- What if while this is happening,
some of the groupies take off their clothes?
(group laughs)
Just a thought! Let's make this sexier!
(energetic beat)
Hello, America.
Welcome to the Rank Room.
This is a show where we answer
one of life's most important questions.
Today's question is:
What is the sexiest death?
I am joined by Raphael Chestang.
- Buckle up.
- Ally Beardsley.
- Put a cork in it.
- And Brennan Lee Mulligan.
- Stop what you're doing
and do something different or I'll harm you.
- Excellent, Brennan would you like to start?
- I would. What is the sexiest way to die?
- Oh. - Oh, baby.
- What?
- Five dimensional orgasm.
The average orgasm-experiencing human being
experiences an orgasm in only four dimensions.
The dimension of depth, width, height and time.
- What the fuck?
(group laughs)
- This is wild.
- If you had asked me what the dimensions were,
I would have been like what? - How did you say that
with a straight face?
- For real, I actually haven't said something weird yet.
(group laughs)
What is the fifth dimension? - Yes.
- Some posit that the fifth dimension is impossible for us
as four dimensional beings to understand.
We cannot know from our vantage point
what five dimensions would be like.
Perhaps you would bust a nut so hard--
(group laughs)
Perhaps one would bust their nut so forcefully
that you would recourse backwards infinitely
into a fractal version of yourself, thus, not only,
are you weeping?
It is impossible to say whether the achievement
of this fabled state would actually kill one
on a biological level.
Who is to say whether this death
would in fact not actually be more
of a ascendance into a higher form of life.
- You did not answer the question though.
- Didn't I, though?
- Like no, I want you to actually die.
- What would your definition of death be?
- What?! You die! - I think it's...
- Oh, Raph, let us not be so pedestrian,
these terms require definition.
- I'm sorry. - This was supposed to be fun.
(group laughs)
Ally, Ally.
- It's been a great party, thanks for having us over.
- [Katie] Ally, go.
- You don't think that the audience
is going to have one question?
- [Katie] I don't think.
- No, I think I've just about wrapped it up.
(group laughs)
- My answer for sexiest way to die.
- Yes.
- Celebrity Crush crush.
- Oh.
- Robin Wright,
the only one keeping House of Cards afloat.
- [Together] Right.
- Gorgeous, strong, fierce, talented,
smart, mother of my children, I don't know.
It's her.
And then, knock knock knock.
Carol.
The woman who played Carol, Cate Blanchett
at the door, both of them infurious.
- Alright.
- Because they're both in love with me.
And I love them too,
but maybe they don't really get polyamory.
I have enough love to give but that's not enough for them.
And so they crush my body as I attempt
to get in the middle of them in this fight
and I'm literally crushed to death
by Cate Blanchett and Robin Wright's
strong future female bodies.
And in my last dying breath, I say,
"I love you."
And no one knows - Who knows who, oh my god!
- who I was talking to, maybe I was talking to both of them.
- Or neither, you could have been talking to yourself.
- Or to God, talking to God.
- This is a very hot idea.
- Thank you.
- The women described in your fantasy are both mature.
Is there an element of that
that you think plays into this?
Is there some sort of... - Yeah.
They have a nurturing feeling towards me
and they want to protect me but in this case,
their rage got the best of them
and they weren't able to protect me from themselves.
- So they, in this scenario,
you kind of view yourself as a
daughter lover. - Sacrificial lamb.
- My first thing is trampled by horny groupies.
- [Ally And Katie] Whoa!
- It's a rockstar but he caters to the music.
It's rockin', you can dance to it,
but also speaks to like your soul.
And it's stuff that's like personal,
like whoa, this guy came from--
- Is this slam poetry?
I mean this cadence come from.
Skk-ah, beep beep honk honk on the street.
- So this guy, he is up on stage.
He finishes his show.
But then, it's encore.
Whoa.
So he leaves.
But they actually think, oh he's gone,
because this guy never does encores.
He never does 'cuz he leaves you wanting more.
This is the sexy part, this part is sexiness.
And then he comes back and then they rush the stage.
And then, just, and then, just, you're just
surrounded by love and people who want to love you.
And they're ripping you apart
and you just get trampled. - Wait, so you get
ripped apart and trampled and suffocate?
- This is very evocative.
This is very... - It is hot.
What if while this is happening,
some of the groupies take off their clothes?
(group laughs)
Just a thought. Let's make this sexier.
- Yeah, they strip down. - Strip down.
- I think it turns into like an orgy but of death.
- My first idea is a sky diving boner.
Let me explain.
Picture this.
- I already am.
(Raphael laughs)
- You are sky diving as a hot person.
Picture you, but hotter. - How dare you.
- You are sky diving naked.
It's a bucket list type of a thing.
You jump from the plane and then it comes time.
So your bodily parts, your genitalia,
they're flying every which way.
The wind!
Picture it!
It's time for you to pull your parachute.
It doesn't work, here's the thing.
Below you has been a fashion shoot.
A bunch of male models who are naked
and have boners, of course.
They are below you.
- This isn't a fashion shoot, it's a porn shoot.
- Fashion show, porn shoot, whatever, they're models.
You land directly onto the boner of one of the male models.
You both die.
You both die, penetration.
- So it's not your boner that's skydiving.
- No!
- You're landing onto a boner.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- My mouth or sphincter going at terminal velocity collides
(Raphael laughs)
with the erect penis. - The boner.
- Hopefully, this gentleman is somehow, I guess, horizontal.
- He would be. - In this scenario.
- In this scenario, he might be lying on the ground
and letting his boner air out.
I don't know how boners work.
Hello, Brennan.
- Journey with me. - 'Kay.
- And imagine this scenario of a sex rebel.
- Hot.
- We find ourselves in a world in which
the overlords that govern our day to day lives have said
"There shall be no sex, there shall be no love.
There shall be no ass blasting or 69ing.
No rim jobs or fingering or mouth-on-mouth,
mouth-on-genital, genital-on-genital,
genital-on-butthole, butthole-on-mouth,
butthole-on-butthole."
(group laughs)
Now in this dystopian society,
one individual, one rebel
takes it upon themselves to travel the land
avoiding and evading the machinations of our evil overlords
to teach the people how to fuck.
- Mmhmm. - Yes!
- And how to fuck good.
- That's pretty, that's really good.
- Their death by firing squad
at the hands of the government,
blindfolded, looking so hot, whispers their last goodbye
to the people that they have instructed
in the art of pleasure.
And in one final blast of orgasm matter,
they perish from this earth. (Katie breathes heavy)
And in that gasp of death, a revolution begins
and a fire is lit.
- My god.
Brennan, that was powerful. No questions from me.
- None.
- That was great.
- Could be for thrills.
(group laughs)
- I just have to say
that one straight man's scary, dystopian future
is one lesbian's actual, literal past.
My answer is 1950's love.
I go back to the 1950s when gay people could not have sex.
I'm a closeted gay woman.
I make friends with other woman
who smokes outside when her children go to school.
And we're like, hey, we get to know each other,
and we're like, "this is more than a good friendship."
We start hooking up, we fall in love.
People find out about it.
They're going to ruin us,
they're going to take our kids away.
Our husbands are furious.
We're hiding in a garage in our final moments together.
It's a double murder-suicide but we fuck first.
(group chortles)
- That guy's trying to laugh. - And that is 1950's love.
- Did you see that coming? - I did not.
- Warner Brothers, get at me for the screenplay,
I have it!
It's called Sex Rebels.
- Um, I do think that is a beautiful story.
- Thank you. - And it does make me sad.
- Oh, which part? The part that it probably happened or...
- No, all of that. Maybe all of it.
You finally find the love of your life.
So attracted to each other.
- It's absolutely forbidden.
- Yes, yes.
- If you someone mentioned it,
you would be offended that they even
brought up homosexuality.
- This is beautiful.
But also very tragic and sad.
- We've had a lot of like reoccurring themes here.
Ideas of what is hot.
- Mine are not like yours at all.
- Oh yeah, I was gonna say--
- You guys, you need to change
your definition of sexy, clearly.
That is naked model's boners, out in the open!
- It is true, I appreciate that you went for the boner
since the three of us aren't necessarily,
that's not our first choice.
- But you are nude, so you're thinking...
- It's like, what?
- So you're thinking that you will, first of all--
- Guys, we have already gone past this idea.
We don't need to go back.
If you had something to say, you should've said it.
We've moved on and we're done here.
- Powerful erection that it doesn't snap or bend.
- Right, that's another thing. - Right into my completely
closed asshole. - Guys, guys, guys!
Guys, here's the thing. - Yeah, there's no way.
- Here's the thing!
We've already moved on from this question.
Raphael, will you please continue.
- Yes, with that introduction.
- Please flip over a card that says sky diving boner.
- Almost.
- Orgasm suffocation.
- This is very close to the five dimensional orgasm.
- What?! - Yeah, right.
- I got a lot of grief for five dimensional orgasm.
- But, while it was your turn to get it.
We didn't circle back and then give you grief.
- Orgasm suffocation.
Oh, Lord.
Okay, this is, it's two people,
and they're engaged in the ancient--
- Sex! - Yeah.
And so they're doing that.
(Raphael cackles)
What happens here is that your partner
is receiving so much pleasure from you specifically
that they lose control.
They accidentally murder you and that's how you die.
- In this scenario, I deliver one premium quality orgasm.
- Yes. - Yes.
- For my trouble, I am met with murder.
- Manslaughter.
Or murder in the second degree?
- How do you plan on this person getting murdered?
- Okay, so I'm gonna tell you,
I'ma be honest with you, if it's me,
it would be, uh, (laughs).
This sex talk is really making me, okay.
- I know.
- So, if it's me, it would be...
- Sure.
- Did you hear me? - Just say it!
- And then smash your face and you suffocate there.
- You shouldn't be afraid of that.
- This is wild.
- You know, we need to record this,
so you need to talk louder.
- The bottom. - Their legs.
- And this is your head. - This is your head.
So you see how you can get choked, like.
- Yeah, gams. - She's got great legs.
- Yeah, they're also called gams.
- I was like, her hip flexors,
her ability to close her legs seems very attractive.
- Yeah, yeah, 'cuz you were like,
(Ally screams)
- Okay, so. - This happens, Raph.
This happens to people. - This happens, my god.
- I think it's sexy.
(group laughs)
- Yeah, clearly, you could barely say it.
- Alright, great.
- Do you see it as a choking, as a long asphyxiation?
Or do you see it as my skull is cracked in half?
- I'd go with the suffocation aspect.
- [Ally] Oh, true. - Yeah, that's hotter.
- Because, yeah, because it's hotter.
And then your mom gets an open casket.
- That's nice.
- Alright, and we're back.
Sorry you guys couldn't hear that one, that was too sexy.
- Everyone, I have an extremely sexy idea.
This requires a great deal of explanation.
- No, it doesn't.
- No interruptions.
- Say it first.
- Burning bukkake.
(group laughs)
You're at home,
it's relax time, okay?
So you're just watching TV.
You think, "you know what? Clothes are restricting.
I'm gonna take off my clothes."
You take off your clothes and you're a very hot person.
A fire starts. A fire, okay?
And so you call the 911, "hello, fire."
And the, who are the people that come?
Firemen, all men, it's important for this story.
- Okay, guys.
- All men, firemen, come out to your apartment.
And uh-oh, there's no water in the building.
- So, no water in the building.
- No water in the building, no water outside.
- Water mains gone. - Waters gone.
- Truck empty of water.
- Truck empty.
This hot, very hot sexy person is naked and on fire.
What are we gonna do?
- Oh, your person is on fire? - Oh, is this you?
- You are on fire.
At this point, the flames have spread to your body.
Firemen get there, they arrive, uh-oh, there's no water.
Then they remember. - That's on them.
- They remember something.
"Cum is mostly water."
They've got boners-- - You got that?
- They've got boners because here's the thing,
they're looking at a hot person.
Even though you're on fire, you're still hot.
They can tell.
So they have boners, they cum all over you
to get out the flames.
Hot!
So they're cumming all over you,
the flames go out, you die of smoke inhalation.
- I don't know.
(group laughs)
- So, in other words, the fire completely extinguished,
I die hours later in the hospital of smoke inhalation.
- Wheezing. - Yes. Hard firemen.
- I would argue that this is the sexiest life
but what actually compromises the death in this scenario
is wheezing in a hospital bed from smoke damage
to your lungs. - Again, covered in the cum
of dozens of strangers. - That's hot!
- That part could be hot. - But that's not the death.
- That's not how you die.
- If you burned to death, then it would be the sexiest death
'cuz something sexy was happening to you.
- I'm sorry, yours is murder-suicide.
- Yeah?
- I'm sorry, your guys' is orgasm.
- [Ally] You're dying.
- This includes death!
The fire, okay?
What, do you want them to choke on the cum?
My god! Sure, that's how they die.
That's how they get you.
- That's tragic.
So the firemen, in trying to save me,
have clogged my respiratory system.
- Yeah, if it's that much, that actually makes sense.
Okay, I'm on board now. - Okay, are we on board now?
- Yeah, I'm on board, I'm on board.
- Your mouth is full of cum. - As long as--
- Now it is time to eliminate and rank.
Brennan, I turn to you first.
Which one of these do you think belongs in the Top 3?
- This is an answer that I wasn't sold on
when it was first presented. - Yes.
- But its potence is undeniable.
I have changed my mind, come around, on sky diving boner.
- Wow. - Oh my god!
- Ally, I turn to you.
- I'm gonna have to go with five dimensional orgasm.
- Yeah, that one's pretty good.
- Raphael, it's your turn.
- I'm gonna go with 1950's love.
- Excellent.
Now it is time for me to rank these.
At this time, I invite you to toss aside
the ones that have not been chosen.
Dramatically, please.
Toss it as dramatically...
- Somebody's gonna have to clean it up.
- Just do it, okay!
In third place, we have sky diving boner.
- Okay, that was very fair of you.
- In second place, we have 1950's love.
It was a little sad.
And in first place, five dimensional orgasm
because I can't imagine.
It would be so extreme I can't imagine
how sexy that would be.
- Something so unknown winning a popularity vote
is very funny to me.
We're all like...
- We have no idea what this means.
- What the fuck is this? Yes!
- That makes it sexy.
- We've done a fantastic job.
Thank you for watching, this has been the Rank Room.
Tune in next time and we'll answer
another of life's most important questions.
(click and spin)
- Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from CollegeHumor.
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