No matter who did the breaking up, no matter how short or long the relationship lasted,
no matter what the reason, ending a relationship can sting.
But, before doing anything rash — like sliding into your ex's DMs — you should consider
what's going on behind the scenes.
According to experts, this is what regrets after a breakup might really mean.
While breaking up is hard for both the dumper and the dumpee, the partner who made the call
to end the relationship does feel less grief, according to research conducted by Craig Eric
Morris, an anthropologist at Binghamton University who studies grief.
Morris explained to Vice:
"The person who initiates the breakdown gets a head start."
"It's over.
This-this-this twisted, toxic thing between us… it's finally finished."
Still, both parties are prone to feeling sad and regretful.
In fact, the person who did the dumping can experience a unique form of regret.
Barbara Neitlich, licensed clinical social worker and author of Stop Dating Like a Teenager,
termed this phenomenon as "dumper's remorse" in an interview with Glamour.
After leaving a partner, you may start to feel bad for doing so, which can cause you
to experience regrets and even contemplate getting back with your ex.
However, Neitlich advises asking yourself: "What would it truly be like getting back
together again?"
Additionally, the expert suggested, make a list of qualities you like and dislike about
your ex to objectively determine if the good outweighs the bad.
You thought love goggles were bad?
They don't hold a candle to breakup goggles.
Alisha Powell, a clinical social worker who works with couples, explained to Insider:
"A relationship ending makes us become nostalgic and you tend to remember many of the good
things you shared with your former partner."
Why do we do it?
Kimberly Panganiban, licensed marriage and family therapist and certified Gottman therapist,
revealed in an article for Thrive Global:
"Remembering the positive parts of a relationship is our brain's way of validating the decisions
we have made in the past [...] Nostalgia is also nature's way of ensuring that we get
into another relationship.
If all you remembered were the bad parts of a relationship, you may not want to get back
into a relationship at all."
In some cases, idealizing your past relationship can cause you to want to get back with your
ex.
Panganiban recommends, quote, "taking some time to yourself" to avoid succumbing to nostalgia.
Marriage and family therapist Sophia Reed told Bustle that as the dumper, you may feel
regret not only for deciding to split, but for the hurt you cause through the breakup
itself.
If you love the person you broke up with, chances are you didn't want to cause any pain.
"Every day I wake up and I hope you're dead."
But them's the breaks, right?
Breakups suck whether we want them to or not.
As such, it's natural to feel sad and even remorseful for hurting your one-time partner.
As hard as ending a relationship may be, relationship experts say clear-cut breakups are vital.
When speaking with Bustle, relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein advised:
"Don't drop out and ignore the person you are trying to end things with [...] No good
comes from doing a slow ignore and fade out.
It's disrespectful to them and it's not a conscious, mindful way to be living your own
life."
When a relationship ends, it's difficult to switch gears and welcome single life.
"When you became and indoor cat, you've been getting your milk brought to you in a silver
bowl, and guess what, now you've been tossed back outside, and the alley has changed."
Danielle Forshee, a psychologist and social worker who focuses on relationship and marriage
counseling, told Cosmopolitan:
"After you break up with somebody, your brain isn't used to being alone.
When you're with somebody your brain releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine.
It makes us feel really good [...] All of a sudden that's gone."
Before long, you may find yourself thinking about your ex, regretting your breakup, and
wanting to get back together.
This is especially true when you navigate your social life without a plus-one, but you
may not actually be missing the person that is your ex.
Marni Feuerman, licensed clinical social worker and licensed marriage and family therapist,
detailed to Glamour:
"Having regrets afterwards is often just a case of feeling lonely and missing the companionship.
It's better not to get fooled by those feelings that may keep you in a relationship way too
long when it really is not going to work out in the end."
Amy Summerville, head of Miami University's Regret Lab, who studies "what if" thought
patterns and its after-effects, explained to Vice that such hypothetical thoughts are
known as "counter-factional thinking."
She explained:
"That's when you think things could have been better [and] the directions things could have
taken and the factors related to that."
This kind of counter-factional thinking commonly occurs after a breakup.
Although it may sound similar to ruminating thoughts, Keith Markman, an associate psychology
professor at Ohio University who, like Summerville, specializes in counter-factional thinking,
told the publication that ruminating thoughts are heated thoughts that, quote, "intrude
on people's minds."
Counter-factional thinking — and the regret that comes with it— is actually much healthier
than rumination.
He said:
"People tend to have faux regret after the relationship happens.
Their tone tends to be wistful, sentimental.
They have a distant feeling of longing and nostalgia.
It can be very functional."
Despite counter-factional thinking being "functional" and not harmful, it can still be frustrating
to spiral into "what if" thoughts after a breakup.
And, as it turns out, breakups form the perfect storm for creating these sorts of thoughts
and the feelings of regret that flood our brains after ending a romantic relationship.
How so?
Amy Summerville told Vice:
"Individuals tend to regret anything that will be a threat to [their] sense of belonging."
Yes, your post-breakup regret could actually be triggered by the perceived threat to this
basic human need.
This is the same feeling you would experience if you lost your job.
"Save your breath, alright?
This is final."
Additionally, Summerville explained that people are more likely to regret things over which
they have agency or control — and what are breakups if not that? — as well as ongoing
or reoccurring themes in your life, like a relationship.
Like a helicopter parent, your brain wants nothing but to protect you from anything it
deems harmful — even breakups.
This is why you may find yourself waffling after having made what you thought was a definitive
decision to end your relationship.
Jianny Adamo, a certified relationship coach and licensed mental health counselor, detailed
to Rewire:
"Anytime we anticipate any kind of pain, whether emotional or physical, the brain will try
to find a way to avoid it, even if it tricks us into staying or going back by using regret
— even if in the long run there will be more pain by staying."
Unlike an overbearing mother, though, the brain isn't actually all that good at knowing
what's good for you.
"Come on, just tell me what I did, that's all.
Just tell me what I did that's so terrible."
It's simply looking for an easy way out to avoid pain.
So, while your brain may find it comforting to fill your head with regrets and ignore
all the previous signs that you were headed toward a breakup, remember that you know best
— brain be damned.
Let's be real: Not all breakups happen after careful thought and planning.
Sometimes relationships implode after a huge fight in which both parties say some seriously
awful things — many of which they don't actually mean.
Because there wasn't a lot of thought put into the breakup, you may consider getting
back together.
That's not necessarily a bad idea.
After all, not thinking straight is just one of the many things that happens to your body
when you fight with your significant other.
Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today,
recommends thinking over the relationship and breakup.
She told Bustle:
"Was there a lot of drama?
This probably indicates you and your partner were just reacting to each other, and the
breakup wasn't really thought out.
It's worth going back, apologizing, and seeing if you can talk about what is wrong and work
through it."
If, instead of communicating about the issues in your relationship, you and your partner
broke up, there may have been more that could've been done, like couples therapy or marriage
counseling.
And every relationship could benefit from couples therapy.
Counseling provides an opportunity for both parties to effectively communicate their feelings.
According to Tessina:
"If you haven't calmly told the truth about how you're feeling, and it only comes out
when you fight, then you haven't created a chance to fix things and restore your loving
feelings.
Breakups bring up a slew of emotions, and with those emotions come confusion.
Chelsea Leigh Trescott, breakup coach and host of the podcast Thank You Heartbreak,
told Elite Daily:
"The most common mistake post-breakup is to confuse emotions with signs that you should
be back together.
Missing your ex and refreshing their Instagram feed every few hours — or minutes — isn't
a sign that you lost the love of your life.
It's a sign that you're experiencing the very real and natural tensions of heartbreak — emotions
like longing and fixation that skew our perspective and hold our attention at a backwards glance."
Checking in on your ex on social media is also a surefire way to regret their decision
to break up.
Brandi Lewis, owner and lead therapist at North Carolina-based Reach Counseling Solutions,
told Rewire:
"For some people, they may second guess their initial thoughts because they may see the
positive highlights online and neglect the other feelings that they may have had in the
relationship."
This is why the expert recommends blocking your ex across your social media platforms
when you first break up.
When a relationship ends, it can be all too easy to obsess over what went wrong.
You may try to pinpoint just where exactly things took a turn for the worse.
Of course, wondering what, if anything, you could've done to patch the relationship before
it fell apart is only going to propel you further into regret.
Brandi Lewis advises looking back on the relationship through a new lens.
Instead of trying to come up with hypothetical solutions, it would be more constructive to
look for the lesson.
As much as you may want to go back in time and alter the past, there is always something
to be learned that can be applied to the future.
Lewis explained to Rewire:
"For example, instead of saying, where did I go wrong, ask, what did I do to honor my
own feelings?
What is good about me that my partner may not have appreciated?
What did I learn from this relationship about myself and my partner?"
Author and marriage life coach Shellie R. Warren revealed to The List:
"Someone once said that for however long you were with someone, cut the time in half and
that's how long it takes to get over them."
That sounds like a solid technique, right?
Not so fast.
The expert confessed:
"Eh, I don't buy that.
All of us are individuals, which means all of us are unique.
It's not so much about applying a formula as it is about applying a certain set of habits."
"You need to get back on that board, is what you need to do."
"Yeah?"
When you feel deep regrets after a breakup, it could be that you're simply not giving
yourself enough time to recover.
Warren explained:
"The relationship didn't take a day to develop, so it's not something you're going to be able
to get over overnight.
Give yourself at least a couple of months before coming to the conclusion that you regret
your breakup."
When it comes down to it, you need to trust yourself.
After all, who knows you better than, well, you?
Tina B. Tessina told Bustle:
"Just the upset of being alone and not wanting to date again isn't enough to get back into
a relationship that wasn't working."
But, what if — after careful consideration — you realize that the regrets you're feeling
stem from a place of knowing you made the wrong decision in breaking up?
It does happen.
Shellie R. Warren revealed to The List:
"Sometimes it takes losing someone for you to realize what you had [...] Sometimes the
second or third chance really is the charm.
And that's okay."
"I want you back, Dominic."
Warren advises "reaching out" to your ex and seeing where things go.
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