Some people don't have,
like, a substance, like, at all.
They don't, they don't even, like, I don't know.
I wish, for instance, you know,
people who go to the gym all the time.
That's what they do, like,
I got a friend that goes to the gym twice a day.
Before work, after work.
I'm like, "You work for State Farm--
who the (bleep) you trying to be?"
(laughter)
You're doing two-a-days?
Look, man, just do ten more the first trip.
I wish I could, I wish I could, like, believe in, like,
going to the gym, 'cause I try to eat,
I eat very well so that I can drink,
'cause I drink like a (bleep) fish.
So I try to, I try to eat well so I can, try to stay...
But there's, like, there's nothing up under here
worth looking at.
And I try, like, every year.
You know, first quarter, like, I'm going to join the gym,
I'm going to be better.
And then about April, you're like, "You know what?
I'm going to be the same piece of shit I was last year."
I'm better for that, right?
But this February, I got, this February,
I got, uh, I got, you know, I'm going to get me a trainer,
so I got on Groupon, and, because,
'cause I want to be a 100% better person,
but only for, like, 60% off, you know?
But I get to the, I get to, you know,
I get to the gym, get my voucher,
and I was like, I get ten sessions,
and so, you know, I'm-a, I'm-a do it, all right?
And so I'm like, "Where's my dude?"
He's at the machines already.
And so I go to the machines,
I'm like, "Yo, what's up, man? I'm your new client"
The dude was like, "Are you, what are you, what are you,"
like, I was like, "Man, what the (bleep) is wrong with you?"
Is that going to happen to me? I cannot have that happen to me.
I already cannot smoke weed, I don't need this, too.
And dude was like, "What are you talking about?"
I was like, "Man, don't act like you don't know.
Just neck and shoulders shit you got going, man."
I tried to turn away,
but there's mirrors everywhere, okay?
I see him from every angle.
Then dude's like, "What kind of results do you want?"
And I was like, "Look, man, I...
Stop. Stop it."
I was like, "I don't need, um, I don't need... abs.
"Uh, I mean, I think they're cool.
"If you have 'em, you won, congratulations.
But, like, but I don't need abs."
Just 'cause, I don't want to be that...
I don't want to be that dude
that has to one day
remember having abs.
You know what I mean? 'Cause you can't keep them.
No matter how hard you try, they're just going to go away.
And I don't want to be the asshole
that has to scroll through his Instagram 300 weeks ago
and be like, "Remember that summer I had abs?
That was a great summer."
Even if you are like that anomaly
that keeps abs his whole...
You've seen that commercial where that dude's like,
"I'm 70-years-old; I'm in the best shape of my life."
He's got the cul-de-sac haircut.
You're like, "You look (bleep) gross, man."
Why do you have abs?
Just be a regular grandfather.
Put your shirt on when you go check the mail.
You look stupid.
Why you pulling that truck with your teeth?
You look dumb. You look dumb.
But the dude's like, "What kind of results do you want?"
I go, "Look, man, I just want to be...
apocalypse fit."
(whooping, applause)
Like, I just, I'm just, I just, if-if-if this shit hits the...
If the world goes to shit,
I just want to know that I am capable
of ripping the arms off a zombie torso.
But I don't want to be too strong.
I don't want to be, like, the leader of my group.
I just want to be, like, the Number Two.
I'm gonna go scouting and I'll bring back some sticks and shit.
I need-- Daryl is cool, I don't need to be Rick.
I don't need to be Rick, you know what I mean?
So the dude goes, my trainer goes, uh,
he goes, "All right, hop up there
and show me how many pull-ups you can do."
I go, "I ain't gotta get up there. I will tell you."
"Four."
He goes,
he goes, "Cool, man.
Give me three sets of four."
I'm like, "No, mother (bleep). Four.
"Divide them up however you want to,
four is what I got, okay."
And that's not even the real answer.
The real answer's three, but I didn't want to say three
because when you say "three" your face automatically smiles
and we're in a gym with a bunch of dudes and shit,
I didn't want to be, like, "Three."
So I was like, "Four,"
'cause a four is a hard-ass number.
Four is gangster.
Four, I was like Season 2 of The Wire-- four.
Three is cute as shit.
Try it-- you're going to try it
in the car on the way home anyway.
Try it right now. Try it. Try it.
Three.
Four.
Three.
And I was like, "No, I'm not going to do,
"I'm not going to do...
"I'm not going to do the pull-ups
'cause I don't feel like I'm gonna need them in real life."
I just don't, a (bleep) skill that I'm gonna need for real.
You know, like, I don't need algebra.
Like, they told me I need algebra.
I'm not using that-- you only using algebra
when you're teaching it, or you're taking it.
You don't use it for real.
I don't need algebra. I don't need (bleep) pull-ups.
There's never going to be a time
in life where I feel like this is going to come into play.
You know, like, I could be
dangling off the side of a cliff.
I don't know why I'm there, use your imagination.
I'm dangling off the side of a cliff,
my life is on the line,
if I fall, I'm dead, Tone Bell's dead.
My mama going to be upset.
She's going to cry and stuff, right?
I'm dangling, only way I can get up, right?
I'm not going to do, like, three or four.
I'm not going to do, like, three or four
and then pull myself to safety.
Let me tell you something.
One pull-up is all you need.
I'm not going to play peekaboo with that shit.
I'm not ready, I'm not ready yet, I'm not ready.