That's a really, really
nice round of applause,
but yeah, I gotta be honest with you,
it always feels weird to me
to get applause just for
you know, showing up for work.
(audience laughing)
I genuinely appreciate it, but it's just
I haven't really done anything.
You know to me . . .
it would be kind of like, you know
getting on a plane
and clapping for the pilot
'cause he took off.
(audience laughing)
Whenever I have to fly somewhere
my wife always says,
"Have a safe flight."
And I always say,
well, it's not my call.
(audience laughing)
I'll mention it to the pilot
when I swing by the cockpit
on the way to the back of the plane.
By the way,
I think I know people who
in first class, you know
pay more money to get first-class,
but I think the airline
should allow people in coach
to at least board the plane first,
you know?
- [Woman] Yay.
- Exactly,
'cause if you're flying coach
you know, there are people
doing better in life.
(audience laughing)
I just don't think
we should have to look
at them right before
we go on vacation.
(audience clapping)
You know, it's a buzz kill. Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Now, speaking of travel,
people think everybody
I talk to about comedy
and so forth
most people think
the hardest thing
about being a comedian
is getting up on stage
in front of an audience,
and that might be the case
for some folks,
but you know, not me.
I've always loved being the center
of attention no matter where I go.
That's why funerals have always
been a little harder for me.
(audience laughing)
I'm not proud of that, trust me I,
just incredibly insecure,
very desperate for attention,
so I don't wanna hear about
somebody else for an hour.
(audience laughing)
"You know, Bill was a good man."
Yeah well Bill didn't
take off work today.
(audience laughing)
I know that's a dark joke
(audience laughing)
and karma is real
'cause my eight year old
daughter Skylar
is just like me
and that's why I don't like her
to be honest with you.
(audience laughing)
She's the best,
but she is like me.
She loves being
the center of attention.
In fact, she was actually
upset when we told her
she was gonna have a little sister
a couple of years ago.
Four years old, she was depressed
and I said, well, honey,
now you know how I felt
when you got here.
(audience laughing)
Our plan, my wife and I,
our plan was to have one child
if we were lucky enough to have one,
but then after we had one
we were like,
we both decided that we,
well we both
wanted to have a favorite, so.
(audience laughing)
Well, what I was gonna say was
the hardest part
about being a comedian,
for me personally,
just being away from home.
I got a wonderful wife,
we have beautiful kids.
I used to love flying,
but now everything bothers me
about flying 'cause
I'm away from home,
so now everything gets on my nerves.
Even the emergency row bothers me
and I used to love the
emergency row on a plane
'cause you get all that room.
You don't have to do anything
and I realized what bothers me
about the emergency row now is that
I think if you're in the emergency row
and they ask you if you're willing
and able to help out
in the event of an emergency
I think you should be able to,
you know
look around at the people
you might have to help before
you give your answer.
(audience laughing)
Look, I don't care where you're from,
what your beliefs are.
I think we all can agree
that some people
just aren't worth saving.
(audience laughing)
You ever wonder
what's the worst they could do,
if something goes wrong
and you don't hang around
to keep your promise?
(audience laughing)
Call you a liar while you're surviving?
(audience laughing)
"You said you'd help us."
And you said we'd land safely,
good luck.
(audience laughing)
I also think that people
that work airport security
should look better,
when you think about all the health
and beauty products they take away.
(audience laughing)
Hey, before you throw
my aftershave in the garbage
why don't you slap some
on yourself, lady.
(audience laughing)
I'm just...
I'm still upset 'cause I
I'm still upset cause
I had a corkscrew
taken away from me
in an airport years ago
and by the way, I don't always travel
with a corkscrew.
I have a lot of problems,
but that's not one of them.
(audience laughing)
It was a wedding gift.
I was going to go flying out
to Los Angeles for a wedding,
and I had a corkscrew.
It was a wedding gift,
it was in my carry on.
I didn't think it was an issue,
apparently it was,
and the guy took it
and first of all,
he looked at me like he caught me.
As if a corkscrew would
be my weapon of choice
if I wanted to . . .
(audience laughing)
and then what really got me
was he said, "What's this for?"
(audience laughing)
I said, I'm constipated.