>> Stephen: WELCOME!
W, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW," ESPECIALLY "ALL."
ONE WOULD BE TOO FEW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, WE HAVE ALL BEEN UP TO OUR EARLOBES IN COVID
PRECAUTIONS FOR A YEAR.
BUT NOW, THERE'S A NEW CONTAGION SWEEPING THE COUNTRY: AMERICA'S
GOT A BAD CASE OF THE HOPES!
THANKS TO NEW VACCINE AVAILABILITY, WE'RE STARTING TO
SEE THE SYRINGE AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
THOUGH JOHNSON & JOHNSON HAS A NEW VACCINE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE
THE CAPACITY TO PRODUCE THE VOLUME OF DOSES THAT AMERICA
NEEDED.
SO, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION CONVINCED RIVAL COMPANY MERCK TO
HELP PRODUCE JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S SINGLE-SHOT CORONAVIRUS VACCINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF A BOLD NEW ERA OF PHARMACEUTICAL
CROSSOVERS, LIKE DAYQUIL-VIAGRA.
YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN: YOUR COLD JUST GOT HOT: GET UP AND
GO!
THIS NEW CAPACITY MEANS, WELL, TELL THEM WHAT IT MEANS, JOE.
>> WE'RE NOW ON TRACK TO HAVE ENOUGH VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY
ADULT IN AMERICA BY THE END OF MAY.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SO MUCH SOONER THAN ANYBODY THOUGHT!
WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY DOSE?
♪ IT'S GONNA BE MAY ♪ >>0SlGENERAL TIMBERLAKE.
#FREE BRITNEY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO MAKING A PUSH TO GET ALL TEACHERS
INOCULATED BY THE END OF MARCH.
SO IF I'M AN EDUCATOR, WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY
DOSE?
♪ IT'S GONNA BE ♪...
>> MARCH.
>> Stephen: IN OTHER GOOD NEWS: DOLLY PARTON.
YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT SHE IS JUST FANTASTIC.
YOU ALSO MAY REMEMBER SHE GAVE A MILLION DOLLARS OF HER OWN MONEY
TO VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY TO HELP DEVELOP THE MODERNA VACCINE.
SO IT WAS THRILLING YESTERDAY TO SEE HER ACCOUNT TWEET
OUT THIS PHOTO OF HER GETTING THE SHOT WITH THE CAPTION "DOLLY
GETS A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE."
A LIFE-SAVING MIRACLE.
AND SHE GOT THE VACCINE!
NOW, FOR EASE OF ON-CAMERA JABBIN', DOLLY WENT THE EXTRA
MILE AND WORE A STYLISH, EASY-NEEDLE-ACCESS, COLD
SHOULDER TOP.
OKAY, VERY COOL, VERY NICE, DOLLY.
BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND TRYING SOMETHING SIMILAR FOR YOUR
COLONOSCOPY.
AND LIKE I EXPECT TO DO WHEN I GET THE VACCINE, DOLLY BURST
INTO SONG.
>> I WANTED TO TELL EVERYBODY THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE
AND DO IT, TOO.
I EVEN CHANGED ONE OF MY SONGS TO FIT THE OCCASION.
IT GOES...
( TO THE TUNE OF "JOLENE" )
VACCINE, VACCINE ♪ I'M BEGGING OF YOU
PLEASE DON'T HESITATE ♪ VACCINE, VACCINE
VACCINE, VACCINE ♪ 'CAUSE ONCE YOU'RE DEAD, THEN
THAT'S A BIT TOO LATE ♪ >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A
VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.
AND ALSO DOLLY'S DARKEST TUNE SINCE:
♪ ISLANDS IN THE STREAM ERODING OVER TIME
♪ NOTHING EVER LASTS WE'RE JUST FOOD FOR
♪ WORMS ♪ NOTE WE'RE JUST BAGS OF MEAT ♪
IT KEEPS GOING FROM THERE.
EVEN MORE HOPEFUL-- IT SOUNDS BETTER WHEN KENNY ROGERS IS
SINGING WITH YOU!
EVEN MORE HOPEFUL, IT'S GETTING EASIER TO QUALIFY FOR A VACCINE.
NORTH CAROLINA JUST ANNOUNCED THAT ON MARCH 24, THE STATE WILL
OPEN ELIGIBILITY TO PEOPLE LIVING IN GROUP SETTINGS,
ADDITIONAL FRO 1%9E WORKERS,AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE
100 CIGARETTES.
OF COURSE, NORTH CAROLINA'S A TOBACCO STATE.
IN WISCONSIN, YOU HAVE TO CHUG 100 GALLONS OF MILK.
AND IN DETROIT, YOU HAVE TO EAT 100 CARS.
HEY, REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS AN INSURRECTION BACK IN JANUARY?
CAPITOL POLICE ARE WARNING IT COULD COME BACK, BECAUSE OF A
QANON THEORY CLAIMING THE EX-PRESIDENT WILL RETURN TO
POWER TOMORROW, MARCH 4.
NOW, I'M NO PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT YOU COULD SAY THEY'RE SUFFERING
FROM "MARCH MADNESS."
ALSO, THEY'RE CLINICALLY INSANE.
BUT THERE'S METHOD TO THIS COO-COO.
YOU SEE, Q FOLLOWERS WERE HEARTBROKEN ON INAUGURATION DAY,
WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE "STORM" CAME THAT KEEPS THEIR
GUY FROM ACTUALLY LEAVING OFFICE.
SO THEY MOVED THE DATE OF THE STORM, WHEN THE ARRESTS ALL OF
THE CELEBRITIES AND DEMOCRATS, TO MARCH 4, WHICH WAS THE DATE
O PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATIONS UP UNTIL 1933.
( AS QANON PERSON )
RABBIT HOLE.
THEY ENDED IT IN 1933.
BUT ADD UP 1-9-3-3, YOU GET 16.
ADD 1 PLUS 6, YOU GET 7.
WHAT IS 7?
3 PLUS 4, 3-4, MARCH 4th, WHEN WE SHALL MARCH FORTH!
( WHISPERS )
EXIST."
BUT THE ENHANCED SECURITY MAY NOT BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE SOME
QANON ADHERENTS ARE NOW "SKEPTICAL AS TO THE ORIGINS OR
VALIDITY OF THE THEORY."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THIS MARCH 4 THING JUST DOESN'T HAVE
THE SAME RING OF TRUTH AS "TOM HANKS EATS BABIES."
STILL, WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY TO CASH IN,
BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S HOTEL IN WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS
BEEN JACKING UP PRICES AROUND MARCH 4.
SOUNDS CYNICAL, BUT THEY ARE OFFERING PREMIUM SERVICES: IF
YOU'RE EXHAUSTED FROM TRAVEL, YOU CAN JUST CALL THE FRONT DESK
AND ASK THE CONCIERGE TO HANG MIKE PENCE.
ULTIMATELY, Q SUPPORTERS ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FACE FACTS
THAT THEIR GUY LOST IN THE HIGHEST VOTER TURNOUT IN U.S.
HISTORY.
REPUBLICANS HAVE ACCEPTED IT.
THEY LOOKED AT VOTER TURNOUT AND REALIZED IT IS TIME TO STOP
VOTER TURNOUT.
THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED WITH A TIDAL WAVE OF ANTI-VOTING
LEGISLATION.
SO FAR, G.O.P. LAWMAKERS HAVE WRITTEN 253 BILLS WITH
PROVISIONS THAT RESTRICT VOTING ACCESS IN 43 STATES, LIKE
GEORGIA, WHERE, FOLLOWING THE G.O.P. LOSING THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECT AND TWO SENATE SEATS IN A RUN HUFFAV, STATE REPUBLICANS
PASSED A BILL THAT WOULD LIMIT ABSENTEE AND EARLY VOTING.
YOU SEE, DEMOCRATS LIKE EARLY VOTING.
BUT GEORGIA REPUBLICANS WANT YOU TO PICK YOUR CANDIDATES AT THE
VERY LAST MINUTE.
THAT'S WHY THEY KEPT DAVID PERDUE RIGHT BY THE REGISTER.
CITICS SAY THIS BILL DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTS
VOTERS OF COLOR, BUT THE BILL'S SPONSOR CLAIMS IT "IS DESIGNED
TO BEGIN TO BRING BACK THE CONFIDENCE OF OUR VOTERS BACK
INTO OUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM."
OKAY, BUT THE REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR, THE REPUBLICAN
SECRETARY OF STATE, AND THE REPUBLICAN VOTING SYSTEMS
MANAGER ALL SAID IT WAS A FAIR ELECTION.
SO THERE'S PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE IN THE ELECTION.
YOU'RE JUST CONFIDENT YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE IT, SO YOU'RE
TILTING THE PLAYING FIELD.
THAT'S LIKE THE N.F.L.
RESTRICTING TOM BRADY TO RESTORE CONFIDENCE IN THE KANSAS CITY
CHIEFS.
AND GEORGIA IS NOT ALONE.
LEGISLATORS IN 18 STATES HAVE INTRODUCED 40 BILLS TO IMPOSE
NEW OR MORE-STRINGENT VOTER I.D.
REQUIREMENTS FOR IN-PERSON OR MAIL VOTING, AND 14 BILLS IN
NINE STATES WOULD MAKE THE "EXCUSE" REQUIREMENT MORE
STRINGENT FOR ABSENTEE VOTING OR ELIMINATE "NO EXCUSE" MAIL
VOTING.
YEAH, IF YOU WANT TO VOTE ABSENTEE, THE G.O.P. DEMANDS
A GOOD EXCUSE, LIKE A NOTE FROM YOUR DOCTOR.
OR YOUR CADDY.
AND THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE ABOUT TO OPEN THE VOTER
SUPPRESSION FLOODGATES.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THEY HEARD ORAL ARGUMENTS IN A CASE ABOUT
AN ARIZONA LAW THAT MAKES IT A CRIME FOR CAMPAIGN WORKERS,
COMMUNITY ACTIVISTS, AND MOST OTHER PEOPLE TO COLLECT BALLOTS
FOR DELIVERY TO POLLING PLACES, AND REQUIRES ELECTION OFFICIALS
TO DISCARD BALLOTS CAST AT THE WRONG PRECINCT.
WHEN JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT ASKED THE G.O.P.'S LAWYER WHY
REPUBLICANS CARED ABOUT THAT, HE WAS PRETTY CANDID: "BECAUSE IT
PUTS US AT A COMPETITIVE DISADVANTAGE, RELATIVE TO
DEMOCRATS," ADDING, "POLITICS IS A ZERO-SUM GAME."
YES, IT'S A ZERO-SUM GAME.
THE G.O.P. THINKS DEMOCRATS SHOULD HAVE ZERO VOTES AND THEY
HAVE SOME.
BUT ZERO SUM OR NOT, THE RIGHT TO VOTE IS NOT A GAME,
OTHERWISE, THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS WOULD HAVE ENDED:
"OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE-- YAHTZEE!"
SO THIS LAWYER ADMITTED REPUBLICANS DON'T REALLY BELIEVE
IN DEMOCRACY.
INSTEAD, THEY BELIEVE IN-- I FORGET, WHAT IS IT?
>> UNLIMITED POWER!
>> Stephen: MITCH McCONNELL'S LOOKING GOOD.
I THINK HE'S HAD SOME WORK DONE.
A LITTLE FRESHEN-UP.
BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE ARIZONA LAW THESE REPUBLICANS
ARE FIGHTING FOR IN THE SUPREME COURT WAS ALREADY IN EFFECT
DURING THE LAST ELECTION, AND THEY LOST ANYWAY.
SO IF REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO GAME THE SYSTEM AGAINST THE WILL
OF THE PEOPLE, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A LITTLE HARSHER.
JUST GO BACK TO POLL TESTS WITH UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS, LIKE
GUESS HOW MANY JELLYBEANS ARE IN A JAR OR "HOW DO YOU FOLD A
FITTED SHEET?" OR PUT THE POLLING PLACE IN THE
CENTER OF A MAZE AND HAVE IT GUARDED BY A MINOTAUR.
OR TED CRUZ.
EITHER WAY, THERE'S A LOT OF BULLCRAP.
SPEAKING OF GUYS WHO CAN REALLY SHOVEL IT, REMEMBER WHITE HOUSE
PHYSICIAN, CURRENT TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE, AND GUY WHO'S
PRETTY SURE HE HEARD THOSE TEENS MAKING FUN OF HIS HAT, DR. RONNY
JACKSON?
THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE INSPECTOR GENERAL JUST RELEASED
A REPORT ON DR. RONNY AND HIS BEHAVIOR DURING HIS TENURE AS
WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIAN, AND THE FINDINGS ARE NOT GOOD.
THE REPORT SAYS THAT JACKSON VIOLATED THE POLICY FOR DRINKING
ALCOHOL WHILE ON A PRESIDENTIAL TRIP, MADE "SEXUAL AND
DENIGRATING" COMMENTS ABOUT A FEMALE SUBORDINATE, AND TOOK
PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH SLEEPING MEDICATION THAT PROMPTED
CONCERNS ABOUT HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE PROPER CARE.
IT WAS THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE STAFFING OF THE WHITE HOUSE
PHYSICIAN SINCE BILL CLINTON APPOINTED AEROSMITH.
THE REPORT FOCUSES ON A PARTICULAR TRIP TO THE
PHILIPPINES, WHERE A WITNESS SAYS AS SOON AS THEY ARRIVED IN
MANILA, JACKSON BEGAN DRINKING IN THE HOTEL LOBBY, THEN GOT
INTO A CAR WITH A DRINK IN HIS HAND "TO GO OUT ON THE TOWN."
ANOTHER WITNESS SAID THEY SAW JACKSON "POUNDING" ON THE DOOR
OF A FEMALE SUBORDINATE'S ROOM.
AND WHEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR, JACKSON SAID, "I NEED YOU.
I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM."
WOW, THAT IS EITHER EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, OR HE
COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THE HOTEL SHOWER.
"IT'S GOT A KNOB, BUT ALSO A LEVER, AND A BUTTON.
ONE SIDE SAYS 'HOT' AND THE OTHER SAYS 'PRESSURE?'
I JUST WANT TO WASH MY BODY SO I CAN THROW UP ON IT AGAIN."
AND IT GETS GROSSER, BECAUSE A WITNESS SAID THAT JACKSON TOLD
THEM THAT A FEMALE MEDICAL SUBORDINATE, WHO WAS ALSO ON THE
TRIP, HAD "GREAT (BLEEP)," ADDING, "WHAT A NICE (BLEEP)."
IN HIS DEFENSE, THAT'S JUST THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH HE TOOK.
"FIRST, DO NO HARM.
SECOND, TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT.
THIRD: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" JACKSON DENIED ALL THE
ALLEGATIONS IN THE REPORT, SAYING THAT THEY ARE
"POLITICALLY MOTIVATED" AND THAT THE INSPECTOR GENERAL SIMPLY
"RESURRECTED" OLD ALLEGATIONS.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY THE AIRTIGHT DEFENSE YOU THINK IT IS.
( AS DEFENDANT )
COMMITTED THOSE CRIMES.
I'VE BEEN SUSPECTED OF THEM FOR YEARS!"
DR. RONNY WENT ON TO SAY, "I FLAT OUT REJECT ANY ALLEGATION
THAT I CONSUMED ALCOHOL WHILE ON DUTY."
OKAY, SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WERE SOBER WHEN YOU SAID THIS ABOUT
THE FORMER PRESIDENT: >> SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT
GENES.
I TOLD THE PRESIDENT IF HE HAD A HEALTHIER DIET OVER THE LAST 20
YEARS, HE MIGHT LIVE TO BE 200 YEARS OLD, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, HE HAS INCREDIBLE-- UH, HE HAS INCREDIBLE GENES, I JUST
ASSUME.
>> Stephen: OKAY, TO BE FAIR, HE DOESN'T SOUND DRUNK THERE.
IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SMOKIN' CRANK'.
"SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT GENES.
I HAVE GREAT GENES.
I COULD PUNCH THROUGH A WALL.
I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM SO WE CAN START A BAND!
OR A RESTAURANT!
I'M SAD.
LET'S DANCE!" OKAY.
NOW, LET'S GET TO TONIGHT'S BIG STORY.
ON A RECENT FLIGHT THAT WAS HEADED TO QATAR, A STRAY CAT
STOWED AWAY, AND THE CAT APPARENTLY WENT ON A RAMPAGE IN
THE COCKPIT AND WAS SO DISRUPTIVE THAT THE PILOT
ACTUALLY DECIDED TO TURN THE PLANE AROUND AND ABANDON THE
FLIGHT'S SCHEDULED ROUTE.
IT WAS THE MOST DISTURBING APPEARANCE OF A CAT ON THE PLANE
SINCE "CATS!" THE CAT IN QUESTION WAS SAID TO
BE A FERAL FELINE AND LIKELY BOARDED THE PLANE WHILE IT WAS
PARKED IN THE HANGAR OVERNIGHT FOR CLEANING.
WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME TO ELIMINATE THE 737'S
CONTROVERSIAL "KITTY DOOR."
AND IS THIS TRUE?
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A RECORDING OF THE FLIGHT
ANNOUNCEMENT.
( HORRIBLE CAT SOUNDS )
>> UUHHHH, ATTENTION PASSENGERS, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN
SPEAKING.
WE ARE CRUISING AT 34,000 FEET, AND THERE IS A CAT CLAWING AT
MY FACE.
YOU MAY EXPERIENCE SOME MILD TURBULENCE AS I STAUNCH THE
BLOOD FLOWING FROM MY CAROTID ARTERY.
IF THERE'S AN AIR MARSHALL ON BOARD, I HOPE YOU HAVE A CAN OF
TUNA.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS PAUL BETTANY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, CORPORATIONS ARE GETTING THEIR OWN CITIES.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪