One of the things I turn to
when I'm going through the hardest stuff,
for me was self-soothing coping mechanisms.
How do I not feel this?
How do I
numb?
How do I even like, actually feel really good?
That's the thing is like, who doesn't wanna feel good?
Like feeling good is,
feels good and feeling bad, feels bad.
And that's the big, and like,
that's one of the things
that I think,
you know, jumping right into it with no shame,
like I've been very open about the fact that, you know,
toward the end of my illness
I developed a serious addiction to benzodiazepines,
to Klonopin.
Like I was addicted to antianxiety medication.
I was a good old fashioned pill head.
I was like, that is what I like to call it
because I don't think
that there needs to be a cute word for it,
because I don't think that we should have shame.
It's like, if you think about it
feeling bad feels bad, feeling good feels good.
No one should be ashamed about wanting to get out of pain.
And what addiction is,
is like a desire to get out of pain
and not having the tools to get out of pain.
And almost no one is given the proper tools
by their parents, by their teachers,
by the infrastructure of this country
and how we deal with mental health to get out of pain.
And I was really lucky I have an amazing family.
I've been in therapy since I was a kid
but somewhere along the path of my twenties
the way that my career swept me up,
what I thought the expectations
or what I thought the expectations were
the way that people were looking at me
how I thought I had to perform.
I just remember being so terrified
of the idea of disappointing people
that really for me at first,
I was like if I can take these drugs
and they make me more like myself,
isn't that a better thing?
And then suddenly I realized I was becoming less
and less like myself.
And suddenly it was like sobriety wasn't a choice for me
I was thrust into it,
because I realized there was no other way
that I was going to get back to the life that I loved.
And so, in a way it was
I love to think it was this very Zen Choice.
Like, you know what,
I think I'm just gonna have a dry January
and then it turned into a dry,
but no, it was like, girl, you gotta get it together.
And then, but it turned out to be like
the greatest thing I ever did.
Like I'm almost three years out.
I feel blessed that
it's not something that I don't sit around every day
wishing I had like a high ball in my hand or something.
I am the greatest friends
of my life have come out of sobriety.
That's not to say
that life is perfect every day
but it's almost like I compare it to like
in sobriety you're building this,
your life is like this boat and you're building this boat
and it's not that issues don't come along
but it's like the boats just kind of floating
on nice water and then you're testing it.
And you're seeing like, does it actually work?
And then like a huge wave comes along and you're like
Oh crap, that didn't sink.
Like we built a pretty good boat.
And I feel that way, every time something big or scary
or challenging comes along sobriety.
I'm like that boat's,
that boat still up, that boots still bobbing.
The boat, perfect.
The wave, I get it.
I so get it.
Did you have the voice of, I know this is not working.
I'm sabotaging.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not well,
but shh.
I'm gonna fix it.
I'll get through the day, just shut up voices.
I know what you're telling me.
I hear you, but I'm not listening,
or was it denial and then the aha moment, which path?
100%, the first one you're describing,
like especially when I would lay down in bed at night
it would just be like, this is a disaster.
And you know I regret,
in a certain way I regret nothing.
The only things I regret in life
are the moments that I've hurt people.
I think all the moments that I've hurt myself
were probably pretty educational to be frank.
I had times in my life where I think,
you know maybe there's the on top of the world
and then
as you were
and whether it's subconscious or conscious
I guess that is the question you have burn it all down.
I have a really interesting
as I'm sure many of us do relationship
between the people pleaser in me and the rebel in me
who are always doing a dance with each other.
And I think you may enjoy a little bit of that too.
I see you grooving to the same song.
And so I think there was a part of me that was like
I don't know how to get out of this phase of my life.
I only know how to like pull the rip cord.
And I'm not saying anyone should feel sorry for me for that.
It just is the truth.
(upbeat music)