He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
When you turn on your TV
Make sure it's tuned to channel 3
He's got a nerdy shirt and a pocket pouch
Although I've never seen him write anything down
He's got a Power Glove and a filthy mouth
Armed with his Zapper he will tear these games down
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
He plays the worst games of all time
Horrible abominations of mankind
They make him so mad he could spit
Or say cowabunga
[both] Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dog-shit
They rip you off and don't care one bit
But this nerd, he doesn't forget it
Why can't a turtle swim? Why can't I land the plane?
They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck
The characters' names are wrong, why's that password so long?
Why don't the weapons do anything?
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
The games suck so bad he makes up his own words
He's the angriest most pissed-off gaming nerd
He's the Angry Atari Amiga CD-i ColecoVision Intellivision Sega
Neo Geo TurboGrafx-16 Odyssey 3DO Commodore Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
[TV] Hey! You still don't own a Sega CD?
Um...
What are you waiting for, Nintendo to make one?
HURR-DURR!
You have seen the games, right?
Uhhh...
Wrong answer, man. Show him.
WHOOAAAAAAHHH!
[exhales]
Wow! It's like, you get to play the games on a CD!
Check out the graphics! Full-motion video,
opposed to video that isn't full-motion!
64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor!
Holy shit, this thing is total fucking garbage!
How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this?
Full-motion video my ass! I'd rather be full fucking screen!
So this is the Sega CD. It's a load of ass.
You just pop it in the side of the Genesis
like some deformed Siamese twin or something.
You ever see Basket Case? Oh, whatever.
So you put the fucking game in, and oh, guess what?
It runs off of its own power adaptor. Yeah, that's two:
one for the Genesis, and one for the Sega CD.
If it can't run off the same power,
why couldn't it just be its own independent system?
Instead it's like a fucking parasite or something.
Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of shit!
You can go dump your ass in the time it takes.
So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a beer and be patient.
So this is what a typical Sega CD game looks like.
This one's called Ground Zero Texas.
[Reese] ...consists of four particle beam disruptors with limited...
[Nerd] Great game, huh? It's not even like playing a game.
It's like watching a movie. A bad movie.
So every once in a while you get to shoot people behind haystacks.
All you do is just drag your crosshairs across the screen
and try to kill things.
[Reese] Let's see some firepower or I am personally gonna call headquarters
and find out what hole they dug you out of!
[Nerd] The hole in your ass.
Now we got Slam City.
[Pippen] You want some of this? You got it.
[Nerd] Okay, I really don't know what I'm doing.
Yo, crush him like a walnut!
And sprig him on some salad!
[both] And pour some dressing on the boy!
[Nerd] What are they saying?
Ooh! Ace must have on ankle weights!
[laughing] [Nerd] Okay.
Now we got Double Switch.
[Eddie] Hey. [Nerd] Hey.
[Eddie] Hi. [Nerd] Hi.
[Eddie] My name is Eddie. [Nerd] Hi Eddie.
[Eddie] I need your help. This is my building,
and since the neighborhood really sucks... [Nerd] Like this game sucks!
So you're just switching different rooms, and just... I don't know...
[vocalist screaming]
What the fuck am I watching?
[screaming] [Nerd] God, shut up!
This is Night Trap. This here is the cult classic of the Sega CD.
The premise is that you're watching all these security cameras in this house,
and you have to trap these weirdos in black.
Why the hell are they wobbling all around?
Could they possibly overact any more?
And the traps are ridiculous.
And everything that's occurring in this house happens in real-time,
so you're constantly switching around trying to find these guys.
Fuck! Just missed him. See, that's what happens.
The only way to get good at this game is to play it over and over and over.
That's the only way to know where these guys are gonna be.
Yeah, get the tennis racket.
Strangely, this is the most amusing part of the game.
So is this all you do? Just click around and try to catch these guys?
Yes.
All right, this is what I'm talking about.
I sometimes forget I'm playing a game;
I think I'm watching a shitty horror movie.
You got a scary guy in the shower, it's classic.
Oh, she's in trouble. Uh-oh.
You know what? I'm supposed to save her, but that spoils the fun.
[Simms] I don't believe what I just saw.
[Nerd] I know, this game sucks!
Now we got Corpse Killer.
Unfortunately, I can't even show you much about this game,
because it keeps freezing.
I actually had a lot to say about this one,
but right now, it's not fucking working.
Corpse Killer, consider yourself lucky.
Time Gal. Okay, this one is really, really weird.
All you have to do is hit the control pad
in the right direction at the right moment,
and if you're not fast enough, you die.
Her voice is just annoying.
[Reika] You can't catch me! You can't catch me!
This one, there's not much to say.
It's just shoot, shoot, shoot, reload, and shoot some more.
There's some minor things that annoy me.
Look in the background. This is the longest block in the world.
And there's a lot of National Rubber Stamp Companies.
How do they fit so many people in the car?
Then there's this big-ass van, but now this time,
there's only one guy in there. There's not even a driver.
Willy Beamish. Okay, in this game, you're a kid in detention.
First, it's just like watching a cartoon for five minutes,
then an arrow appears, and you're like,
oh my God, I get to do something?
So you just point and click at things.
[Willy] Man, I'm so bored I can't stand it!
[Nerd] I know I'm fucking bored.
The teacher talks to you; you come up with answers.
Should I say, "Oh, that was my frog, Horny."
The frog's name is "Horny"?
Road Avenger. All right, well, same concept as Time Gal.
An icon appears on the screen telling you what to do,
and you have to act immediately by pushing right, left, turbo, or brake.
If you're half a second late, you're dead.
Well, this one can't be bad, right?
Remember the Genesis game,
running around trying to get away from dinosaurs?
Well, this is nothing like that.
It's just one of those point-and-click games.
I don't know where I'm supposed to go, and I get so bored with it
I shut it off before I even get to a single dinosaur.
I want some dinosaurs, damn it!
Prize Fighter. Reminds me of Raging Bull.
I wait like eight minutes for the fight to start up, then what happens?
I just get clobbered.
I don't even know how to play this. I just tap buttons.
But all I do is just swat past the guy. How do I hit him?
Do I really care anyway? Nope.
Now we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces!
Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest.
It reminds me of R-Type or Life Force, and that's pretty cool,
so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.
The Terminator.
This one's okay, too. I mean, there were some flaws.
For example, the enemies are too strong, which is fine,
but it's annoying when every single thing you try to blow up
takes so much gunfire.
Even when you're in the present time,
there's no bad guys that die with one shot.
And I understand when you're shooting the terminators,
they're made of metal, but these are human beings.
Another thing really annoying is how difficult it can be
to shoot things sometimes.
I can't stand still when I'm on the stairs.
You can't aim your gun without moving all around.
One thing I have to say, the music's awesome.
Overall, this game's okay.
There's also a lot of games which are just hard to comment on,
like Sherlock Holmes.
It's like one of those early CD-ROM games on the PCs.
There's really no gameplay whatsoever.
You're just clicking around on things and collecting clues.
Kinda reminds me of Carmen Sandiego, but not as memorable.
There's also a Dracula game, which is the same sort of thing.
You just click on things and watch little movies here and there.
Speaking of Dracula, there's another one, Brahm Stoker's Dracula,
but this one is actually like a game.
You're just going around beating the shit out of animals.
Yeah, punch 'em! Damn bats!
UHN! Yeah! Fucking bitches!
Kick 'em in the face! Uhn! Fucking rats!
So this game's pretty funny, but the control just sucks.
Especially this part where you're trying to jump these rocks.
Damn.
Oh, that was ridiculous! I landed right on that!
Then there's all these movie scenes
taken right from the movie Brahm Stoker's Dracula.
If I wanted to watch the movie, I'd watch the damn movie!
Now we got... Wonder Dog.
First you get this long cartoon.
Some overly-happy kid is walking with his dog, everything's fine.
Then some guy shows up, takes the kid away,
and then the dog goes inside this giant metal dick with balls,
and he conveniently finds a costume and becomes Wonder Dog.
Now we actually get into the game,
and you're just shooting stars at rabbits.
Yeah, kill those fucking rabbits!
Can't get up there! HUNH!
Get up there! Damn it!
Maybe some day I'll review some of these games in greater detail,
but for most of them, there's really not much to say.
Like this one for example: Sewer Shark.
For this game, all I have is a two-word review: Shit Shark.
The only real memorable game off the top of my head is Sonic CD,
which is debatably the best Sonic game ever made.
And it's definitely one of the most confusing ones, too.
God. Oh, shit!
I'm gonna be sick.
All right.
The Sega CD, it was one of the first CD-based game systems of the time,
so it was kinda fascinating when it came out.
The problem was, it was too expensive,
the technology was just too young, it just wasn't there yet,
and I don't know one person who had a Sega CD.
And why's that?
Because it fucking suck--
[lower-pitched] --cause it fuck--
[lower-pitched] --cause it fucking sucks!
Think about it. In order to own a Sega CD,
first you have to own the Genesis.
And if that's not enough, Sega made another Genesis attachment: the 32X.
Yes, this ugly mushroom-shaped piece of shit was the last effort from Sega
to keep the Genesis alive to compete with its nemesis.
Tune in next time, and I'll tell you all about it.