-Our next guest can be seen at the New York Comedy Cellar
Tuesday, October 19th.
Making his "Tonight Show" debut,
please welcome the very funny Tom Thakkar.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. Hey. Oh, my gosh.
Holy moly! Look at you! Oh, my gosh!
This is incredible.
It's so good to be here.
I've been aging rapidly!
I've been catching myself just saying old-people stuff lately.
I was walking down the street the other day,
and I just heard myself go,
"That post office used to be a bank!"
Who cares?
That's not a good story. That sucks.
That's an old-person story, you know?
They're always telling you stuff like that.
They're like, "That pizza place was a spaghetti place before!"
"All right. Did you like the spaghetti place?"
"No! It just was.
You have to know what was."
[ Laughter ]
I'm not -- I'm not that old yet.
I'll know I'm really old when I have a loud clock in my house.
Old people always have the loudest clocks.
You stay with an old person,
their clock is like, "Bing, bong! Ding, dong!
Ding, dong! Bing, bong!
Bong!
Bong!"
And then they're always like,
"I had trouble sleeping last night."
You're like, "Yeah, I wonder why."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Thank you.
I'm from Indiana. I live in New York.
But my family refuses to visit me here and my friends,
because they're all scared of New York.
They think it's too dangerous, which is crazy 'cause Indiana
is the most dangerous place I've ever been.
When I was a kid, our main form of entertainment
was a trampoline
that didn't have the guard-net thing around it.
Those are like little kid death traps.
Every kid hobbles away like, "Ugh.
We lost Jeremy back there.
And I'm different now."
My brother broke his leg on our trampoline immediately
'cause did he that thing where he was like,
"I'm gonna go as high as I can on the new trampoline,"
and then he did, and then he started
to float away from the trampoline.
You know that moment where you see somebody
suspended in the air and you're like, "Oh, no.
We're about to hear a new noise.
[ Laughter ]
That's going to be crazy."
But, uh, my brother broke his leg, and then he made me --
We didn't want to tell my mom what happened
'cause we didn't want to lose the trampoline.
So he made me drag him into the house,
and then when my mom got home,
we told her that my uncle broke my brother's leg.
[ Laughter ]
Because we were more willing to lose him than a bouncy tarp,
so...
I got banned on Twitter last year. This is true.
Because I got super into this show called "My Cat From Hell."
I don't know if guys have seen it.
It's the best show. It's on Animal Planet.
It's like "The Dog Whisperer," but for cats.
And the host's name is Jackson Galaxy,
and he calls himself "The Cat Daddy."
It's incredible.
And I was watching it. I was like, "Man.
I bet this show has the best Twitter account of all time
with all these crazy cat people and Jackson Galaxy."
I looked it up. They didn't have a Twitter account!
But now they do. Because I made one.
I made a Twitter account for "My Cat From Hell."
And I got like 15,000 followers because I played it straight.
All I would tweet was like, "Check out the show.
Sundays at 9:00." You know?
"What was your favorite meowment from tonight's episode?"
I did that for an entire year like a psycho.
And it was so believable that when people interviewed
the host of the show, they'd tag my Twitter account.
They'd be like, "Follow him here," and everybody did.
And then a year in, I got drunk,
and I was like, "Let's burn this thing down."
You know?
[ Laughter ]
So, my first move was I tweeted out,
"Hey, send in a picture of your cat,
and I'll give it a rating from 1 to 10."
And I got thousands of cat pictures,
and I gave them all 3's.
And people were so mad.
I thought they might think it was funny. They did not.
They were like, "How dare you disrespect
my cat and my family."
And I was just like, "Hey, I'm sorry your cat's a butter tail.
I don't know what you want from me.
I'm not attracted to your little kitty cat, you pervert."
But I'd spell "pervert" P-U-R-R-V-E-R-T.
Stay on brand.
But what got me in trouble was people were asking me
for cat advice all the time,
and I didn't know anything about cats.
But I started giving advice.
A lot of it was, like, people going,
"Hey, my cat scratches our faces every day."
And I was like, "You've got to change
that cat's name, brother."
The one that really got me in trouble, though,
is this guy goes, "Hey, my cat keeps going to the bathroom
next to the litter box, but he won't go inside.
Next to it. I don't know what to do."
And I was like, "Look, cats are very observant,
perceptive creatures.
Sometimes they need to see you go in the litter box
before they know what to do."
And right before I got banned, I just saw one tweet
from that dude that was like, "This is not working."
All right. I'm Tom Thakkar. Thank you guys very much!
♪♪
-Hey! That's how you do it, brother.
Oh, my gosh. Fantastic! Tom Thakkar!
[ Cheers and applause ]
He will be at the New York Comedy Cellar
Tuesday, October 19th.