Thank you.
Well hello, everybody.
My name is John Mulaney.
It's very nice to be here, very nice to be out of the house,
at night in general for me.
I actually quite drinking a few months ago,
because, yeah thank you for your support,
(audience laughing)
but what had happened was I got to a point
where I was blacking out every time I drank,
and I went to talk to my doctor about it,
and he said that it wasn't that I was drinking too much,
it's just that after you have a couple major blackouts,
your brain will blackout easier and easier automatically.
So like, I could go to a bar,
and have like one or two beers,
and my brain would be like,
"Okay, I see where this is headed.
Why don't we just power down now,
and then get restarted sometime tomorrow morning?"
It was always weird when I would go out for the night,
with like some money, and then blackout,
and wake up with no money.
It was even weirder though,
when I would go out for the night with some money,
blackout, and wake up with more money.
(audience laughing)
Because, that means that I earned money.
(audience laughing)
And, that means that I traded goods, and or services.
Which is scary, but sometimes I'd almost be proud of it,
I'd be like, "Wow, I turned $20 into $100.
I am a financial wizard."
Like, I'd like to give people money advice,
but I don't know how that would go,
they'd be like, "John, I'm looking to get rich quick."
And I be like, "Well, have you tried mixing daiquiris
with Ambien?"
(audience laughing)
They're like, "Does that work?"
And, I'm like, "It didn't not work."
(audience laughing)
Stay home now, and I watch "Law and Order".
That is my favorite show.
I realized "Law and Order" was my favorite show,
when I was in my fourth consecutive hour
of "Law and Order".
I figured this better be my favorite,
otherwise I have a problem.
Best thing about "Law and Order" though,
is that the same things happen on every episode.
Every single episode, it's like watch it next time,
in the beginning of every "Law and Order",
when the detective are like first interviewing witnesses
for the case, the people they talk to always act
like it's no big deal to be questioned
by homicide detectives.
They're very casual about it.
There's been like double rape and murder,
and they're talking to some guy, who's just like,
"Tony Ramirez?
Yeah, I remember him.
Use to work here Tuesdays, right?"
It's like, Dude, people have died!
(audience laughing)
You can't stop unloading crates for a few seconds?
(audience laughing)
(audience appaulds)
How often do you talk to homicide detectives?
And then, they'll let some detail about case go
that they don't even realize is important.
He'll be like, "Well, did he say where he was going?'
"I don't know, he said somethin' about going
to the knife store."
Yeah, knife store.
Knife store pertains to the stabbing investigation.
(audience laughing)
I grew up catholic.
I had to go to catholic schools.
We had, yeah sure, we had Bible study class
in the school I went to.
Every week Bible study class,
and one Bible story I've always remembered,
is the story of King Solomon and the baby.
I don't know if you guys remember this one.
King Solomon, he's the wise king of Israel,
and two women bring him a baby,
and they say, "We both claim that this is our baby.
What are you gonna do?"
And Solomon says,
"Well, we will cut the baby down the middle."
And the first woman says, "Oh, okay."
And the other woman says,
"No, don't cut the baby down the middle."
And Solomon says, "Ah-ha, congratulations,
you have proven yourself to be the real mother."
A couple things with that,
(audience laughing)
One, who is this first woman?
Yeah it's like, "Yeah, cut the baby in half,
that sounds like a good idea."
Like what kind of awful woman has just stolen a baby,
she's stole a baby,
and then at the first inquest she's like,
"look I'll take what I can get.
Can I get the legs?
I'll take the legs, she can have the top part."
She's so whacked out, she calls the head "the top part".
Secondly, that he knew it was the real mother,
'cause she knew not to cut a baby in half.
Oh, I think most people would come to that conclusion.
Like if I was walking down the street,
and I saw someone about to saw a child in half,
I'd be like, "Hey, why don't you not do that?"
And they'd be like. "Oh, you must be the father,
well congratulations."
Thank you very much, everybody.
I'm John Mulaney.
(audience appaulds)
Thank you.
That's hilarious.
Thank you. Yeah, thank you, so much.
Very funny John Mulaney.
We'll take a break.
We'll be right--