-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, you guys, I want to wish everyone here
a very happy St. Patrick's Day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, it's a great day to be Irish
and a bad day to be an Uber driver.
That's right. It's St. Patrick's Day.
That's why our guest tonight is renowned Irish Catholic
Billy Crystal, is here tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ] That's right.
[ Chuckles ] But this is exciting.
After a two-year hiatus, the St. Patrick's Day Parade
finally returned to New York City.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You can tell people were ready to let loose.
On my way in, I heard a guy on the street
ask where the bathrooms are, and another guy said,
"It's wherever you want it to be."
And I said, "Wow. We're back."
Yep, the parade here is the only event
where Times Square Elmo feels like the chaperone.
[ Laughter ]
It was fun seeing everyone decked out
in their St. Patty's Day clothes.
Some people wore shirts that said, "Kiss me. I'm Irish."
While the rest opted for the newer,
"Kiss me. Rapid's negative."
[ Laughter ]
And you know what I saw online today?
Did you guys hear about this? There's a company in Boston
that rents out an inflatable Irish pub
that can hold up to 80 people.
I got to get this thing. Look at this thing.
[ Laughter ] -Oh!
-How rad is that?
It's the only pub where the bouncer is actually bouncing.
[ Laughter ] And also, no darts.
-[ Pop, air hisses ] -Ooh, okay.
Not only -- Mot only is it St. Patrick's Day,
it's also March Madness,
and I saw that for the tournament,
Pizza Hut is bringing back its Big Dinner Box.
Look at this thing. Yeah. Wow.
It's perfect for the tournament because if you eat that alone,
your life expectancy goes from 64 to 32
to 16 to 8 to...
Meanwhile, Coors Light is selling a six-pack
of beer-flavored lollipops to fans during March Madness.
Look at this thing. Yeah. Oh, I love it.
I love it. It's never too early to introduce your kids
to the cold, refreshing taste of Coors Light.
The lollipops don't actually have any alcohol in them,
and people were like, "Yeah, we figured that
when you said Coors Light."
-Oy! -Switching gears...
I read that Netflix is trying to crack down on password sharing
by charging an extra fee to users who share their account.
In other words, everyone under 30
is about to find out that Netflix isn't free.
Yeah. "What?"
And if you don't pay the extra fee,
they're threatening to make this 14 times louder.
[ Netflix start-up tones play ]
"Okay! All right! I'll pay it! I'll pay it!"
It's frightening enough.
Well, listen to this.
A man visiting Florida accidentally spent the night
in a stranger's home because he thought it was his Airbnb.
[ Laughter ]
The guy apologized then drove away in the stranger's car.
He's like, "All right. See you guys later."
And finally, as I mentioned, today is St. Patrick's Day,
and everywhere you look there's Irish music and food.
But Irish culture isn't just about one day of the year,
so I thought I'd sing a tiny song about it.
I hope you enjoy it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ They say that everybody's Irish one day of the year ♪
♪ But I see Irish everywhere ♪
♪ So put down that green beer ♪
♪♪
♪ Minnesota's where they make your Lucky Charms for you ♪
♪ Bennigan's is from Atlanta ♪
♪ Germans make O'Doul's ♪
♪ Tom Carvel made Cookie O'Puss here in NYC ♪
♪ And Shamrock Shakes are from Chicago ♪
♪ Home of Mickey D's ♪
♪ So while you swing shillelaghs singing hi-dee-ti-dee-ti ♪
♪ Remember "Danny Boy" was written by an English guy ♪
♪ The Riddler's green, but that don't mean ♪
♪ He comes from the Isle ♪
♪ 'Cause fiddling's more the Penguin's thing ♪
♪ When Colin Farrell smiles ♪
♪ And if you're asked if someone's Irish ♪
♪ Or what their deal is ♪
♪ Tell them Julianne Moore isn't ♪
♪ But Shaquille O'Neal is ♪
♪ 'Cause Irish isn't wearing green or having orange hair ♪
♪ St. Patrick's Day and every day, it's Irish everywhere ♪
We have a great show!