- What does this mean?
- [Video Narrator] What does this mean?
- It's so bright, it's so vivid.
- [Video Narrator] So bright and vivid
- A full-on quadruple rainbow across the sky
comes to us from Perez Hilton's ass.
- Hey boys.
- Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, please,
welcome comedian actor, David Koechner.
David.
- Oh, hey. How are you?
- I'm good. Did I wake you?
- Oh, I'm sorry, I just was asleep one night. I'm sorry.
I was like, I came in here to do the chat and I fell asleep.
Your brother's in town with his kids
and I can't sleep anywhere.
Quiet!
- Dave.
- I'm doing a TV show.
- How'd you come up with the idea--
- I'm sorry, what is it?
- How'd you come up with the idea
for doing these flower shop videos?
- Oh, it's just, they're based in reality.
So it's kind of a reality based comedy routine
from actual events of my life.
- Well, they're very funny. Thank you, David.
Let's roll the clip.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Well? You?
- Good. I'd like a bouquet of red roses
for my wife and I would like the card,
it goes in the card.
- Oh sure
- Yeah. I'd like the card to read
"(beep) you and (beep) your family."
Wait. Oh, oh, I know.
Do this new card, right, right.
"(beep) you."
- Okay.
- Okay. And then get another card
and it'll be just behind that card in the envelope.
And it'll say, "and (beep) your family."
So when she gets it, she opens it up like
"(beep) you." Ooh!
And then she sees the next one. Ba-boom!
"And (beep) your family too".
And then the flowers would be like, Oh,
I thought there was something good,
but it's kind of like the third (beep) you,
cause then she realizes,
Oh, these are sarcastic flowers.
I'm just kidding.
Just put those away. Throw those away.
Right,
to my loving wife,
I'm so happy that your family is visiting for the holidays.
Love,
David.
- Hey Kristin.
Thanks for doing this.
- Thanks for having me,
- Oh, you're welcome.
What's your short about?
- It's me making fun of my bitch Persona
on the Hills.
- People call you a bitch?
- A super bitch. - All right. That is not true
You are an angel.
Let's watch.
- Hello, I'm Kristen Cavallari,
and welcome to unsolicited advice.
Starring me. Since I know how to get what I want,
I'm offering my unsolicited advice
to celebrities and political figures in the news.
Let's see what's going on.
Obama's having problems
getting this healthcare thing passed.
He keeps asking the Republicans for help.
Lots of loser move.
You asked nice, you asked twice.
God, people will not shut up
about the whoring around of John
from John & Kate Plus Eight.
If I were Kate, I'd change my name to Catherine
and throw that dorks collection of Ed Hardy (beep)
in the yard and then light it on fire.
Funny people opens this week.
Being funny is just how ugly people get laid, right?
My advice to funny people,
get different genetics and quit being so desperate.
Here's some advice for golfers,
after you sink the putt, fill in the hole.
You want the next guy to be (beep) up, don't you?
Sarah Palin, no advice for you, girl.
Guess it's time for viewer mail.
My mom can't come to my half birthday party
because her boyfriend is in the hospital.
Should I be cool with this?
Half birthdays are incredibly important.
You need to send a card that says, "I hope he dies
in time for you to make it. Love, your daughter."
I've just gotten into acting
and I'm attending my first premiere.
Any tips on getting noticed?
That's a toughie.
The vag flush used to work, but so played out.
Whoever's the first to figure out
how to flash your butt hole...
Let's say you're gonna get a lot of attention.
Okay, I'm out.
I have to go give people dirty looks
at a restaurant opening.
- Hey buddy.
- Are you there? Hello.
- Yeah, Fred, I'm here.
How's it going?
- Hello.
- I can't hear you, am I supposed to see you?
I don't see.
I see nothing here.
- Fred, we see--
- I think the microwave might be interfering
with this thing.
- I'm positive it's not that, Fred, tell us about--
- I can't hear you and I can't see anything.
- Maybe if I talk louder.
- They can play around with this camera.
- Fred.
- I want to tell him
about the little video I made about my celebrity photos.
It's pretty unique.
- Okay, Fred, please tell us about your clip.
Here's a minute with Fred Willard.
- When I started out as an actor.
I realized I was getting very self-involved
and a friend of mine said, "Fred get a hobby, buy a camera.
You're going to meet a lot
of celebrities over the years, take pictures,
they'll be cherished memories."
And sure enough, two weeks later
I was in Times Square and I met Charlie Chaplin.
I said, "sir, would you honor me by taking a photo?"
Which he took with his trembling hands.
And I still value this picture today.
I got a lot of pictures here, Christopher Walk and I met
in a restaurant in Toronto.
He took a picture and erupted.
Here's me meeting Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,
who is a heck of a lot taller
than I thought he was.
You see, I was staring at his belt buckle...
World's champion, something.
This picture of me the day my daughter was born
which I'll to always remember, Tom Hanks was
at the hospital, and I asked him to take the picture.
Sure he was very gracious.
And here's a beauty.
John Lennon took a picture of me and Yoko Ono.
It's not the Yoko, but it's another Yoko Ono.
- Mr. Willard,
we don't mean to intrude.
- We are such big fans.
- We watched you last night that your bedroom window.
- But we didn't want to trouble you.
- That's all right.
- Could we trouble you now for a picture?
- Sure. Here you go.
And... have a nice day.
(background music)
- Whenever someone pitches a joke that I don't like,
they have to get up on the table
and dance their heart out for one minute.
Now, there's one writer who gets particularly
upset whenever he has to do this.
And for good reason,
he appears to have scoliosis or rickets,
possibly both.
- Who wrote "my God," right in the head,
- That was me
- Alright, that's not even a joke,
now get on the table.
- Three, two, one.
- I'm sure you all agree that was painful.
I felt so bad for him
and his family, that I hired a new writer named Chris,
just to help him get his groove back.
- No, I'm sorry. You know the rules.
- (beep) you though, it's funny.
(hip music)
(background music)
(Latin music)
- That's not how you check for lumps,
you use two fingers.
Looks like somebody got an advanced copy
of Rock Band Titties.
You think that's bad? After this he put on
Alejandro by lady Gaga.
Big deal.
That guy's playing the bongos.
I know for fact,
Tommy Lee has a whole drum kit like that at his house.
- ♪ One, two, three, four ♪
(percussion playing)
- Yes!
(background music)
- Darrel, I think
you really found your voice out there, but what works best
for you, is Darell being Darell.
The world wants to know, are you ready to give another shot?
- Yes, I am.
- Well you're going to get that shot
on the greatest talk show of all time.
- Welcome to a very special new creation
of the Arsenio Hall Show.
Let's find out who the dog pound is tonight.
There they are.
(public vocalizing)
They're the people who thought
the Jeff Dunham show was still on the air.
- No, no. That's not what we are.
- My first guest is a young comic
who is taking the country by storm.
He's making his network television debut,
right here right now.
Please welcome Mr. Darrell, blew it.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- I went to the mall,
and there was this real fat white lady
trying on a Mickey mouse shirt.
I'm a black guy.
And even I thought that she was too fat.
She was so fat,
when she put the shirt on, Mickey mouse got diabetes.
I mean, Nikki had a camel toe.
I was like, you need a top, honey.
Get over to the sports chalet, camping section.
(indistinct)
Thank you and good night.
(public shouting)
- Come on over, you're going to sit right here?
Let me ask you a question. You've been
in Hollywood,
you've been working on your craft,
how has this total experience been for you?
- Oh, it's been awful, man.
It's been great, and meeting you as he been even better
you know, dreams can come true and right.
You know, dude, change thing, you know it.
- It does.
And you keep working hard on your craft.
Touch that. You number one brother, in my book.
- Ah, Okay. Thank you.
- Arsenio still got it.
(background music)
- Terrell.
Hey.
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you.
- Oh, did you buy that suit off the rack?
It is wonderful.
Thank you.
Hey, why'd you prerecord all your apologies.
Well it was just something that came up and
you know, thought it'd be a good idea.
- Well, we're excited to have you on our show
and thanks for the clip.
- Thank you. Thanks for having me.
- How you guys doing, it's going to be a busy season.
I figured I'd get all my future apologies out
of the way right now.
So let's begin.
I would like to apologize to my teammates and the coach
for my excessive celebrations.
I guess I'm the only one that gets excited.
I would like to apologize for the Joe Buck show.
Someone needs to apologize for that shit.
I'm sorry to ESPN sports center, for dominating
your highlights all the time.
I know I'm really awesome and I make awesome plays.
But in interest of fairness, you got to show other people.
Sorry about windows Vista,
it's not the operating system i thought it would be.
I apologize for the stock market, the housing market
and the cash only policy at most farmer's markets.
To the fans of M. Night Shyamalan,
I'm sorry for everything up to 60 cents.
I'm sorry for that touchdown dance where I had sex
with your girlfriend,
that was really rude.
Remember when we were slow dancing
to Chris de Burgh's masterpiece, Lady in Red
and suddenly smelled like farts.
And I tried to blame it on the couple next to us.
Well, guess what? It was me,
and I apologize. Given the ball, I'm always open.
(background music)
♪ It's Friday, Friday. Gotta get down on Friday ♪
♪ Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend ♪
♪ Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday ♪
♪ Today it is Friday, Friday ♪
♪ Party and party. Party and party ♪
♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun. Looking forward to the weekend ♪
- Big thank you to Ed Sheeran.
- Cheers mate.
- Up next in our tiny desk concert series,
is America's original viral
sweetheart. Please welcome.
Miss Rebecca Black.
- When are we supposed to beg people for money
when we have a concert going on every two seconds?
- Hey
(drum rolling)
- That's enough!
Take it down a few notches, you big gorilla.
My apologies, Rebecca
the NPR tiny desk office band is really amped to see you.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Okay. Let's start off with one of your songs.
How about call me maybe?
- That was Carly Rae Jepsen.
- Huh, okay. Gangnam style.
- No
- Harlem shake.
- No
- Pants on the ground
- No
- What does the Fox say?
- No, no.
- Shallow?
- Yes, that was me and Bradley Cooper.
- Okay.
- No, I'm the girl who sang Friday.
- Ooh, not a fan. Do you have any new music?
- Yes I do.
- Did you write the lyrics?
- To Friday?
- No.
- You made dollar amount on that song.
- No. - Do you know what it is?
- No.
- I'm curious.
I mean, it was, it was pretty good, right?
For a 13 year old has to be huge.
- It's fine.
- Buy a car, type of money?
- I did.
- Okay. Not to rehash too many bad memories,
but what were some of like the crazy things
people would write out to you?
- Everything. People are really good
at pinpointing things that you don't like about yourself
that you don't even know you don't like about yourself
until somebody says it.
- Do you blame me for making people aware of the video,
or do you give us credit
for making it? - I do give you credit.
- Well, give us credit for it. We were obviously...
Let's not, you know, we weren't like, Oh my God
this is the greatest song in the world.
We were like, look at this. This is insanity.
- I mean, it was a little bit insane.
- I mean, some of the lyrics are silly.
- Yeah.
♪ Kicking in the front seat, sitting in the back seat ♪
♪ Gotta make my mind up, which seat can I take ♪
- Who did your favorite cover of Friday?
- I think Jimmy Fallon
♪ Friday, it is Friday, Friday ♪
- If I couldn't tell a joke, I would do it.
That's what I would say to him.
He wouldn't remember, too drunk.
I'm teasing.
He's (indistinct) or not.
What do you feel when you listen to Friday now?
- It's cute.
- You ever been out somewhere and they like, people play it
- [Rebecca] Yes!
- just to torture you?
- Yes. I was in the gym in a workout class,
and yeah, he played Friday and I was like, please.
- That happens to me in spins class.
They'll always put all my comedy albums at soul cycle
and I'm like, come on guys, play the next track.
I like it better.
How come Friday's?
The restaurant never gave you an endorsement.
- That's a great question. - I also, I'm not a big fan
of them ever since they switched from TGI.
I always liked saying TGI Fridays.
- You did?
- Well, you know why they took it out?
- I think because--
- Because of God?
- Yeah, and (beep) stupid people in the South.
They're like, are they... is
that restaurant using God's name in vain?
We're going to go get her tater skins over Bennigan's.
Now I understand you haven't performed Friday
in over 13 years.
- That's not true
- Here to perform Friday, live
for the first time in over 13 years.
I, I so excited.
Take it away,
Rebecca Black.
- One, two, three.
♪ It's Friday, Friday. Gotta get down on Friday ♪
♪ Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend ♪
♪ Party, party, and ♪
- Yeah!
♪ Party, and party, and ♪
- Yeah!
♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun ♪
♪ Looking forward to the weekend ♪
♪ Yesterday it was Thursday ♪
- Thursday.
♪ Today it is Friday ♪
- Friday
- [Rebecca] Come on. Thank you!
♪ We, we so excited ♪
♪ We're so excited ♪
♪ I don't want this weekend to end ♪