(energetic music)
- [Announcer] Hello London!
Welcome to Set Lists: Stand-Up With Out a Net Live!
At the Soho theater.
(audience laughter)
We are taking some the UK's favorite comedians,
way out of their comfort zones,
just to watch em create an entire,
stand up set right in the moment!
From ridiculous topics you and I,
will see here for the very fist time.
So lets give it up right now,
for the never before see set list of Jimmy Carr!
(cheering)
(clapping)
(throat clearing)
- Good Evening, I'm Jimmy Carr, these are my jokes.
(clears throat)
(audience laughter)
Where are we, is this legal?
(audience laughter)
Sorry, I just need to, for this.
(audience laughter)
Nei, nein, nein.
Um, yah, but a Hitler, um, I think much maligned.
(audience laughter)
It's fair to say, I'm not an apologist for, you know,
hmm.
They say there's safety in numbers,
tell that to six million jews.
I mean, I'm not, (audience laughter)
I'm not saying he didn't do bad things,
I mean ultimately, you would have to say a very naughty boy.
But, had Hitler had the discipline as a child,
I think he could have been, he could have been,
well, he could have been a painter.
That was, (audience laughter)
that's what he want, he wanted to be a painter.
He wanted to be in, you know in the arts, and who doesn't.
I feel if I wasn't in the arts, you know,
who knows what I could be capable of.
(audience laughter)
But, I mean, really, I mean if he'd only,
if they got him early,
and really I think that's what ASBO's are about,
it's antisocial behavior.
I think aptly describes, the flaw in his character.
(audience laughter)
Should we be punishing, or should we be looking to learn,
and, did he need an ASBO, did he need to be told off,
did Mrs. Hitler need to slap him on the legs,
or perhaps he needed a hug.
(audience laughter)
And are there lessons to be learned from that, from history.
There's a message in this show,
(audience laughter)
which no one was hoping for.
(audience laughter)
Yah, so Hitler's.
Oh hang on, um, well the reason he didn't get an ASBO
was primarily because of the alter boy that,
I mean answered back.
I'm not surprised he answered back,
I mean the catholic church have done,
terrible things to alter boys, I mean,
lets face it, I couldn't be more suspicious,
of the catholic church if it was made of gingerbread.
(audience laughter)
I don't think could be more suspicious,
of the catholic church,
if the pope-mobile played ice cream van music.
(audience laughter)
It's (laughing).
And even referencing that,
even referencing the pedophilia,
the terrible abuse that happened to alter boys,
over the last 100 years, or 100's of years,
even that, it feels just disrespectful, it feels unkind.
And it prejudices the catholic priests who aren't pedophile,
and their both livid.
(audience laughter)
And, I'm not judging it,
I'm just, I'm throwing out facts here.
This really about facts this evening.
(audience laughter)
A lot of priests, that you know,
came across these lippy alter boys,
if you'll pardon that expression.
(audience laughter)
They told them it was okay to do so because,
it says so in the Bible,
and that's according to Mathew 12, Luke 10.
(audience laughter)
(clapping) (laughter)
And John 8.
(audience laughter)
This adorable jihad,
let's definitely give me that as a subject.
What could possibly go wrong.
Ah, (audience laughter)
Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls.
(audience laughter)
Do they blow themselves up?
(roaring audience laughter)
Now, if caused a jihad, the wrath of Islam,
that would be an adorable jihad.
Now, it strikes me, the wrath of Islam,
sounds like a terrible pub, doesn't it.
(audience laughter)
No booze, no women, no furnishing, what the fuck is this?
(audience laughter)
There's different sorts of jihad's.
The famous one was the Danish one, right?
Am I right?
Where the guy did a cartoon of Muhammad,
with a bomb as a hat?
Do you remember that?
And we have it here, no we don't.
(audience laughter)
We're not fucking idiots, but,
he drew a picture of Mohammad with a bomb,
and worse things have been said about Mohammad,
I feel sure, I mean, they'd have to pray five times a day,
'cause fuckers got azheimer's presumably.
(roaring audience laughter)
Our god, our god, the god I don't believe in,
makes due with Christmas and Easter.
(audience laughter)
He's just not that fucking needy.
(audience laughter)
The jihad, well the jihad against the man, the Danish man,
was, well it was an extraordinary thing,
They said well this is unacceptable.
What, they decide to do is boycott,
all Danish products in Saudi Arabia.
Yeah.
(audience laughter)
Yes, what do they make again?
It's beer isn't it, it's bacon and porn.
(audience laughter)
Were the doing a roaring trade before this adorable jihad?
There you go, that'll do for that, ah.
A minimalist circus.
I like the circus.
Has anyone been to the circus recently?
Have you not been to the circus, awe, it's fabulous,
'cause it makes the zoo seem kind of okay.
(audience laughter)
Oh what?
Those animals don't look as depressed as I thought,
'cause I've seen the circus.
Jesus.
Well their not as depressed looking,
as the divorced dad's with their kids going,
"This is shit."
(audience laughter)
We should have seen a film.
I supposed a minimalist circus would be,
one where the tricks are not that impressive.
Where maybe you just get, you know, maybe a rescued donkey,
and go well he's standing, what do you want?
(audience laughter)
Thrill is, we melt him down and turn him into glue.
(audience laughter)
Maybe that be good, be a practical circus. (laughs)
(audience laughter)
Look at the elephants,
we're gonna make some chess pieces.
(roaring audience laughter)
Strap in kids, this is gonna get ugly.
(audience laughter)
Ha, ha, ha!
Of course the high wire is a beautiful thing.
Isn't it the high wire the trapeze, the whole thing.
The circus is basically, it's incredibly shit isn't it?
By any standards. (audience laughter)
It is the greatest show on earth.
Is it?
It's basically, it's basically some pie keys.
(audience laughter)
I'm not having a go at pie keys.
But you know, it's them, their putting on a show.
(audience laughter)
Oh look, we got a horse, and a donkey,
and loads of shit, well done you.
(audience laughter)
My big fat gypsy entertainment.
I believe if that,
god bless the gybo's
(audience laughter)
At least the circus as the decency to move on.
(roaring audience laughter)
(clapping)
My problem, my only problem,
on my mother's side we've got some, lots of Romany blood,
we're Romany gypsies, but the idea,
that the traveling community have gone,
"No, we're not moving,"
"Well, no, it says here your travelers."
"Well, we're fucking staying. We're not leaving our homes."
"Well, no one's asking you to leave your homes,
just tie it to he back of a van and fuck off."
(audience laughter)
You would have thought the gypsies would have more luck,
what with all that heather.
(audience laughter)
I think, ah, I don't know, should we call it,
let's call it a draw and leave it there.
Thank you very much, cheers.
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