- Hello.
- [Audience] Hello!
- Thank you.
I'm gonna tell you a little bit about me.
First, I got married at 22 and divorced at 29.
Have I got any divorcees in? Give us a cheer.
(audience cheering)
Some really happy people. Well done.
Have I got anybody who's married?
Give us a cheer if you're married.
(audience cheering)
Didn't sound as happy as that fellow up there.
(audience laughing)
Nevermind, your time will come.
If you're married at the front,
give us a wave if you're married.
Let's have a look.
Nice lady, how long you've been married?
- Three and a half years. - Three and a half years.
Oh, you're nearly done.
(audience laughing)
When I got divorced I moved back in with me mom and dad.
That's not good, is it? No.
When we first split up
somebody said it was like a bereavement.
It's one of those stock phrases
that roll out out of people who've never thought
of peeing on the husband's toothbrush.
(audience laughing)
And not telling him.
Time's a healer.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
My own personal favourite, I never liked him.
(audience laughing)
That was me mom.
(audience laughing)
Still get the how are you head tilt.
"How are you?"
(audience laughing)
Just want to get it straight,
it isn't like a bereavement at all.
Cause if he died, I'd had me mortgage paid.
(audience laughing)
And I could've danced on his grave.
(audience laughing)
When we first split up I went to see a counsellor
and she suggested that I read Paul McKenna's
How to Mend a Broken Heart.
Got to page 30 and I slept with a 23 year old.
It's not what it said.
It's what it shoulda said
because it really bloody worked.
(audience laughing)
When I bought the book, I bought it off Amazon
and underneath it said customers who bought this
also bought Suicide Isn't Always The Answer.
(audience laughing)
Cause it sometimes is.
But when I became newly single,
a friend of mine bought me a tea pot for one.
Cow.
(audience laughing)
She's not me friend anymore.
She's not even alive anymore.
She's alive, she's just heavily disfigured.
Some kind of tea pot related incident.
(audience laughing)
But I had a bit of a new year's resolution this year.
Decided that I was gonna start watching me weight.
I realise watching me weight doesn't imply
that it's gonna get any less, does it?
Just like I'm documenting how fat I'm gonna get.
But I think it's because my downfall is cakes and puddings.
I don't really drink an awful lot.
And I was gonna say, I don't do drugs
but I did have a space cake once.
I just heard the word cake.
(audience laughing)
I just found it really dry.
I mean, I might not know drugs, but I do know cake.
I just think a bit of buttercream wouldn't've gone astray.
It's almost like they hadn't thought
about the cake part at all.
(audience laughing)
But I think I'm like everybody else
and that there are bits of me I really don't like
and I really don't like my legs.
And recently I decided, "Sod it, nobody cares but you.
"Just wear a skirt."
So I wore a skirt and on the first day of wearing a skirt
I got whistled at by a builder.
How good is that?
Wasn't so much a wolf whistle as he went
(Sarah gently whistles)
(audience laughing)
It's not the same thing at all, is it?
It's like you would a little dog.
But I been going through things that have been in storage
and deciding what to keep and what to bin.
And I don't really know
what I'm supposed to do with me wedding dress.
Let's get some suggestions from the audience.
What about somebody from the top layer?
Tell me, what do you think
I should do with my wedding dress?
Give us a suggestion.
- [Man] Burn it.
- Oh, did you hear that?
Straight away, barely even finished my sentence.
"Burn it."
Are you all right?
Somebody give them a cuddle up there.
(audience laughing)
Burn it, that's a bitter man, isn't it?
Burn it, put the ex-husband in it and just burn it.
Pretty sure that's murder.
What about suggestions from the lovely ladies
in the front here, what about any of you lovely ladies?
Give me a suggestion, what do you think?
Well, you're conferring, that's good. Tell me.
- Charity shop. - Charity shop.
I thought about that.
Cause there's one not far from where mom and dad live.
It's always just full of pensioners
and I love the idea of an old lady
buying it for like four pound and just twirling.
(audience laughing)
Lovely.
Some people often suggest that I sell it.
As an audience, do you think there's much of a market
for a second hand wedding dress, yes or no?
- [Audience] Yeah.
- Yeah? Some fellows.
Did you hear the fellows?
Yes. Get a cheap one.
(audience laughing)
I'll even get the flowers from a graveyard.
(audience laughing)
You're quite a nice normal audience.
I sometimes get quite weird suggestions.
The weirdest one I've ever had,
this guy said to me, totally straight face.
"I think you should wear it and follow him round in it."
(audience laughing)
And I looked at his girlfriend
who was sitting beside him
as if she was gonna go, "What's he like?"
And she just went.
(audience laughing)
That's not my favourite one.
My favourite one I've ever had,
somebody said I should wear it on first dates.
(audience laughing)
How good is that?
No, I'm not looking for anything serious.
(audience laughing)
La la la.
(audience laughing)
Oh, you've been really nice,
but I'll leave you with one thing.
I've noticed recently how you can tell as a woman
whether or not you're overweight.
It's during the throes of passion,
when your partner picks you up
whether or not he says, "One, two, three." first.
(audience laughing)
You've been lovely, thank you very much. Goodnight.
(audience applause)
Hello. It's Sarah Millican here.
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