It was only the second time Fred had hung out with his new friend Aubrey outside of
school. Aubrey was essentially Fred’s first real friend, the first person he really had to put
everything he learned about being a good person and interacting with others on the table for with
something meaningful at stake. The two had just come inside from biking around in the driveway.
Rushing from the door to the living room couch, Aubrey excitedly said Fred, “Do you
want to watch Star Trek?” “Do you like that show?”
Fred responded with a neutral tone. “Yeah, it’s my favorite. It’s so good. Do you?”
“Yeah. Let’s watch it,” Fred replied. The two watched the show quietly for the rest of
the afternoon until Fred’s parents came and picked him up. Fred had in fact seen the show before,
but he hated it. He wanted to be nice, though, which, as he understood it,
meant putting others’ needs and desires in front of your own and not upsetting people,
and so, he put Aubrey first, avoided any conflict of interest, and agreed to watch.
At least once almost every time they hung out thereafter, Aubrey put on Star Trek. Although
Fred occasionally tried to sway the activity a different direction, he never explicitly
told Aubrey how he actually felt. Instead, by the end of the school year, Fred just stopped hanging
out with Aubrey altogether, secretly having harbored the frustration that they rarely did
or watched anything he wanted. Aubrey was deeply confused as to what had happened, what was wrong,
and why he suddenly lost his friend. When he asked Fred, Fred was coy and dismissive.
Several years later, in high school, Fred found himself apart of several small friend groups.
With the introduction of greater freedom, driver’s licenses, and the pubescent lust for activity,
Fred also found himself spending far more time with friends outside of school than he ever had
before. For the first time, he had to balance plans and schedules between different people
and between people and himself. Whenever he was asked to do something, whether it was to hang
out or do someone a favor, afraid of coming off disinterested or making any of his friends upset,
Fred’s answer was almost always a resounding yes. Of course, since he always agreed, he often
already had tentative plans with other people that overlapped, which meant he often had to figure
out how to cancel most of them. Throughout high school, Fred spent very little time with himself,
his hobbies, his interests, his schoolwork, his peace-of-mind, and so on. He often felt
diminished and used, disproportionately doing things other people wanted or suggested,
secretly developing and harboring a resentment toward many of his friends and family members.
By graduation, he had lost some of his friends due to his flakey nature
and intentionally but seemingly inexplicably broke ties with most of the rest.
Many of them were somewhat confused and upset by his sudden disappearance.
A couple years later, during college, Fred found himself in his first real,
serious long-term relationship with a girl named Tara. The relationship was amazing. They
connected with each other in a way Fred had never experienced connection before. Tara was beautiful
and sweet and funny and interesting and brought out parts of him that he didn’t even know existed
that made him feel alive. He soon fell in love for the first time. As time passed, though,
things began to fall apart. Tara often did things that upset Fred. She would go silent for full days
without responding to his texts, she would go out with friends without ever letting him know when
and where she might go, she would act and react with very little patience, and she would often
ask Fred for accommodations while neglecting his own schedule and needs. By three years in,
Fred no longer felt the same connection with her that he once did. Who they were when they
first met was not who they were now. Fred prided himself on being a nice, easy-going boyfriend
in a relationship void of fights, though, and so, he rarely addressed things that bothered him,
rarely pointed out Tara’s character flaws or any of the issues he had in the relationship,
and mostly avoided arguments in general. “We like never fight,” Fred said to one of his
friends from college while catching up at a bar, “I just don’t really like the way she treats me.
She doesn’t seem to understand like who I am or where I’m coming from or what I want.
I used to think she did…or at least could, but I don’t even know if she cares anymore.”
“I mean, I’m not necessarily trying to suggest anything,
but have you at least thought about potentially breaking up with her?” Fred’s friend replied.
“I don’t know. Maybe. I just…I want to make things work. I don’t want to devastate her,
you know? I don’t know if she would really be able to be ok… with me.
I don’t know. I’ll see how things go, I guess.” Fred stayed with Tara for over a year more. He
tried to act as if everything was fine but found himself unavoidably distancing himself more and
more from her. The breaking point was when he found out that Tara cheated on him. Even then,
he stayed with her for a few more months. She said her reasoning was she felt neglected and
didn’t feel like he loved her anymore. He told her he would try to understand and forgive her, but in
actuality, he felt like ending more than just the relationship. Not long after, Fred broke up with
her, realizing how much of a fool he had been. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done.
Following college, Fred was out on his own in the world, navigating the early budding prospects
of his career. By twenty-three, he received his first real job offer related to his career path—a
digital marketing coordinator role for a mid-sized e-commerce company. Fred eagerly accepted.
In the office, Fred always put on his smiley face and happily agreed to everything he was asked,
even when it was outside the scope of his work, often offering to help or pick up any slack any
time his manager or one of his coworkers asked, not wanting to upset or disappoint. He rarely
could help with most of what he took on, either in terms of his ability or his time. In general,
there was a deep crater of incongruency between what he presented about his interest and ambition
and how he actually felt about the work. Again and again, Fred would over promise and under deliver.
Secretly, he disliked his boss and most of his co-workers. He despised
how they treated and took advantage of him. Fred continued in this job for the following
couple years despite it being well beneath his skillset and upper management never really
offering him a nearly equivalent opportunity or compensation. Three years in, after he couldn’t
take it anymore, he quit in what seemed like all of the sudden without much of an explanation.
Fred was perhaps one of the nicest people you could ever meet. He always made sure the happiness
and preferences of those around him were met. He never wanted to upset anyone. He was always
willing to go with whatever anyone else wanted. And so, when he was twenty-eight years old and he
found himself alone, with very few friends, a very short but complicated list of ex-girlfriends, and
a strained, awkward relationship with his previous colleagues and bosses, he was extremely confused.
Having not had much of a social life, let alone a relationship, in a couple years, feeling like
he was on the brink of a life of total isolation, Fred decided to start dating again. He had little
luck at first, but eventually, he met a very unique, spontaneous, and extroverted woman unlike
anyone he had ever met before, named Amina. While on a third date with her, the two sat
at a picknick table in a park while the sun set behind them. They discussed all sorts of topics,
including more personal sentiments of their lives and pasts, which was very
uncharacteristic of Fred. He shared about his old friends and jobs and even some of his exes.
“I don’t know. It seems like everyone is just selfish in this world. That’s definitely one
thing I’ve learned. I feel like people have just always taken advantage of me,
of my niceness. I’ve been nothing but nice, but I just get screwed over and over,” Fred said.
“That’s true. People are definitely selfish,” Amina replied.
A brief pause surrounded the two, Amina clearly having more to say.
“I have to say though, upfront, if we’re gonna potentially, you know, keep this going,
I gotta ask something.” “Ok, sure, yeah. About what?” Fred replied.
“Are you the kind of guy who is so hung up on being nice,
he never really thinks about other people?” “What do mean?” Fred said,
confused by the seeming paradoxical question. “Like, did you ever tell anyone you how you felt?
Did you ever ask them not to do something? Did you explain what was wrong and try to help resolve it?
No offense, but…it kinda seems like you always just expected people to know how you felt and
to treat you right just because you were nice.” Another brief pause filled the space between them.
“I mean… I just don’t like arguing or being mean or confrontational for no reason,
especially when people should kinda already know what’s right,” Fred answered.
“Yeah, but how does anyone know of a problem if the problem is hidden from them? And why would
anyone want to solve it if it benefits them, and the other person doesn’t seem to care? I don’t
think niceness is always kind. Because kindness is not quietness, submissiveness, or self-surrender.
I think it’s the willingness to confront and deal with others and issues honestly and fairly
for everyone’s benefit, even when it’s difficult or uncomfortable for you,” Amina said.
“That’s true. I agree with that actually,” Fred replied with a somewhat dip in his tone.
“Do you?” Amina replied laughing, “I’m just saying, I’ve dealt with plenty of selfish
people in my life, so I completely resonate with where you’re coming from. But some people are so
concerned with not being selfish, they become it. They become so centered around being liked and
perceived favorably, they never even consider the consequences of their so-call niceness.
Agreeing universally with everyone is not necessarily a sign that you actually care
about other people, but that you care about what other people think about you. With no
regard for how it affects them. How is that not selfish? At least with straight forward people,
you know where they stand and what the issues are. Maybe their perspectives still aren’t always good,
but at least they respect you enough to tell you.” The two looked at each other sitting on opposite
sides of the picknick table as if Amina was the antithesis to Fred’s entire life
laid bare on the table in front of him. “Sorry,” she continued, “I didn’t mean
to come off too forward there. I’m just, you know, doing my due diligence.
Less time to waste at this age, you know?” “Yeah, no, I get it,” Fred said with a laugh.
“So, are you around next weekend at all? We should do something!”
Fred paused. Then he said, “Yeah. Maybe we should take things a little bit slower, actually.”