- This comedian coming to the stage
is super funny, ladies and gentlemen.
He's one of the newest cast members on Wild N' Out.
Make some noise, from America's Got Talent, for Cortez!
(upbeat music)
- Yeah, how y'all feeling, y'all good?
- [Crowd] Yes!
- I know that's right, oh my mom made it!
Ooh hoo, I bet she wished she would've kept me.
(laughing)
How many parents out here, any parents out here?
(crowd cheering)
That's what's up, I don't like y'all, I don't.
I can't stand parents, no because my mom and dad
they're liars, my mom is a liar man.
I mean all while I'm growing up, she's like,
Tez, Tez, don't lie, don't lie, it's bad for your soul.
Then when we go out there in public,
that rule go right out the window, don't it?
Me and my family going out,
before we can even get in the restaurant,
you 10, you 10, you eight, you eight, shh.
Can't stand that man.
I gotta order off the kid's menu all the time.
Do y'all know what's on the kid's menu?
Chicken sliders!
(laughing)
Three, and the third one
ain't never the same size as the other two.
(laughing)
It's messed up man, I'm 20 years old man I'm grown.
So I like to say, no I'm grown and my momma
still make me lie, man.
She be like, soon as we get in there, you 10.
I'm like, ma I work here, they don't even do that.
(laughing)
They don't do that here man, can't stand it man.
I love my parents though because I learned a lot from them.
Like the biggest lesson I learned from my mom and dad
would have to be to take my negative flaws
and turn them into positive things, right?
Clap it up, because we got haters everywhere!
(audience clapping)
Like I got two big flaws man, my first flaw
is I'm real small and skinny, I'm for real.
I'm skinny man, I'm frail, I am.
Like if you hit me in my chest, my leg would hurt.
(laughing)
I'm so small and skinny man I hate it.
I got a twin brother y'all, we both small and skinny.
You put us together, we actually smaller.
I'm serious man, we look like two pencils
just going at it when we be fighting, two pencils.
Nobody wanna break it up because we too sharp.
(laughing)
I'm serious man, I'm serious.
Another one of my flaws, man,
is I wear glasses, right?
Not because I want to, because I got a cocked eye.
(laughing)
But it's pros and cons to having a cocked eye y'all.
Like one of the good parts of having a cocked eye
is when I'm in class.
I can cheat off anybody paper I want to.
(laughing)
I'm for real, teacher be like,
all right class, eyes on your own paper.
Man I take my glasses off,
one eye on my paper and one eye on his paper.
(laughing)
I'm serious man, I'm serious.
One of the bad parts of having a cocked eye
is with my mom, you know what I mean?
She'll be like, better look at me
when I'm talking to you boy,
you better look at me when I'm talking to you.
I'm like I am, least I'm trying to.
Can you just stand over here, so that you can see me
looking at you when I'm talking to you.
I'm trying to, I really am.
Another whacked part about having a cocked eye man
is my girlfriend, she broke up with me.
Yeah, she said I was seeing women on the side.
(laughing)
I was supposed to see it coming but didn't.
That's what sucks about it, I didn't.
It's cool though, just gotta find a girl
on my same eye level, you know,
we just gotta see eye to eye.
You know, nothing major, no major.
I always have a hard time getting girls too, man.
I feel like when it comes to me and girls yo,
I feel like,
I feel like the end pieces of the bread, like
like no one wants me, you know?
I'm so serious man.
It's cool though, 'cause when they down
to that last piece of bread and they hungry,
(laughing)
they gon' want me then, they gon' want me then.
Y'all like my haircut man?
It's crispy, ain't it?
I love how they just spray painted my hairline on
like when I get in the shower, it ain't gone come right off.
(laughing)
I thought that was funny.
(laughing) (beeping)
Ay, shout out to all the ladies out there with wigs.
Make some noise if you got a wig on right now.
(audience cheering)
That's what's up, I remember when I saw my momma
without her wig for the first time, I was so, boy.
I went downstairs, I was like oh,
Went back upstairs.
I'm like, Daddy!
Who that (bleeping) downstairs in the kitchen?
(laughing)
Ay y'all I'm Cortez, y'all been a great crowd,
appreciate y'all!
(audience cheering)
- [Crowd] Party, party, party,
party, party, party, party.