WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TODAY IS JUST DAY ONE OF THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF
DONALD JOHN TRUMP.
IT'S HISTORIC.
IT'S A PIVOTAL DAY IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC: SOON,
WE WILL FIND OUT IF BREAKING THE LAW IS ILLEGAL.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: WE WILL FIND OUT.
>> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, GOTTA SAY, SO FAR, I DON'T LIKE THE
ODDS.
( LAUGHTER )
IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHOA!
NO!
I'M SOAKING WET.
( LAUGHTER )
TRIAL BEGINS TOMORROW.
TODAY WAS DEBATE ABOUT THE RULES PROPOSED BY SENATE MAJORITY
LEADER AND SCROTUM OF THE OPERA, MITCH McCONNELL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HIS-- HIS RULES SAY-- McCONNELL'S RULES SAY THAT THE
THEY WANT TO CONSIDER NEW EVIDENCE AT ALL.
AND McCONNELL DOES NOT GUARANTEE THE TRIAL WILL INCLUDE
WITNESSES.
SO, NO EVIDENCE, NO WITNESSES...
JUST 100 OLD PEOPLE STUCK IN A ROOM TOGETHER.
THIS ISN'T A TRIAL.
IT'S THE 4:00 DINNER RUSH AT DENNY'S, OR A MATINEE IN
BRANSON, MISSOURI.
IF, BY SOME WILD CHANCE, THERE WHERE MONKEYS EAT MEAT, IT TURNS
OUT THERE ARE WITNESSES.
McCONNELL HAS BUILT IN A FAIL-SAFE, BECAUSE IF THE
MAJORITY DECIDE TO CALL WITNESSES, THAT WITNESS WOULD
FIRST BE INTERVIEWED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, MEANING THEY MIGHT
NEVER TESTIFY IN PUBLIC.
( AS MCCONNELL )
"THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE A FAIR AND TRANSPARENT PROCESS.
NOW PLACE THE TESTIMONY HOOD OVER THE WITNESS'S HEAD, DRAG
HIM INTO THE FACT DUNGEON, AND BEAT HIM WITH THE TRUTH HOSE."
( LAUGHTER )
TO A NEW CNN POLL, 69% SAY THAT THE UPCOMING TRIAL SHOULD
FEATURE TESTIMONY FROM NEW WITNESSES.
THAT'S A TWO-THIRDS MAJORITY.
BUT THEN AGAIN, IF WE DID WHAT THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS
WANT, HILLARY WOULD BE PRESIDENT, AND WE'D HAVE
MALLOMARS ALL YEAR ROUND
REFRIGERATE THE TRUCKS!
WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!
IF WE CAN HAVE MOON PIES, WE CAN HAVE MALLOMARS.
NOW, THE SAME POLL FOUND THAT 51% OF AMERICANS SAY THE SENATE
SHOULD REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE.
( AS TRUMP )
MAJORITIES!
EVEN WORSE THAN MY OTHER NEMESIS: MINORITIES."
( LAUGHTER )
UNDERWAY, HOUSE IMPEACHMENT MANAGER ADAM SCHIFF LAID OUT
EXACTLY WHY MCCONNELL'S RULES FOR THE TRIAL ARE NOTHING LIKE
THE CLINTON IMPEACHMENT.
>> ALL OF THE DOCUMENTS IN THE CLINTON TRIAL WERE TURNED OVER
PRIOR TO THE TRIAL, ALL 90,000 PAGES OF THEM, SO THEY COULD BE
USED IN THE HOUSE'S CASE.
NONE OF THE DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN TURNED OVER BY THE PRESIDENT IN
THIS CASE.
AND UNDER LEADER McCONNELL'S PROPOSAL, NONE MAY EVER BE.
IF THE HOUSE CANNOT CALL WITNESSES OR INTRODUCE
DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE, IT IS NOT A FAIR TRIAL.
IT IS NOT REALLY A TRIAL AT ALL.
>> Stephen: NOW, WHO KNOWS IF HIS ARGUMENT IS GOING TO MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE IN THE LONG RUN, BUT IT JUST FEELS GOOD FOR
SOMEONE TO STAND UP AND NAME THE LIE WE CAN ALL PLAINLY SEE.
IT'S LIKE THE LITTLE BOY YELLING, "THE EMPEROR HAS NO
CLOTHES!
OH, GOD "N" MAKE HIM PUT CLOTHES BACK ON!
MY EYES!
WIPE AWAY MY EYES!" NOW, SCHIFF POINTED OUT THAT,
SETTING POLITICS ASIDE, WE ALL KNOW WHAT REAL JUSTICE LOOKS
LIKE.
>> ASK YOURSELVES HOW WOULD YOU STRUCTURE THE TRIAL IF YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTY WAS AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE
PARTY OF THE PRESIDENT WAS?
>> Stephen: AND WHILE WE'RE ON HYPOTHETICALS, ASK YOURSELF IF
YOU'D RATHER SEE TRUMP DRAGGED OUT OF OFFICE BY ONE HORSE-SIZED
DUCK OR 100 DUCK-SIZED HORSES.
( LAUGHTER )
LINE THAT THEY'RE JUST FOLLOWING THE PROCESS LAID OUT DURING THE
CLINTON IMPEACHMENT AND REMINDED THE SENATE WHY THEY HAD
TO BE SO CAREFUL ABOUT TALKING ABOUT THAT CASE.
>> THE TESTIMONY IN THE CLINTON TRIAL INVOLVED DECORUM ISSUES
THAT ARE NOT PRESENT HERE.
YOU MAY REST ASSURED, WHATEVER ELSE THE CASE MAY BE, SUCH
ISSUES WILL NOT BE PRESENT HERE.
>> Stephen: YES, THERE WERE A LOT OF ISSUES IN THE CLINTON
TRIAL WITH DECORUM.
BILL CLINTON COULD NOT KEEP STICKING HIS DECORUM WHERE IT
DIDN'T BELONG.
TOUGH WORD.
GOT TO BE CAREFUL.
IT'S HARD TO SAY.
THAT WAS HARD TO SAY AND NOT GET IT BLEEPED ON CBS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
VERY DIFFICULT.
THEN TV LAWYER JAY SEKULOW GOT UP TO REBUT ON BEHALF OF THE
PRESIDENT AND REALLY RAISED MORE QUESTIONS THAN HE ANSWERED.
>> WHAT ARE WE DEALING WITH HERE?
WHY ARE WE HERE?
>> Stephen: (AS SEKULOW) WHY ARE WE HERE.
"WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO?
DO YOU LIKE THE THINGS THAT LIFE IS SHOWING YOU?
WHAT'S THE BUZZ?
TELL ME WHAT'S A-HAPPENING?
WHERE ARE THE CLOWNS?
THERE OUGHT TO BE CLOWNS.
IN SUMMATION: WAR-- HUNGH, GOOD, GOD, Y'ALL
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
THE DEFENSE RESTS."
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
NOW, WHITE HOUSE ATTORNEY PAT CIPOLLONE SEEMED TO THINK THAT
COLLECTING EVIDENCE WAS, ITSELF, SOMEHOW UNFAIR?
>> IF I SHOWED UP IN ANY COURT IN THIS COUNTRY, AND I SAID,
"JUDGE, MY CASE IS OVERWHELMING, BUT I'M NOT READY TO GO YET.
I NEED MORE EVIDENCE BEFORE I CAN MAKE MY CASE," I WOULD GET
THROWN OUT IN TWO SECONDS.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU WOULDN'T!
IT'S CALLED "DISCOVERY."
COURTS ALLOW IT ALL THE TIME!
INSTEAD OF OPENING STATEMENTS
LOOK, SIP LOAN, INSTEAD OF OPENING STATEMENTS, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD HAVE SPENT YOUR HOUR WATCHING "LAW & ORDER."
CIPPOLLONE COULDN'T JUSTIFY NO EVIDENCE AND NO WITNESSES, SO
HOW DID YOU MAKE A CASE WITH NO ARGUMENT?
VOLUME!
>> WHEN YOU LOOK AT THESE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT, THEY
ARE NOT ONLY RIDICULOUS.
IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.
IT'S LONG PAST TIME THAT WE START THIS SO WE CAN END THIS
RIDICULOUS CHARADE.
>> Stephen: YES, LET'S GET STARTED AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
GET PAT CIPOLLONE A THESAURUS.
( AS CIPPOLLONE )
OUTRAGEOUS!
EGREGIOUS!
INIQUITOUS!
OOOH, OPPROBRIOUS!
IT'S NUTRAGEOUS."
>> MR. CIPOLLO MADE THE REPRESENTATION THAT REPUBLICANS
WERE NOT EVEN ALLOWED AT DEPOSITIONS CONDUCTED IN THE
HOUSE.
NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO SUGGEST TO YOU THAT MR. CIPILLONE WOULD
MAKE A FALSE SAIMENT.
I WILL LEAVE IT TO MR. CIPILONNE TO MAKE THOSE ALLEGATIONS
AGAINST OTHERS.
BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS, HE IS MISTAKEN.
>> I WON'T SAY HE WILL DELIBERATELY TAKE A DUMP ON YOUR
DESK AND BLAME IT ON A TALL DOG, BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS-- HIS
BELT IS LOOKING MIGHTY LOOSE OVER THERE.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE OWNS A GREAT DANE.
SCHIFF MADE IT CLEAR WHY TRUMP'S LAWYERS KEEP ARGUING ABOUT
PROCESS.
>> EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THEM ATTACKING HOUSE MANAGERSIMENT
YOU TO ASK YOURSELF, AWAY FROM WHAT ISSUE ARE THEY TRYING TO
DISTRACT ME?
WHAT ISSUE CAME UP BEFORE THIS?
WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO DEFLECT MY ATTENTION FROM?
WHY DON'T THEY HAVE A BETTER ARGUMENT TO MAKE ON THE MERITS?
>> Stephen: TO WHICH JAY SEKULOW REPLIED, "HEY, LOOK OVER HERE!
SHINY, SHINY!
PAY NO ATTENTION!
THERE IT GOES!
GET IT, BOY, GET IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NUTRAGEOUS RULES, THERE'S THE SENATE RULES, WHICH ARE PRETTY
STRICT WHEN IT COMES TO HOW THE SENATORS HAVE TO BEHAVE.
FOR INSTANCE, THEY'LL BE FORCED TO SURRENDER THEIR PHONES AND
SIT IN THEIR CHAIRS SILENTLY FOR THE DURATION.
THEY ALSO WON'T EVEN BE ALLOWED TO TALK AT LENGTH TO PEOPLE
NEARBY OR WALK ON CERTAIN AREAS OF THE SENATE FLOOR.
( AS SERGEANT OF ARMS )
BE IT KNOWN THE FOLLOWING AREAS OF THE SENATE FLOOR AR
( LAUGHTER )
"PARTS OF THE LOBBY ARE SNAKES."
( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO FLORIDA SENATOR AND LAST THING YOU SEE BEFORE THE
CHLOROFORM KICKS IN, RICK SCOTT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OOOH.
>> Jon: SNAKES IN THE GRASS.
>> Stephen: YOUR SKULL WILL MAKE QUITE A TROPHY FOR FATHER.
( LAUGHTER )
SCOTT TOLD A REPORTER THAT SENATORS CAN ONLY DRINK WATER OR
MILK DURING THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
NOW, MILK MIGHT SEEM WEIRD, BUT IT'S JUST SO THE SENATORS FROM
WISCONSIN CAN BRING IN THEIR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT COWS.
( LAUGHTER )
THE IMPEACHMENT KICKOFF BECAUSE HE'S AT THE WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM
IN DAWFOUS.
BECAUSE NOTHING SCREAMS "INNOCENCE" LIKE BEING PUT ON
TRIAL AND IMMEDIATELY FLEEING TO SWITZERLAND.
WE DID HEAR FROM THE MAN WITHOUT WHOM THIS IMPEACHMENT WOULDN'T
BE POSSIBLE.
TRUMP PERSONAL LAWYER AND PENGUIN FATHER ABANDONING HIS
CHICKS TO THE SEALS, RUDY GIULIANI.
LAST NIGHT, HE WENT ON TV TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HE DOESN'T
GET A FAIR SHAKE FROM TV.
>> THEY DON'T INVESTIGATE DEMOCRATS.
THEY ARE AFRAID.
I AM GOING TO DEVOTE A LOT OF TIME THIS YEAR EXPOSING THE
DOUBLE STANDARD ON MY OWN PODCAST.
>> Stephen: YES, STAY TUNED FOR THE PREMIERE OF HIS PODCAST:
"THIS AMERICAN LOW-LIFE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'LL LISTEN.
I'LL LISTEN!
ONE OF THE MOST DISTURBING THINGS ABOUT THIS ENTIRE STORY,
GIULIANI HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF STALKING U.S. AMBASSADOR TO
UKRAINE, MARIE YOVANOVITCH, BUT HE DENIED IT.
>> YOU DIRECTED THE SURVEILLANCE OF A SITTING U.S. AMBASSADOR,
MARIA YOVANOVICH, IN THE UKRAINE.
>> NO, I DID NOT.
I CAN DEFINITELY TELL YOU I DIDN'T.
IN FACT, SHE DIRECTED SURVEILLANCE OF ME!
WHICH NOBODY IS INVESTIGATING.
>> Stephen: (AS GIULIANI) "MARIE YOVANOVITCH SPIED ON ME!
ALSO, SHE'S THE ONE WHO KEEPS LOCKING HERSELF OUT OF HER
APARTMENT, CLIMBING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW, AND SLEEPING IN A
PILE OF DIRTY SUITS.
SHE'S THE ONE WHO GOES INTO THE STEAM ROOM, SHE'S THE ONE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE ONE WHO GOES INTO THE SAUNA AND ACCIDENTALLY SITS DOWN
ON HER OWN TESTICLES AND HAS TO GATHER THEM UP IN A SATCHEL JUST
TO PUT HER PANTS ON!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
PATRICK STEWART IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" WONT YOU JOIN US.