an incognito tab,
accidentally, just, like, out of habit,
because I do it so much.
You know what I'm talking about, dude.
And she said, "Why did you open an incognito tab for food?"
And I'm like, "Uh...
I just don't want people knowing what food I get delivered."
She's like, "What food do you get delivered?"
And I panicked and said, "Interracial.
Fusion. I meant fusion."
My name is Simon Taylor. Thank you so much!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Fusion. Fusion.
Simon Taylor! [ Cheers and applause ]
Simon Taylor.
He'll be touring Australia this September.
We'll be right back, everybody. Come on back.