[ NBC tones play ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-From Studio 60 in Rockefeller Center,
in the heart of New York City, it's...
-♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
-Tonight join Jimmy and his guests...
-♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
...comedian Preacher Lawson
and featuring The Legendary Roots Crew.
♪♪
-♪ Yeah! ♪ -And now, here he is,
Jimmy...
Fallon!
[ Cheering and applause ] -♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪ -Thank you very much.
-♪ Hey ♪ -Thank you very much.
-♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
-Thank you very much.
♪♪
Oh, my goodness!
I love you. Welcome.
Welcome, everybody!
Ah, enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself.
Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
You're here. You're watching. Thank you.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, let's get to some news here.
The FDA just announced that they're banning
Juul e-cigarettes and now vapers are rushing to hoard them.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah. Well, they're rushing,
but stopping every few feet to catch their breath.
It's like --
[ Laughter and applause ]
But, you know, I don't like to judge,
but if the terms vaper and hoarder apply to you,
maybe it's time to do some reevaluating.
I'm just saying.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, vapers are going nuts,
trying to find Juuls for your goth cousin.
This is basically March 2020 all over again.
It's like --
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news -- it's a big movie weekend.
"Elvis" is out this weekend.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Pretty big.
Another movie, called "The Black Phone,"
just hit theaters and it is a horror-thriller
about a psychopath known as The Grabber.
-Mm!
[ Laughter ]
Actually, The Grabber sounds like a product
your grandma would buy on QVC. You know,
[ Laughter and applause ] "I think I need that."
That's right, The Grabber is the terrifying tale
of your friend who eats French fries off your plate.
It's like --
[ Laughter ] "I don't like --"
Well, according to a new study,
nasal swabs are still the most effective way to test for COVID.
Yep, while the worst way is to breathe on your friend's face
and go, "Does this smell like COVID to you?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some business news -- the company that makes Oreos
is buying Clif Bar for almost $3 billion.
[ Oohs ] -Wow.
-They offered to buy Nature Valley bars,
but the deal completely fell apart.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Cheering ] -Come on!
Come on!
Come on. Crumble.
-[ Laughs ]
Hey, I saw that, in Ohio,
a semi truck hauling cheese caught on fire.
[ Oohs ] Look at that.
Luckily, five minutes later, a wine truck tipped over
and it turned into a delightful little afternoon.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Speaking of wine, I read that, due to inflation,
wine pours at restaurants are actually getting smaller.
[ Ohhs and booing ]
You can tell there's less wine.
Now, when you turn on "Real Housewives,"
they're discussing whether Ukraine should join NATO
[ Laughter ] and you go, "Hey, that's -- Come on."
Guys, I heard the FDA actually approved the new hair loss drug
that regrows hair.
Did you hear about this, Tariq?
-Yeah, yeah, I took it and it totally worked.
-Um --
[ Laughter and applause ]
It did?
-Yes. Look, I grew this long, luscious
[ Singsong ] rat tail.
[ Laughter and applause ] Don't you just love it?
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Crumbling ] [ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-♪ Hey, Moe, hey, Moe ♪
-♪ Well, I nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk ♪
-♪ Nyuk nyuk nyuk ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Let's
never speak of this again.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Deal.
[ Laughter ]
-Were they dancing? -What's that?
-What were they doing?
Three writers were dancing by cue cards.
-There were dancing to "The Curly Shuffle,"
by Jump 'N the Saddle.
[ Laughter ] [ The Roots play ]
-♪ When me and my friends, we go out on the town ♪
♪ We can't sit still, we can't sit down ♪
♪ We don't like to fight and we don't like to scuffle ♪
♪ We dance all night doing the Curly Shuffle ♪
♪ Hey, Moe, hey Moe, hey, Moe, hey Moe ♪
♪ Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk ♪
-♪ Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk ♪
-[ High-pitched scat singing ]
-Okay. [ Cheering ]
I mean, how do I know every single word?
-How do they know that, comedy writer?
[ Laughter ] -That was a great jam
right there, man, yeah.
-I'm glad you explained it.
-That's what was happening.
So, Tariq showed his rat tail. -Right.
-Everyone had such a freak-out that the writers,
they started drinking and dancing
to "The Curly Shuffle." -Right, by the cue cards.
-By the cue card. -It was so crazy.
Tariq's rat tail was so crazy that they went --
I turned into stone and died... -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -...you burned your hands severely with coffee,
and they started dancing, having a party, drinking.
They loved it. They're dancing --
[ Laughter ] -They had a great time.
It sparked something.
We might take that part out.
-Alright. Well, no, no, no, no! Come on!
[ Ohhs and nos ] -No, not the whole thing,
just the guys dancing. -Don't be a jerk.
-No! -No!
[ Laughter ] -But you guys didn't even laugh.
-They loved it!
[ Cheering and applause ] -You guys hated it!
-No! -No!
You didn't like that!
-[ Laughs ]
-Stays in the picture.
It stays in the picture.
-"The kid stays in the picture. -"The kid stays in the picture."
-The kid stays in the picture."
Alright, let's get to some other jokes
that won't be as funny as that.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, this is going viral.
A woman on TikTok said that
she uses the washing machine to clean her vegetables.
[ Crowd groans ]
Her family only got worried
when she started folding her vegetables
and putting them in the dresser.
There you go.
Guys, you know, there's a lot going on in the news right now,
but instead of me just telling you all about it,
I thought it'd be nice to just give you the chance
to decide what we talk about.
That's right. It's time for "You Pick the Joke."
-♪ You pick the joke ♪
♪ You pick the joke ♪
-So here's how it works.
I'm going to show you two news stories,
and then you guys get to pick which one we talk about.
Okay? Here we go.
Let's take a look at story number one.
-President Biden is urging Congress to give Americans
a tax break at the pump.
-Okay. Here's story number two.
-Some residents of a Tampa apartment complex
had a very unusual experience just a short while ago.
Witnesses say a naked man pulled the fire alarm,
then sprayed residents with a fire extinguisher
as they exited the building.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ] -What?
-[ Laughing ]
-Wow.
-Alright, which story do you want to talk about, 1 or 2?
-2!
-Alright. Good choice.
Okay. That's right.
A naked guy in Tampa pulled the fire alarm,
then sprayed people with a fire extinguisher when they came out.
So I guess even though he retired,
Rob Gronkowski is still living in Tampa.
[ Laughter ]
Let's do another pair of stories.
Once again, you guys get to pick.
Here's story number one.
-Today, the Federal Reserve took aggressive action
to tackle the fastest inflation in four decades.
-Got it. Now, here's story number two.
-Milk, eggs, and this?
Tesia Britt tells "The Problem Solvers"
when she opened her bag of delivered groceries
from Walmart,
she couldn't believe a crack pipe was packed inside,
right next to the pineapple.
-Which story do you want to talk about,
number 1 or number 2?
-2! -Great choice.
That's right, a woman's Walmart delivery included a crack pipe.
Normally, if you want crack at Walmart,
you just raise your eyebrows at the cashier.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, let's do one last batch. It's your choice.
Here's story number one.
-There's a new poll out showing President Biden's
job approval rating has dropped for a fourth straight week.
-And here's story number two.
-An Indiana man finds something a little fishy
after catching a catfish on the Ohio River.
When Hoop cut open the fish, he found
a foam ball and an adult toy.
[ Laughter ]
-Story number 2? -Yeah!
-Great choice.
That's right, a man found a sex toy in a catfish.
It was the first fishing story
where nobody wanted to hear how big it was.
[ Laughter ]
-Catfish.
-[ Laughter ]
He got catfished, yeah.
[ Laughter ]