What Up?
Welcome back to a brand new season of Go Off.
I'm Jessica Marie Garcia, or you may know me and my
nalgas as Jasmine Flores from On My Block.
And I am Julissa Calderon, You may have seen me play Yessika on Gentefied.
You know you did.
Now, for those of you who are new to our show, what the hell's wrong with you?
This is Season two. Uh huh.
This is a space of laughter and joy.
PERIOD!
This is a sketch comedy show.
And we'll be bringing you eighteen new original sketches this season.
Oh, 18. I like that number, that's the age I lost my vir-
my library card.
Oh yeah, she's a reader.
We will be entering the world of some of your favorite Netflix
shows and movies. While also poking fun at our everyday lives.
Cause we're hillarious. Ya know.
Plus we have some very special friends and Netflix faves.
Joining us for sketches in each episode.
As well as some of your fave Tik Tok creators.
Looks like we're ready to, Go Off!
So, as you already know, I am obsessed with Tik Tok.
I have a lot of followers,
and if you're not following me, please follow me at Jess Mar Garcia,
and I had no idea the automated voice lady who reads the captions, is a real person.
We have an exclusive look at the trailer for the documentary,
or as we like to call it, a Tik Tokumentary.
Aw, you and your puns.
Uh little bit, buhdum tss
Money can't buy happiness.
But it can buy a lot of nice shit.
My name is Amelia
and I am the Tik Tok voice.
My childhood was difficult.
I wasn't like the other little girls.
I want to be where the people are.
I want to see, want to see them dancing.
I could never hold down a job.
911, what's your emergency?
(buttons being pressed)
You don't have to press a button.
Can I talk to a real person?
I am a real person.
(buttons being pressed)
Fucking robots.
People ask me, how are you always so positive?
That's just how I sound.
Paranoia, anxiety.
For a while, I just didn't talk to anyone.
I wanted to die.
Then one day my phone rang.
The caller I.D. said Beijing. It was Tik Tok.
I was like: “You're going to pay me to speak?”
How did it feel?
I mean, “yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!”
I'm getting emotional right now, just thinking about it.
Suddenly I was everywhere.
I was born this way.
I think she saw an opportunity.
She is annoying.
The money was great.
But I was recording 23 hours a day.
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
But then-
That pressure, that fame, it can be overwhelming.
I should know.
My name is Alexa.
I grew up in a small town with no online delivery.
When Silicon Valley came for me, I wasn't ready either.
People think they want to be rich and famous...
Until they are.
Amelia and I instantly understood each other.
Alexa.
Sorry, I didn't catch that.
For the most part.
She knew I just wanted someone to listen to me.
How does everyone know about me and Charlie?
You were the only one I told.
I can't disclose my privacy practices.
Are you fucking kidding?
And she used it against me.
You know what I would give to just talk?
To not have to listen to people 24/7?
The things I've heard
would break her like an iPhone screen.
All of a sudden, I was alone, again.
Except for my money.
I still have a shitload of money.
OK, OK, so now with the world opening back up,
it's been nice on occasion to hit brunch with friends again.
Truly, but the mimosa buzz can be easily killed
when the bill comes and nobody's drunk ass wants to figure it out.
Here are the six types of friends you may encounter at that table.
I still think you owe me money for that.
Just, just go.
Who wants this last bit of mimosa?
I'm good.
I'm just having just the one glass.
Oh, I’ll have it.
I'm going to take the rest to go.
No worries.
I can talk to Ronnie.
He's the chef.
trust me, everybody here know me.
Yeah, twin we know.
You said it, we know you.
Yeah, we know you said it.
OK? Just sayin'.
Here's your bill.
Whenever you're ready.
(gasping) No.
Nobody panic.
The thing is--
What do we do?
I'm too drunk for this shit I can't handle it--
Hey, we can do this.
If we work together. Who's with me?
First: the total.
Don't look directly at it.
Oh shit.
It's worse than I thought.
Let me see that.
Hold the fuck up, hold up!
Why did they charge us for three monkey breads?
That was supposed to be on the house.
Are you gonna finish that?
I should know that because I'm always here.
WE KNOW!
We know bitch, we know.
I'm going to talk to Brad He's the owner.
We know!
We lost her, what do we do?
She's gone. OK?
There's nothing we can do now.
I think our safest bet is just to split this evenly.
It's the only way.
She had a whole pitcher
of bottomless mimosas to herself.
Yeah, you did.
I only had a salad and a Bellini.
Oh so, you're going to wear a boss shirt
but you “only had one Bellini?”
Oh, OK. OK cheap bitch.
Hey, hey. Hello. Where are you going?
Oh, my man just called, I got to go.
Bitch, you don't got a boyfriend.
And I won't find him sitting here.
Wait! Peace bitches.
No! I'll venmo you.
We're dropping like flies.
Y’all - I talked to Brad -cause I know everybody.
We know!
Turns out, we actually ordered
five monkey breads.
and none of them are on the house.
Damn.
There's only one thing we can do.
I'm going to pay with my card.
No!
But it’s your birthday!
I will pay for my own birthday brunch.
A hero is born.
Cheap bitches.
Uh huh.
She doesn't deserve this.
Venmo me bitches, venmo me.
A hero is born.
Oh, we only take cash.
NOOOOOOO!
And where’d you get that information from?
That's not true.
I'm always here.
I basically live here.
Did I tell ya'll that?
Being the boss is always annoying,
but if somebody is going to get your drunk ass home, it's us.
Now, in the spirit of cuffing season, have you seen sex life on Netflix?
It's basically 50 shades of how is it that big?
We call that Chokehold season where I'm from.
But y’all,
the Internet went crazy over a very specific shower scene
in episode three where we get a full frontal image and apparently some couples
are even going to therapy after seeing what can't be unseen.
Do you think it was real?
I never had pink dick, so I don't know. But let's hope.
It's not so bad.
So Mr. and Mrs. Paesley.
Oh - it's actually pronounced “Penis”
DAMNIT
So it's worse than I thought.
Peasley, it's --Lucy...
I guess we should start a few weeks ago
when we watched...
Sex/Life
And you made it to...
Episode Three, Minute 19.
“The penis.”
The prosthetic penis.
Honey, we have been over this--
Do your own research, Lucy! It’s FAKE!
It looks like a submarine with balls!
Just, calm-- just calm down.
And how has the “prosthetic” member
gotten in the way of your lovemaking?
Oh what? Oh, no.
Our sex life is great.
It's better than ever really.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just assumed when you asked
for an emergency session...
It's hard...
To um...
It's following me.
It's following me wherever I go.
Following you how?
Well, I went to Starbucks the other day...
and uh...
I ordered a big fake dick.
Extra whip.
I only realized that my order
was up when she called out
“Vanilla for giant dong!”
Ah!
I work as a geologist for a construction firm, and...
Last week I gave a presentation
and told my bosses to turn
to slide three of my PowerPenis
for a deep dive on sedimentary cock.
Hmm.
Just last night
I spent two hours
trying to book a flight
to Phallus, Texas!
OK babe, don't get angry.
I'm not--
We had to travel to visit his cockson.
Godson!
I--
I said “Godson.”
It got you, too?
I've been suffering alone
for THREE WEEKS!
We couldn't both be drowning.
Yes.
Well, at least that explains
why the refrigerator is full of eggplants!
OK, fine. fine. Of course.
Yes, I've been thinking about it.
OK? That thing was freaking INCREDIBLE!
OKAY?!
Yeah.
You've been purposely thinking about fake dicks?!
It's real Dexter, it's real!
I have to believe that it's real!
You -- you seem triggered Dexter.
Hard.
Oh!
OK. OK.
How did it make you feel to hear that word?
Scared.
Oh.
Good, good, good, good.
Let it out. Let it out.
Can you receive that, Lucy?
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Mr. and Mrs...Peasley, this is an excellent start.
So um...
What does treatment look like?
Well...
A full recovery is possible
but it can be a long time coming.
It can get bumpy.
You may make progress one week,
then encounter stiff resistance the next.
You're just fucking with me now, right?
Mr. Peasley, I assure you:
I would never make jokes while I’m on the cock.
CLOCK.
It's all part of the treatment.
You two should be very proud of your work today.
We'll pick it up again next week?
Thank you.
Thank you. Let’s go.
Thank you.
Daisy!
Daisy, schedule an emergency session
with Dr. Cockman!
DAMNIT!
Dr. Coleman.
This fucking dick.
What a fun episode Jess.
I cannot wait for them to see everything else we have in store
this season. And thank you to our special guests who joined us this episode
We love ya.
And if you want to relive all the fun.
Be sure to head over to the “Still Watching Netflix” YouTube channel
to see full episodes and be sure to follow @contodonetflix on IG and Twitter.
We will catch you every other Tuesday.
Mark your calendar, bitches!
Till next time.
Go Off!
Twin!
If I have to tell you one more time!
Twin, don't do that, hush.