Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me this week for another video
I am super excited and I have a ton of energy today, so I didn't have coffee
It's just one of those days where I'm just hyped up on life, I guess
Or maybe I've just been getting a lot of sleep, but my energy level has been like through the roof today
So I'm trying to like keep it peppy for you
But also maybe tone it down a little but anyways this week I want to dive into self sabotaging behavior
And so I want to go over ways that we do sabotage our relationships, right?
and I also want to go over the difference between fear and
Intuition now before I get started if you haven't already don't forget to click on the subscribe button below
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So self-sabotaging behavior is a really great topic because we all have goals we all have dreams
we all have things that we want in our lives whether it's a specific career, whether it's you know,
How much money we want to make it here? Whether it's a relationship. It doesn't really matter
So some of our goals or dreams
Can actually give us momentum to like fight through any fear stress or doubt and keep pushing through
Until we get to where we want to be
Then there are other aspects of our lives that when we have this goal
We have this vision in this dream when we start getting close to it. We get so scared
For many reasons, you know the fear of losing it the fear of abandonment and relationships
Really? It's just the fear of
Losing something not having something or something not happening for us
Right our saw our low confidence or low self-esteem might come into play
That we might have a story that tells us that we're not worthy and we don't feel worthy of it
Whatever it is that's going on inside all of that stuff combined
We'll start to
Basically put up walls and will prevent us from moving forward
So one of the number-one signs of someone who is self sabotaging themselves is the person that over thinks so overthinking is a self
Sabotaging tactic that we use in an attempt to try to avoid pain
So if I can overthink a situation and I can try to play out every scenario that way I can pick the best
Scenario that will cause me the least amount of pain and the most pleasure
Then everything will be peachy keen and life will be great. What ends up happening when we overthink is we actually create scenarios of
Situations that aren't even in existence that are not even happening yet
So now we're creating scenarios of things that cause us more fear than they do
you know the momentum and the
Confidence to believe that something's going to happen for us. Right. So when we're we're thinking we're not really overthinking
scenarios that are joyous ones and where everything works out for us and you know
This is really gonna happen and I'm fighting through all that fear and everything like that when we're overthinking we're coming from the insecurities
We're coming from lack. We're coming from worry
We're coming from fear
And we create scenarios that aren't really even happening and which cause us to feel debilitated to not take action
Towards the things that we really want in our lives. So now if I'm prone to overthinking that means that I obsessively
think about certain scenarios and when I do this
what is up happening is I'm obsessively thinking about my partner and all the ways that this could go wrong and
maybe just starting to like nitpick out my partner and examine them in all of these ways that become obsessive and
So what ends up happening is in my mind because of these scenarios?
I'm causing more fear, and I'm not wanting to be around this person
I'm not wanting to be in this relationship because I'm linked these scenarios that are that are playing in my mind that I'm overthinking
These scenarios now become so real because I've given it so much attention and energy that I have pretty much
Laid out the foundation of what I think is going to happen
And what ends up happening is your biggest fear has become your reality now. I know what most of you are thinking
well, what's the difference between
fear, you know me playing out these scenarios with this person me thinking that this person's good and maybe now I'm feeling that they're not
Or whatever. So let's get into what the difference is between fear and intuition
So remember your fear thoughts come from your ego the difference between fear and intuition fear comes with a story
so if you've been burned if you've been abandoned if you've been left if you've been let down if you've
Experienced true heartbreak then you're going to attach love and relationships
You're gonna attach pain with love and relationships which creates a story now because the ego is designed to keep you safe
And it's linking, you know Danger Danger when you get too close to people or danger when you get in relationships, or you know
Love is dangerous and you can't trust people or whatever, right? The story is that you're playing over and over again?
The ego is holding all of that. And so it wants to keep you safe
So it's linked pain pain relationships equal pain
And so whenever you get close it's going to stop you and it's gonna bring up all these fear thoughts
it's gonna bring up all this, you know stress and anxiety and overthinking and
Nitpicking at your partner because it wants to keep you safe
It doesn't want you to experience the pain that you've once felt before now with your intuition
So remember the fear versus intuition fear there's a story attached to it
you know all men cheat I've been cheated on before this is probably gonna happen again, but now
Intuition is just a knowing so we can't know if someone's gonna abandon us
We can't know if someone's gonna leave us. We can't know any of those things
All we can know is based off of what we know about this person right here right now
Is this person good for me? Is this person healthy for me?
How do I feel when I'm around this person your feelings the way your body?
responds to people in energy says everything so
with intuition
you might feel fear but
Your you're more excited about this person. Then you are fearful of this person and this stitch or this situation
So think of a time
When you went to go do something and you just had just a knowing just a knowing there's a voice inside of you
That's saying this just isn't right. It's the voice isn't screaming at you. The voice isn't saying danger danger
The voice isn't like trying to manipulate you and tell you all these stories as to why you shouldn't do something
You just have a knowing that like this just doesn't feel right, you know
So that's your intuition talking when you get true true anxiety about something, you know, take a step back and ask yourself
Where is this anxiety coming from is this intuition which my intuition is telling me like stop it
Please stop and I'm telling you that this isn't right for you, or are these like fear-based thoughts?
that are causing you to feel this way, or do you have the feeling like
You want to be with this person?
You're excited to see this person you miss this person and you're happy around them
But there's like this story that's playing on the background that's keeping you from like really being open to this person
So you have to really slow down and be able to have these conversations with yourself next thing that we do that really?
contributes to self sabotaging behavior is
Unhealed wounds. So if you have unhealed wounds and you're just walking around living life then
You're going to create these fear-based
scenarios
now because like I said earlier the ego wants to keep you safe because you've been through pain before and so now it's saying
Okay
Relationship equals our relationship equals pain or getting too close to someone equals pain or being vulnerable with someone equals pain
It's going to do a few things to kind of manipulate you to make you feel like okay? Yeah, it's it's this relationship
It's this person. It's just not right for you when it's really not the person or the relationship
It's the self sabotaging behavior that your ego is trying to do. So one of the first things is picking fights
So when we start picking fights with our partner
There's an underlining issue that's going on there and it's usually within yourself
so when we start kind of knit picking at each other and all of a sudden this tiny little pebble of a
discussion now turns into a full-blown
argument and like a fight where we're not talking for days or anything like that and you're like
What are we even fighting about when that stuff starts to happen?
What's going on is?
Possibly one or both people have an unhealed wound that's inside of them and that wound is coming to the surface and that wound
They're fighting these two wounds are fighting each other now because it's not about the little pebble that we're arguing about
It's the bigger underlining issue that sometimes both people don't even know actually exists because they're not willing to go deep within them
Within their own selves to find out what's really going on inside of me that I'm nitpicking
With this person and going back and forth with them
This next one is probably one of my favorites because I know that I've done this in past relationships
And this is when we pick at people's flaws so to speak
So this is when we're in a relationship with someone and we're just looking at them and all of a sudden we noticed
You have a weird toe or your nose
does this weird thing or when you eat you make this annoying sound and we start like nitpicking these like flaws that
We think are within this person when they're not really flaws
they're just things that make them who they are and we start nitpicking so much that we begin like questioning our
Relationship questioning this person. Like can I deal with that toe? Like can I deal with you making this noise forever and ever and so
Again, this is fear-based self sabotaging tactics
This is behavior
but self sabotaging
behaviors that we begin doing
to start nitpicking at this person so we can convince ourselves that there's something wrong with this person and we shouldn't be with them the
Next way that our unhealed wounds can sabotage our relationship is we begin to withdraw from our partner in our relationship
So this is where there's nothing that's happened
there's no red flags, but you
knowingly
Consents that this relationship is starting to evolve that we're starting to get deeper
We're starting to get closer to each other. And again a lot of this stuff is done unconsciously
We're not consciously aware
That because we're wanting like distance from this person that this is the reason why we want distance from this person
What's really going on here is we want distance from them? Because like I said, there's no red flags
There's nothing going on but the relationship could possibly start evolving into something more serious
and that scares us and when we're so scared of the feeling of possibly getting in this relationship and
Maybe going through some of the heartbreak and pain that we have once experienced
Again, that's gonna debilitate us. It's gonna want us to put a pause on moving forward in a relationship
This is where sometimes the person
Doesn't want to be with our partner as much they want to be with their friends, or they're not planning
You know fun things to do with their partner anymore. They're just not putting the time and the effort into this relationship
This comes after
We have we're picking fights with them
After we start picking at them and all their flaws and nitpicking so much that we're like is this person right for me?
Can I deal with this person? So because we're playing all these fear-based
Stories in our mind we've created a scenario now where this person isn't right for me
that we're I'm picking we're picking out each other and I'm picking fights with this person and
They have this weird toe and they do this thing that like really annoys me
But it has nothing to do with like who they are their core their character and how I feel around them
We're just picking so much that now we've convinced ourselves that this person isn't right for us and we begin withdrawing from the relationship
So the only way to stop yourself from self sabotaging is to know what you want
so
If I know exactly what I want if I know how I want to feel when I'm with someone and as long as I feel
That way when I'm with this person doesn't mean that this person is gonna be perfect. But at their core they're a good person
They have good character. They treat me
Well, you know
We have a great foundation of trust and a great friendship and we're able even when we have arguments
We're able to still take a step back and communicate with each other effectively
If all of those boxes are checked off and you still find yourself
Nitpicking and picking fights and you know wanting to withdraw and you you have to be a where that you're doing those things
So if you know that majority the stuff is good
But you feel this like fear coming through you have to be able to acknowledge
That that's fear and you have to be able to acknowledge where that fear is coming from
Now the root of all of these fears could very well come from a past experience, right it could come from okay
Well, I was burned in my last relationship and I don't want to experience that again
so now I have this fear of it happening again that
Fear could have lived with you even before that
Relationship even happened and usually the fears that we have of the fear of abandonment fear of intimacy kur being vulnerable
Really stem from our childhood
So if you had unhealthy childhood attachments to your parents where possibly you know
You didn't feel seen or someone wasn't emotionally there for you, or maybe someone did abandon you whatever it is
Doesn't mean mom and dad were bad people
it just means that they weren't able to always connect with you the way that you needed to be connected with right maybe a
lot of the love that you received was conditional love that when you got the a in school and
you were a good boy or a good girl all the time the dinner table or
you were the star athlete that you got praise and love and attention and
You felt that that was the only way that you could get those things. And so the
insecurity and codependency tends to form in you because
That's how you sought. Love you
Sought love based off of what can I give you if I give you all of these things and you give me love and approval?
and
You're there for me then
I need to keep being a good boy or girl and I need to keep doing all these things to make you happy and
When that didn't happen, someone rejected you someone abandoned you someone wasn't there for you
So you created the story as a child is programming that like I always say like relationships equal equal pain
So when we have that story based off of a past experience or based off of a childhood wound
and we're not aware that that's the moon that we have when we go in relationships when we sell and we start
Sabotaging them. We don't even realize what we're doing. We're just going off of fear, and we're going off of old programming
We're not consciously making decisions in our so we have to know okay, I have a fear
I have a fear of abandonment. Okay, like some dad left mom left
I have this fear mom wasn't really ever there for me
and when I got into our relationship someone left me like we have to be able to acknowledge that stuff within ourselves and
When we do get into relationships again
As long as the relationship is a good relationship and you don't see red flags
and for the most part
You feel good and you're trying to just date maybe and learn things about this person and all of a sudden this fear starts coming
Back you have to be able to acknowledge like oh the fears here
It's coming and it's trying to sabotage me and you have to stop it in its tracks
It's not easy stuff to do but it is easy when you start really getting to know yourself
You have to know yourself inside and out. You are your own best friend?
So you have to know I'm insecure and I'm codependent sometimes and you have to know when you are being that way
So, I hope that that has helped you guys understand the difference between fear and intuition
I hope that you have got more insights as to how we can sabotage our relationships good relationships
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